3. The Ex-Con Ninja With A Home Shopping Network Knife
The sixth time he tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. Gary’s hang-glider nose-dived and dragged him across jagged rocks. He broke his shoulder and several ribs. Gary tried it again the following year (Attempt #7) a little closer to the water this time. He tore up his shins skidding across the beach and just ditched the glider right there.
To be fair, Gary Faulkner is making progress. The first time he tried to find Osama he bought a boat—even though he had never sailed before—and set out from San Diego harbor without a lifejacket, flares, or food. His plan was to just head West until he hit land and eventually Pakistan. A hurricane had other plans, however, and lashed Faulkner’s boat against the Baja peninsula within days.
Gary Faulkner is our Don Quixote. He’s a 50-year old ex-con with failing kidneys who is probably certifiably insane. Faulkner knows bin Laden has a similar kidney ailment, so he plans to hook himself into Osama’s dialysis machine upon discovery and then escort the villain to Pakistan security forces.
Armed with a sword he bought on the Home Shopping Network and an $8 pawnshop knife, he has tried to capture Osama Bin Laden eleven times. He’s been foiled by everything from the Pacific (Attempts #1 & 2) to earthquakes (Attempt #4) to the laws of gravity (Attempts #6 &7) to custom agents (Attempt #8) to the uber-manly not-asking-for-directions (Attempts #9, 10, and 11), yet Faulkner perseveres. He made global news last June when he was arrested for traversing the Pakistan hinterlands by foot (Attempt #11).
There will be no Attempt #12. But now Falkner hunts for the bounty money. As he tells it, he served up Osama Bin Laden on a “silver platter.”
“I had a major hand [to] play in this wonderful thing, getting him out of the mountains and down to the valleys… Someone had to get him out of there. That’s where I came in,” Falkner told ABC News. “I scared the squirrel out of his hole, he popped his head up and he got capped.”
The White House was unavailable for comment.
2. The Deranged Diver
He knows the corpse must be down there somewhere. The water-logged, bullet-riddled corpse of the world’s most wanted man surely lies anchored somewhere to the Indian Ocean seafloor.
It’s why diver Bill Warren will spend up to $1 million combing the depths for Osama Bin Laden. “There is still a $25 million reward that no one has collected, and the reward says dead or alive,” Warren reasoned. “Well, if—in fact—he is dead, then I could collect the $25 million reward. Why not?”
Maybe because the White House formally stated the reward money has been canceled. Or because the Indian Ocean spans 28,350,000 square miles. Or possibly because of the sharks.
But these are trifling details to Bill Warren. The diver avers he has found every ship-wreck he ever sought. A bagged-up body should be no different. “Well,” he told CNN, “you can get lucky…”
UPDATE: Bill Warren has not found Osama Bin Laden’s body.
1. The President of the United States