But what if you masturbate with Jew blood?

Written by alec on March 28th, 2007 | Trackback URI |

Lately, I’ve been in a little bit of an existential funk. What’s right and what’s wrong seems irrelevant in the trappings and temptations of the modern world! Thankfully, I have the Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani to answer my questions about life, liberty, and the pursuit of a meaningful life. A few hours ago, I asked him — philosophically, painfully, thoughtfully, spiritually — is it permissible to masturbate with jew blood after the gold has been filtered out? But until I get my answer, I’ll be waiting with my vat of Jew blood in my boxers and giving you, the loyal reader, some necessary Q&A information straight from the Ayatollah himself.

The Ayatollah contemplating masturbation into a falafel covered in jew blood

First off, there’s the big one: unwed vaginal intercourse. And of course, as the Ayatollah is a big fat player hater, the answer is a strict NO:

Question: Is pre-marital relation permissible between a boy and a girl?
Answer: It is not permissible under any circumstances.

So sex is off the table — what about masturbation?

Question: If my wife wants me to masturbate in front of her, is it then allowed?
Answer: You masturbate using your own hand. If your wife helps you ejaculate, there would be no objection.

Uh… I have no wife, that’s why I’m masturbating, durrrrr. So what about a wife that doesn’t nag, talk, or cook fabulous dinners for you — aka a vag in a box:

Question: Some companies have produced an item similar to the woman’s vagina that some men would place over their penis at bedtime for carnal desire. Is this classified as masturbation that is forbidden?
Answer: It is harãm if he seeks to ejaculate intentionally or ejaculation is normal [in such a circumstance] for him. Rather, based on obligatory precaution, he must refrain from it, even if he is confident of not ejaculating.

Little known fact: This kid masturbated in a pocket pussy to a picture of the Ayatollah later in the day

Son of an infidel whore! How the fuck am I going to get-off in this Satanic world if I can’t masturbate. What about the realm of the prohibited: GAY SEX!!!!

Question: What is the view on a man embracing another man with lust, and go about kissing one another with sexual desire? What if they go even further and enter the domain of deviant sexual behaviour?
Answer: All of this is harãm even if there might be difference in the degree of prohibition.

Life is truly miserable. All I have left is spreading copyrighted software, bullfighting, black magic, and Israeli products. Oops, spoke to soon:

Question: I have been told that I am under Black Magic. I feel that my mind is blocked and I cannot think and concentrate deeply. Also, I cannot think constructively which is destroying my professional and personal life. Kindly suggest me duas / amaal which I can do to come out of this painful trauma.
Answer: We advise you to read the Holy Quran, particularly the four chapters that begin with “Qul” i.e. “Qul howallahu ahad”, “Qul yaa ayyohal kaferoon”, “Qul a’uzo berabbil falagh”, and “Qul yaa ayyohal kaferoon”. At the same time, you should visit a doctor.

Question: Is it permissible to use white magic which is employed for good and is the opposite of black magic which is used by evil persons?
Answer: Magic in all its shapes and forms is forbidden [even that which is used to undo magic] unless the matter rests upon a greater benefit such as saving the life of a respected person.

Question: Is the practice of magic permissible?
Answer: Magic, in whatever form or guise it comes, is haraam [including that which is used to invalidate magic plots], unless more important interest was served, such as the preservation of life.

Question: My wife fell into a deep coma. She was very healthy, and just carrying some water and then all of a sudden she collapsed while talking. She was rushed to the hospital immediately and it was found that her blood pressure was very low and due to this her brain did not receive oxygen for 2 hours. The doctors are unable to explain how she has fallen ill and I am also a doctor and also I can not explain how this has happened. Is she suffering from some sort of black magic?
Answer: You must take her to a specialist. Do not engage your mind thinking about black magic or things like that. All things are in Allah’s hand.

Question: I know there is a company which is helping Israel monthly. What is the fatwa about working in such a company and purchasing its products?
Answer: If it allocates part of its income for supporting Israel, it is not permissible.

Question: Is it permissible to buy or sell Israeli products?
Answer: It is not permissible.

Question: Are bullfights (tauromachy) and cockfights allowed?
Answer: They are discouraged and if they are done with a betting, they are not allowed. In other words, if bullfighting involves loss of property, it is not permissible.

Question: Can I use cracked CD software?
Answer: If someone else has cracked the software, you can use it but you are not allowed to copy or burn it into another compact disc.

Life, my friends, is unlivable under the Ayatollah. You can’t enjoy Harry Potter, homosexuality, or pirated software. But not all of life’s riddles can be solved with such trivial pursuits. I suggest you take some adderall and put on your hijad, and take a visit over to the Sistani’s site to pose your own questions.

18 Responses to “But what if you masturbate with Jew blood?”

hamsterloveday says:
March 28th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
how about bestiality (which they might refer to as sex with jews)?
alec says:
March 29th, 2007 at 1:06 am
this stuff seems so irreversible and unnecessary. the worst message is the one tainted with its own idiocy.
Temporary Marriage says:
May 16th, 2007 at 7:35 am
Dont talk shit about Islam without understanding it. There is something called Mutah in Islam which means temporary Marriage. Basically you can engage in a so called marriage with a girl (possibly your girl friend) and have sex legally. You do not need to support her financially and it can be done for sex. It can be one for any amount of time 1 hour, 2 hours, 1 week, 1 month 1 year your wish. Do not think that it is prostitution as many many many books have been written which logically prove that Mutah is not prostitution. There are a few conditions to Mutah which are quite easy to follow and are for your own good. At least Islam allows anal sex, oral sex, contraception etc unlike Christianity and other faiths. Mutah is Mustahab (recommended and rewarding) in some cases maybe like yours. You do not need any witnesses or written statement. The girl asks you a special question in Arabic and you reply with I accpet and your done. The sentnece is calld the Seegha.

BTW I am quite young and thinking about marriage for me is a big joke and yes I have controlled my lust which was EXTREMELY strong. You just need to know how to do and Islam tells you how to do so. I can give you some tips:
1. Stay hungry. Do not overeat and get up from your table while you still have a little bit of hunger left. Hunger weakens and destroys lust.
2. Fast. This makes your will power increase.
3. Stay on a constant guard. Try your BEST to look away from hot girls.
4. Leave your pubic hair unshaved, just trim them once in every 30-40 days.

Some other tips are there but these are good ones. Problem is that most people misunderstand Islam. Like the terrorists nowadays, they ‘think’ they are doing the wrong thing because an old Islamic expert told them that killing Shias or non muslims or Amreicans is a good thing. In reality these experrts are self procalimed. On the toher hand Ayatollahs like Sistani do not gain popularity with propoganda, people simply start reading their books and gradually their popularity increases.

Most of the west just judges Islam by what comes on the TV. They only look at whether a certain law ‘looks’ good to their closed senses. You need to understand the philosophy of the laws to actually appreciate them.

I hope you understand my point of view. If you want you can contact me at shahrokhan@gmail.com with any questions you might have. I highly recommend you to go into a mutah. The reason why Aaqa Sistani had not recommended a mutah is because these questions are critical and responsible so they answer to the point so that a person does not misunderstand.

Thank You
Kit says:
May 16th, 2007 at 9:56 am
Of course, Sunnis consider mutahs as haram, but it sounds like an interesting proposition. Is this how I can trick my girlfriend into doing anal?
Temporary Marriage says:
May 17th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
There are three opinions about Mutah in the Sunni sect.
1. They consider it totaly haram (not allowed). They say it was never allowed even in the Prophet (PBUH) time. This is a wrong opinion because the Quran has instructions about Mutah.
2. They say that the Prophet (PBUH) allowed it for a short time. The references they produce contradict each other and are not form reliable sources.
3. They consider it to be Halal (allowed) during the Prophets time, Abu Bakr, Umars time but later on Umar made it haram during his reign. This is a fact known by all.

The reason why we Shias consider it halal is that Umars opinion or judgement has no value at all in front of the Quran and Prophet. Both the Quran and the Prophet have allowed it so we allow Mutah.

Secondly Imam Ali(AS) who we consider as the rightful successor to the Prophet made it Halal again when he was finally ‘forced’ into leading the people. He said that there would be no adulterer if Umar had not made it haram except for the scoundrels. It is a known fact that Abu Bakr, Umar and Uthman made the Islamic community weak and corrupt. When the people realized this, they persuaded Imam Ali to lead them. Imam Ali used to save the former caliphs from giving wrong judegment and Umar himself says that I would have perished had Ali not been there.

So, yes this can be a way for you to get your GF into anal. Islam as said again and again is a practical religion. So our Imams (successors to the Prophet) have given us guidelines as to how to have sex. More on them in next post.
Temporary Marriage says:
May 17th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Firstly I would like to talk about womens’ sexual system. Women have been given 9, yes 9 times the lust of men. But at the same time they have been given 9 times the shyness, control etc. Now you might ask me WTH? OK I will explain. When a woman is covered up and unaroused, she has normal desire like men and she has 9 times the control but when she takes her clothes of for her husband, and her husband has foreplay with her, her 9 times lust comes on to her. Its like she ‘unleashes’ her lust.

Men and women have been a difficult task each while having sex. For men it is to delay sex and go slowly with foreplay and everything as women take time to get aroused. Women have been given the task of ‘unleashing’ their lust or rather getting over their shyness for a while. Both these tasks are difficult but lead to better sex. Mothers in England used to tell their daughters that sex was unpleasant and that they should lay still and think about England. lol

I dont remember all the tips but these are some. If you go to http://www.mutah.com you can go to the books on the side panel and one of them has the tips.

Sex without foreplay has been equated to cruelty. Yes all those men out there, slow it down.
Forget about your shyness women. Be active during sex.
Dont drink alcohol. It increases your lust fine but it reduces your performance. Thats another reason why alcohol is haram.

Yes thats all I remember. We are allowed to have any kind of sex provided we do not swallow any natural human release like semen, we do not use any foreign object in the genitals, your spouse accepts having it.
AGain ask me any questions that you might have.
Temporary Marriage says:
May 17th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
To Kit:

Do not trick or force your GF. First arouse her with foreplay and get her really ‘up’and then ask her if you can have anal. Maybe you can give her somethign in reward like fingereing or oralling her till she reaches orgasm.
alec says:
May 18th, 2007 at 11:19 am
Temporary Marriage: I’m not lying when I say this, you may be the most informative commentator to ever come to prosebeforehos. I like your ideas of non-trickery, but my ways seem to work well. Have you ever poured copious amounts of liquor down a girls throat and then take advantage of her anus whilest she passes out??
alec says:
May 18th, 2007 at 11:19 am
PS. Is anal sex with a woman allowed for Shiites?
Temporary Marriage says:
May 18th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Yes it is allowed provided your wife accepts. It is strongly Makruh (advised to stay away from). You can do it if your wife accepts but it is better not to do so. As said before husband and wife can derive pleasure from each others body provided they accept it and it does not harm you. Some Kama Sutra positions are dangerous and are not allowed. But otherwise you can experiment and do whatever you like.

I have a small request for you. Can you please remove this article from the net as makes an unnecessary negative image of Islam as the comments above show. We already have the western media defaming Islam and now we dont want more and more people commenting on Islam without undestanding its philosophy and depths and points of view.

eg A few days ago a 17 year old girl was stoned to death in Iraq for loving a boy from another faith. I looked at the comments and all of them condemned Islam and Sharia. The girl was a Yazidi. Yazidis are not muslims and their religion comes from before Prophet Muhammads (PBUH) message. Many muslims and christians consider them as devil worshippers. Some people did try to tell the others that the murderers were yazidis not muslims but because of the western medias impact, everyone thought that the murderers were Islamists.

You said that you want to get your GF drunk and then use her anus. You might have heard it before but I am telling you again: alchohol should be avoided as much as possible. Not only Islamically but also scientifically. My Islamic teacher at school, used to work in an alchohol addiction something somethign certre and he has seen the long term, short term damage from his own eyes. Is dont want to get into the details but I was shocked about it.

Why do you not just ask her for anal? Arouse her up a lot and then go for it. When you make her drunk, she wont perform as well and I wouldnt say that that would be fun.

Another point I want to raise is that why do you say that living under Sharia is impossible? I live under it happily and enjoy every moment. I live a normal life like others and everything. Also why do you say that Ayatollah Sistani is a big player hater? He is not against sex like some religions including christianity to some extent. All he and Islam are saying are that to avoid social problems, have sex responsibly and with the right people.

I would like to say again that I am open to questions on the email address given above. I can answer questions on Sharia, polygamy, etc etc

If you want I can write a shot article for you on polygamy in Islam and you can post it on this website with a mention of my name or on your won credit if you want. i dont mind, all I want is that Islams image be brought back to what it was meant to be.
Temporary Marriage says:
May 18th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
I wanted to add that masturbation has been made unlawful in Islam for reasons. Not just for the heck of it. Some doctors say it is ok while some say it is bad for you. I dont remember everything but it does have some serious consequences without you knowing. eg People who masturbate before marriage become impotent later on which becomes a big problem later on with unsatisfied wives.
alec says:
May 18th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Temporary Marriage: Amazing. I actually just emailed you but I’ll put up a few comments here before. First off, this post itself is a joke. That should be pretty obvious, especially by the fact that I want to masturbate with Jew blood.

By the way, my doctor told me I should masturbate 9 to 12 times a day due to my potent sperm; I’ve already made 8 girls pregnant.
anon_banker says:
May 18th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
temp marriage:
you forgot to note that a glass of wine a day is reportedly very good for the heart and circulatory system.
Sexy and Disgraceful says:
May 18th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Take the Donkey to the barn and fuck it.

From PBH: In a small northern Colombian town named San Antero, the ‘Festival del Burro’ (Donkey Festival) is held to celebrate the donkey. Some of the highlights include a donkey stampede and a costume contest, but most of all, the carnival celebr…
Temporary Marriage says:
May 18th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
As said before doctors have different opinions. I would advise you stay away from masturbation. Islam has given us so many scientific information which was only confirmed by science recently. Taking that into consideration I would say that soon research would show that masturbation is in fact bad for you. If you have excess sperm then you could get it treated or better, nocturnal emissions could keep you alright.

8 girls pregnant? I suppose they would be bastards? (sorry for the harsh language). This according to Islam is a MAJOR sin. Ones which come under a certain category which can be punishable by death. Reason? Well there are so many that I cant list them all out. The economy bogs down with bastards. They in turn think that adultery is alright. They do not get the love and care that comes from a family structure consisting of a mom and dad. This leads to socially and psychologically ‘abnormal’ people. They wont however notice themselves as being abnormal.

To anon banker:
Wine. Right its good for you? Yes to some extent as you mentioned it is good for you. But is ti worth the risk? My Islamic teacher used to work in an alcohol addiction centre. He knows about this stuff. He gave us a small lecture on all this stuff so let me pass it on to you. You drink lets say one glass of wine on day1. Your liver will accpet all the wine and your body will benefit from it. On day 2 you do the same and so does your body. Over a period of time, your liver starts rejecting the wine. So lets say on day 8 you only get half the ‘highness’ from wine that you used to get from one glass. So you increase the amount you drink to get the same highness. Now you are drinking 2 glasses of wine a day. Over a period of time, you get addicted to wine without noticing it and without any control over it. That is why wine is strictly forbidden for us. There are several more reasons to it. You forget the difference between your mother and wife and wouldnt hesitate in mating with her.

Any more questions?
Temporary Marriage says:
May 20th, 2007 at 10:03 am
I found a few good pieces of info I was researching online.

QUESTION:

I just had a very simple question, Assuming that their was a person who
was not able to get permenantly married, and he could not find any one
to get temporarely married to either, would it be allowed for him to
masturabate in order to satisfy his reproductive urges in cases of
extreme psychological and physiological stress due to sexual deprivation. I
know that some sunni scholard would say that if unable to get married a
person is allowed to masturbate in order to save himself from zina or
fornication and I just wanted to know what our point of view would be about
this.

ANSWER:

Islam has established legitimate ways of fulfilling desires. In addition,
there are other ways (e.g. recreational activities, extra meditational
exercises, seeking company of the pious ones) to divert one’s attention from
inordinate desires. Just as Allah has given us desires, He has also endowed us
with the abilities to resist, control and finally master the desires.

Remember, if a person does not control his/her desires, they will control
him/her.

If a person suffers from extreme psychological or physiological stress, then a
local doctor can be contacted for further advise and medication.

Masturbation is not a way of fullfilling desires, it is just a way of giving in
and capitulating to desires. It is haram and completely prohibited.

May Allah strengthen us so that we keep away from haram acts.

Your brother in Islam

Another One:

http://www.al-islam.org/m_morals/chap3.htm

This one is a whole article and is pretty good. It explains the Sexual Structure in Islam and why I think you are wrong in sexual practices (8 pregnant girls + 9-12 X masturbations a day).

If you do not understand any technical terms, feel free to ask me.
Faris Al Hijaz Army says:
August 4th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
PLEASE do not say bad things to our beloved Ayatullah. Your best deed is only match with his worse sin. Both Grand AyatulLah Ali Khomenei and Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani are two most wonderful persons on earth. Their guidence are according to Allah Rule and Muhammad Path. Follow them will lead you to Jannah.
AlvinBlah says:
August 4th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Ayatullah’s in Iran
Russians in Afghanistan

We didn’t start the fire!
It’s been burning since the worlds been turning!

But what if you masturbate with Jew blood?

Written by alec on March 28th, 2007 | Trackback URI |

18 Responses to “But what if you masturbate with Jew blood?”

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