discover dostoevsky, manage finances, create award winning lists, realign stars, get angry at private property, this is really happening,
laugh until your head falls off
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I got my first Popular post on Digg today, check it out! And if you want, you can befriend me and PBHNetwork on Digg. 
What do 1500 live lady bugs, a therapy book centered on clinching your butt, and a land tank all have in common? You can buy all of them at Amazon! And so I present to you, the top 6 strangest products on Amazon:
Are you a lowlife drunk that wants to maintain the air of social conformity and success? Then the Boozeberry is for you: a flask shaped like a Blackberry that holds 2 ounces of booze (or if you’re like me, booze and bleach). You can chug from this thing all day long and people around you will merely think “Wow, what an enterprising young man, he can literally suck out the productive business juice from a Blackberry!”
I'll tell you when I've had enough!!!!
Background Hipster [in the Village Voice]
Witzelsucht, from the German witzeln, meaning to joke or wisecrack and sucht meaning addiction or yearning, is a set of rare neurological symptoms characterized by the patient’s uncontrollable tendency to pun, tell inappropriate jokes and pointless or irrelevant stories at inconvenient moments. The patient nevertheless finds these utterances intensely amusing. It is associated with small lesions of the orbitofrontal cortex.
It is distinguished from pathological laughing by virtue of congruent affective experience and expression, and an admixture of irritability and mirth. It is most commonly seen in patients with frontal lobe disease or injury, particularly right frontal lobe tumors or trauma.
Sorry for the lack of updates. The PBH staff, myself included, have been busy selling themselves to the world.
Look at what you’ve done to us Brooklyn! Look at what you’ve done!!!!
Updates and changes are coming (promise #50150). Been playing hop-scotch in Brooklyn for the past week. Will post with findings ASAP.
Love,
Alec
Things are broken. Our hearts. The new design. Those fucking side ads that give you a god damn virus PDF or 20 concurrent audio ads all at once. Our pay for play strategy (where I let you suck me off in Union Station for a blog post about your Robot claymation). It’s just not working out. Plus, we’re all going to be bunking together in Clinton Hill soon enough. So we’ll be too busy trying on jean short-shorts and trying to out-queen each other. But I promise I’ll come back wearing loafers.
Sorry for the lack of updates, I’ve been redesigning PBH and touring the Confederate States of America. I am now safely back on my perch in NYC to waste copious amounts of time blogging.
May be slow with the updates this week as I’m headed down South. Hopefully we will have the new design up by next week. Sniff you jerks later.
PBH is on Twitter now. You can also find PBH on MySpace, Alec and Kit on Facebook, and of course, you can find me on Reddit and Digg.
——————-
do you believe in gods?
do they wear blue and red?
do they intervene in your daily affairs?
do the cracks in your beliefs get filled
with processed corn
david duchavny
Damn you Onion:
Local resident Alan Bower’s particular brand of sardonic, no-holds-barred commentary about everything around him has firmly established the 31-year-old policy writer as an absolutely terrible person who is always ready to crack a joke, sources reported Monday….
Other acquaintances indicated that shooting blistering one-liners at any person he comes in contact with is just one of the ways in which Bower can always be counted on to ruin a good time. Longtime friend Stephen Rosenthal said that dogs, infants, films, and even inanimate objects are never safe from Bower’s hilarious assessments.
“Trust me, nothing’s sacred to Alan,” Rosenthal said. “I remember one time he came to my 6-year-old son’s T-ball game, and he gave it the same type of relentless send-up that he would give to a bad movie or a Vespa scooter. There’s just no holding him back.”
There was no way out
the only way out was to give in
Ergo, The Metric concert last night was good [Chris Farley voice]
Last night, I managed to get banned from Gawker for what I thought was a pretty simple comment on their nefariously titled post Young Jews Are Not A Fan of Obama. The post features a video in downtown Jerusalem after Barack Obama’s speech, where American Jews and Israelis share their reflection on Obama and his Middle East policy. These include “Fuck that nigger, white power!” and the kind of angry, racist sentiment that could only come from years of cultural brainwashing. I left what I thought was a relatively simple observation about the inherent hypocrisy in the displayed sentiments:
“The funny thing about these people is they have no problem invoking the Holocaust, though the people [Palestinians] a few miles across the security barrier have suffered a 60 year campaign of ethnic cleansing specifically because they aren’t Jewish.”
If anyone there had managed to watch the video that was in the middle of the post, some young Israeli/American Jew starts going off on how his grandmother was in Auschwitz, and therefore the Arabs can burn in hell (a theme repeated over the course of the video). Does no one see the obvious contradiction in some over-privileged brat referencing the Holocaust as a justification for the ethnic cleansing of the Palestinians? Or does this make me a raging anti-Semite?
Aw snaps, I’m moving back up to NYC [UWS, no Brooklyn yet, unfortunately]. If any of you actually read this blog (doubtful), we will be hosting several PBH meetups this summer, and by meetups, I mean you can find us in Central Park passed out at 2 PM after drinking 40’s.
In case there is any confusion, you can identify us by the group of mid-20’s white males that will be groping each other to this song:
Coldplay’s Viva La Vida has been viewed 46,214,101 times on YouTube.
I don’t know who in their right mind picked the Cavs to win the championships this year. Yes, they won 66 games in the regular season, but have you seen the players Lebron plays with? Exhibit A:
Like you were born into an Ice Age of reason, where you are forced to agonizingly watch humanity go through a formative stage characterized by debasing belief systems, incomprehensible violence, and unscrupulous avarice and corruption?
Proletariat: He can talk He can talk He can talk!
Marx: The surplus value is derived between the difference of actual value minus labor value.
Proletariat: ??
Marx: Dialectical materialism is neither dialectic or materialistic!
Proletariat: ????
Marx: Urm, uh… workers of the world unite?!
If anyone raises the idea again that we stole this sweet ass blog name from Busted T’s, I will literally hunt you down and fight you. We registered this domain 6 years ago, long before the Dane Cook of T-Shirt creation fucking made that dip shit t-shirt. Fuck you if you think I would stoop to stealing our name.
In case you’ve been living under a blog rock (HARDY HAR HAR), PBH has been expanding its efforts into all sorts of new and untold dimensions.
Currently, we are addressing the two major ills of our society: hipsters and guidos. This war must be waged and I will command it (via anonymous blogs with snarky captions). I hope you like it!
I’ll be in DC for 2 days, so no updates until I get back. Until then, check out the new PBH site, Die Hipster Die!
Being a gadfly in the panacea that is Barack H. Obama? Using the interwebs to counter the ongoing genocide conducted by the worldwide consortium of Zionists? Screaming at the wall as the tentacles of capitalism mutate the world into a soulless entity in the white mans image? Find new validation in the tenets of leftist thought and apply for corresponding PhD in Irrelevance?
What am I to do????
they’re going to eat me alive
you’re going to eat me alive!
(if i stumble)
its the end of a love affair in so many ways
i will miss you and your inhabitants
a couple in particular
maybe we’ll pick up again one day
Dear Mr. Obama:
It is me, Timmy, from the 6th grade. For our civics class, we are writing a letter to tell the new President who we like.
I would like Al Gore to be your Chief Executive Inventor. He is very skilled and has invented many things. First he invented the internet, which is very important for things. Second, he invented global warming. These are both important problems and he got a lot of money for them.
I endorse Al Gore because he is my hero. My mom says he is like a preacher, but with more expensive DVD’s.
It’s been a very unexpected 2 months of popularity. We’re on the cusp of hitting 1 million hits for the blog. This has come at a toll of all parties involved as we’ve been straining to keep up the blog while also switching hosts and creating a new design.
Add all of this with the election and you have your protagonist on severe blog burnout. I think I’m going to scale back for the next couple of days and refocus my energies on redesigning the blog and churning out quality over quantity.
Time to party:
Presidential Election: Obama will win the election decidedly due to higher than anticipated 18-30 year old and African-American turnout, both of which are not being captured by current polls. Nationally, Obama will come away with a 6-8 percent margin in the popular vote, and will pull off some electoral surprises on the way.
Obama will carry 2 of 5 of the following states: South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana, Georgia, or Arizona. Georgia is the greatest possibility while Arizona is the least likely to flip, and if Obama does lose Georgia, it will be by less than 2 percent, leaving some to question the wisdom of pulling out his ground game following Palin’s nomination. South Dakota and Montana both have been trending positively towards Obama and upticket support from popular Democratic Senators will also help in providing an upset in one of these two states.
Dear Readers:
We are in process of spiffying up the site and moving to a new host. If you couldn’t tell, we’ve been getting a lot of gentleman callers recently, and it basically crushed our old server when we were Dugg. So, we are on to greener pastures. All apologies for the lack of blogging, though I’m sure you haven’t missed us all that much.
Love always,
Alec
Man With Food In Beard Saying Something About Climate Change
A man with a piece of food stuck in his beard is currently addressing an auditorium full of world leaders and prominent scholars on what seems to be the subject of global warming, sources are reporting. 
Or so I’d like to think — welcome to Prose Before Hos fellow Diggers, Gawkers, Redditors, Crooks and Liarers, et al. Prose Before Hos has received a lot of attention lately — but we are more than one hit wonders! We offer up a diversity of material for your viewing pleasure and hope you stick around (go ahead and add our RSS feed, you know you possibly want to).
We’ve had a lot of traffic the past month, so if you are interested in writing for PBH, just write an email to alec and tell him what you think you’d like to write about. Otherwise, stick around, tell us about yourself, and continue to legitimize our insufferably cynical worldview.
Love Always,
You know how everyone shit the appropriate brick when Sarah Palin didn’t know what the Bush Doctrine was in her first interview with Charlie Gibson? Last night certainly proved she knew what the Bush Doctrine was — though not the foreign policy version.
No, I’m speaking of the Bush Doctrine of coming to a debate unprepared with a marginal intellectual capability of making adjustments or responding to facts during a discussion, yet somehow coming out without looking like a complete dolt. So in essence, in an environment of lowered expectations a la Bush and Gore’s debates in 2000, Palin won because she didn’t display the same acumen as her down syndrome child. Unfortunately, with Palin somewhat holding her own (though failing miserably on unforeseen questions, like the functions of the Vice President) against Biden, tie goes to the retard.
Dear All:
We are quickly approaching 500,000 hits on PBH (over 600,000 if you include Disgraceful and Sexy), while I have amassed over 10,000 karma at Reddit. Thanks to all and expect a nice summary post from the Admin!
Your dutiful blogger,
Alec
ill keep it true
you love what you fuck
and you fuck
what you love
i know, that you fuck
what you love
and you love
i know your dying
i know it’s true
i know theirs seven thousand things you rather be and rather do,
and i know……..that you fuck what you love
and you love what you fuck.
if anything was learned these past 6 months, it was that you are an awful person [too]
We’re moderate, we modernize
till our hell is a good life
(even your friends look worried)
banana fever
i have finally moved to brooklyn:
you say you just don’t know
if you can take this city
cos the rent’s high
and the war’s on
and it’s last call
Dear Readers:
I was planning dramatic reenactments of events long past! Reinvigorating this blog with a shot of vitamin Alec. Alas, this blog is thoroughly broken: I cannot retrieve my email, video’s will not work, and various elements of design are fucked.
I apologize. I will come again and I will try to get this fucking thing working. But it may involve some bumpy steps and profuse profanity.
Sincerely yours,
Alec
DEAR LOVERS, READERS, FANS, AUTOBOTS:
All apologies for the lack of updates. I am a student. A graduate student. That means at times I have too much time and at others, too little. I am sorry for leaving before the end of the movie. Your dear protagonist is much alive, despite efforts to the contrary.
Witness:
and you wake up and get to feel the same mistakes [][][][][][][] you were right, you were right, but you wanted me to die and so 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 when you get what you want 1111111111111111111 it will hurt worse then you realize 2222222222222222222222222222222 and now when its years from now and you are in a situation that arises you will say 33333333333333333333333333 why did i ever do this?
i win.
PARTAKE:
[picture to follow]
Fire eye’d boy giv’em all the slip,
what rhymes with capitulation? cohabitation? you are my own worst enemy. if i could stare at you person, i would, but im left to consume your words from afar and wonder whats buried underneath. i want to cut myself out from this and onto my own. to be young and naive and caught up in the trivial sure is grand [friend is a four letter word and so are you]. [][][][][][] I’m thinking that it’s a signnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn that it’s time to realign and correspondingly shift one’s shape to miss you to death. ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() i hate your historical narrative, and i must interject here, there are gaps and revisions that do not make the truth clear 0000000000000000 i liked your lies about some idealistic future 11111111111111111111111111
i tried the best to leave this on your conscious but Lenin never went on vacation (though apparently he went on walks in Switzerland). consider:
What happens in London does not stay in London (or the reincarnation of numerous and simultaneous existential crises goes boink):
Fuck. Well I’ve managed to spend a solid month in the captivity of my room, entrenched with my seemingly limitless studies and essay-writing. My latest piece involves an analysis of the profit-squeeze hypothesis (a early 1970’s Marxist framework on the end of the “Golden Age” of capitalism) and subsidiary alterations to the hypothesis that I feel are relevant. Talk about god damn specialization of labor. Any input on how to remedy my essence back into being centered and social again would be much appreciated. Yes, I have though about E. PS This is how we look… now:
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