It’s everybody’s favorite senile geriatric Presidential candidate, John McCain, the conductor of America’s straighttalk doubletalk whatevertalk Express, which serves kidney pies for 5 cents and flies straight up to heaven after departing from Concord with free IED’s! While he’s certainly busy being an effective Senator, he also has plenty of time to talk with the young ragamuffins who hate freedom and the influx of limbs from dead American soldiers so much that they dislike the Iraq War! In between shining George Bush’s shoes and finding new and creative ways to losing the Republican nomination, he had enough time in his busy schedule to get Jon Stewart’s foot placed solidly up his ass:

Congratulations to the winner of the first ever Prose Before Hos Award for Valor in the Face of Courage, Greg StiflyStiferson. Let us recount the story of Greg’s story before we lubricate his body with praise and store-brand massage oil.

It was a fine Spring day working as an Americorp volunteer as Greg trudged through hours of thankless work in post-Katrina New Orleans. As a white European colonizer in this foreign land, Greg expected booty and treasure, including but not limited to access to local colored women and raiding the medicine cabinets of abandoned houses.

But alas, he was wrong, as his politically correct overlords demanded he respect local customs and transform the once majestic city into a chocolate utopia. Finally, he decided to speak up against his oppression in what truly became an act of dignity and courage.