Oh gawd, gag me with a severe case of French ennui — Dave Eggers, now print media swami for hyper-hysteric and chronically out of touch socialites who need other people to tell them how to be super witty on the critical issues of our day at cocktail parties:

Dave Eggers to Reassure Readers Personally about Print

We need to talk man.

Every time we meet up you tell me if I watch the grainy video of Tower 5 on 9/11, I’ll see little men in black pajamas running up and down with plastic explosives right before the whole thing comes crashing down.

But I don’t see it, bro. Sorry. Never have. Know what I see? A burning fucking building that requires precision architecture to stay standing, which it can’t do when its integrity is shot all to fuck from a total structure fire that it was never designed to handle.

And look dude.

There’s a retarded picture going around of a little kid licking the nose of a pig with the caption, “You little bastard, you’ve killed us all.”

First off, fuck this picture.

I’m tired of cats, gerbils, hedgehogs, and hamsters with dumbass captions sabotaging my Reddit front page.

Second, it’s supposed to be funny because none of us really expect the human race to perish from swine flu, so this ugly ass tow headed kid licking the nose of a pig is meant to remind us that life is cute and adorable and pigs are wonderful animals despite the panic.