Author Archive

The Top 10

In light of fast approaching 400 posts on ProseBeforeHos, I’ve decided to compile a ‘best of’. Maybe you’ve missed these or if you’ve seen them, they’re worth a second viewing:

Top 10 PBH Posts

1. The Domino Effect by Jesse. If this is an original piece, this is one of the funnier observations on modern melodramatic romance to be written.

2. A Commentary on Transitional Iraq by International Relations. A piece done by me (Alec), so I guess this stinks of self-selection. However, I wrote this in a painstaking fashion and is one of the more well-crafted of my ideas regarding our involvement in Iraq.

3. Life is and always will be unfair by Anonymous Banker. On the theme of modern romance, what spells success better than boinking a girl you met on MySpace after a few drinks?

4. DaDa Bot by Kit. The most creative endeavor PBH has seen so far.

5. Creeping from under your desk! by Depths of My Soul. Nothing’s worse then when you’re fratty roommates find out your deep, dark secrets, and then post it on the internet.

6. Campaign Contributions, Contracting, & the Reconstruction of Iraq by Government Employee. A careful critique of the spoils system revolving military spending in the government by evaluating intelligence firms since 2001.

7. I hope they buy it by Piercing Glares, Enticing Stares. A pitifully confused young man finds love in all the wrong places and does his best to deny it.

8. Distancing myself by Chairman Mao. A politically disenchanted hamster explores the roots of his beliefs.

9. Exposed: Little Pete by Beetle. What’s better than photoshopping a red headed friends face onto Little Pete?

10. Mao the Actor by Chairman Mao. A hilarious pst with Chairman Mao having his life threatened and then retracted (with smoochies).

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Radiohead at MSG (I want IRONY)

I put this on ateaseweb.com and craigslist, hopefully I’ll get some tickets (agh!):

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing to ask for tickets to the June 13th or June 14th Radiohead show at Madison Square Garden. I attempted but was unable to purchase tickets during the online release date and cannot afford to buy a pair of tickets as they are being advertised now on Craigslist or Ebay. I suppose there are a fair amount of pleas out there from people so I commiserate that everyone that wants tickets (and probably deserves tickets) has not received them. However, I’ll still share my experience: I currently work at a non-profit in Washington DC, and my girlfriend who I wish to take with me to the concert works as a public school teacher in the Bronx, so paying upwards of $300 plus for each ticket is not feasible. Further, it is also my birthday on the 13th (I will fax you my drivers license or even my birth certificate for verification), and I have never had the pleasure of seeing Radiohead in person. I was scheduled to see them in spring 2001 at Bull Run in Virginia where Radiohead was scheduled to perform for 2 days. However, after Kid Koala finished a set on the first day, an unusual thunderstorm set upon the park and consequently, Radiohead did not perform. Severe inclement weather continued the next day, so both shows ended up cancelled with no Radiohead performance, and they have not returned to the Washington DC area since.

Though I am saddened that a lot of people are selling and buying tickets at extraordinary prices, perhaps depriving a lot of deserving individuals in attendance, I do not blame anyone for their actions (even the ticket brokers) for being swayed by monetary incentives. My budget is limited, but I am willing to pay well over face value for a pair of tickets to either show so a couple of serious Radiohead fans can enjoy the irony of a Street Spirit sing a long, or whatever the night may bring. If you need to reach me, I am available at awb9h@virginia.edu. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Alec

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A Weekend (In The Devil Town)

Spent the weekend in New York City (This salsa is made in NEW YORK CITY?!?!). Friday night, reconnected some bases, watched my Wizards fall magnificently to the Lebron James’, and enjoyed a night of rudimentary hedonism. Gavin, you were fucking miserable at beer pong — a little less miserable then me — but that doesn’t excuse you, you’re still a Knicks fan. Lisa also has two hamsters: one with huge balls, and one that looks like Stimpy. The one that looks like Stimpy got stuck in the coach, and we had to cut open the bottom to get him out (does anyone even remember how this occurred? I think it began with the two male hamsters eatting each other out on my lap). I suggested that the darker, bigger balled hamster be named Patrice, after African nationalist Patrice Lumumba. I think this idea fell on deaf ears however. Also, Marika beat up a pinyata and promptly passed out after feeling soft furniture (one toke over the line).

Saturday was one of the best — a slow day in Central Park, a delicious meal of sushi and tea, and a magnificent movie in the Lower East Side — all in the context of a relaxed, stoned aura. We saw ‘The Devil and Daniel Johnston’, which was god-honestly one of the better movies I’ve ever seen. Some of the better scenes included Dan singing half-heartedly in the middle of a pharmaceutically-repressed depression about his inability to write songs, the members of Sonic Youth searching for Dan in the streets of NYC during a mental collapse, and a live performance of ‘Evil Town’. Plus we saw it in one of the cooler theaters I’ve seen in my life, and I’m glad I saw a section of New York City outside of the Upper West Side (I guess we both forget that I’m a visitor here). This was followed up by a big slice of Hawaiian pizza in a hut blaring techno music, some meaningful conversation, and the realization that sometimes outside of us, the world doesn’t matter. It’s nice to have this going so well when at times, it feels like the world around us is melting.

Anyhow, it looks like I’m moving onwards and upwards. I want to become the prodigal son at the Middle East Thought Factory. I also would like a new apartment and a new batch of friends. If you can supply either, email me immediately.

In conclusion, DC sleeps alone tonight and this place is a prison (these people are not my friends):

I’ll wear my badge:
a vinyl sticker with big block letters
adhered to my chest.
It tells your new friends
“I am a visitor here… I am not permanent.”

I am dividing at an alarming rate.

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Stab Me In The Neck

A Haiku About These Sorts of People (victims of Yuppie Death March):

Jagerbombs

Suburban Girls
In Short Skirts, Free Sex
For Strong Drinks

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sermons in my head

WEEKEND IN REVIEW:

The following things were or were NOT accomplished in the past 5 days.

I went to spoken word in the U Street area on 420. The U Street area is my new favorite place because it is not overly gentrified and it does NOT look like the suburbs transposed to the Urban Environment. My favorite poem went something like this “Pork and white woman, Farrah Khan passes and OJ goes for seconds”. Actually, it was NOT my favorite but the one I remembered almost verbatim. You also said fuck you very loudly during the parts you were supposed to say Fuck You. I think I and everyone around us was impressed. Jeff also is starting a new band entitled ‘Jeff and the Embarrassments’ (or long title as Sex and the Single Coeds Who Were Transported from Their Comfy College Environment to a Slightly More Ambiguous Urban Surrounding).

I fell asleep watching ‘Dreamz’ like a child on her shoulder. I was NOT awoken until approximately 15 minutes left in the movie and with a horrible backache. It was NOT an organic experience.

The weekend itself was awesome, for all the right/wrong reasons. Alcohol and yuppie fun units were consumed. However, there was no discount even though we were buying in bulk for a large group of white, middle-class humanoids. I wish Adams Morgan could be converted into a theme park where fun units could be consumed.

Here are the pictures to prove that this weekend WAS in fact like every other weekend known to man in this tiny little biosphere:

This is me and some fellar. I am unsure what is going on. I am pretty sure it is illegal or overly-happy for no good gosh darn reason.

This is the significant other caught in the act. Initially it was believed she was with another male humanoid but it turned out to be my hidden persona — SOCIETY BOY! — so all is now “ca va”. Ca va bien, even. Let it be known this is NOT a mating call.

There was lots of interesting conversation. Did you know that urban designers saw the Mall as being a community environment in the urban landscape? But in the end it became a suburban phenomenon? Also, remember you were worried we were like them, and then I pointed out you had a black eye and found yourself covered in puke a few days before? You, my friend, are full of silliness and self-flagellation.

Sunday night was the end of the fire. Jeffrey, Cmart, and I attended a Soullive / Toots & The Maytails show at the 930 club in DC. It was outrageous. I am still on the losing end of that night. I am a corporate zombie. I am stuck inside my head and no one will let me out. Needless to say, I am firmly and completely burnt.

FIN.

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