George Cascone, a used car salesman and antique car collector from Kansas City, woke up with the FBI at his door informing him that his ex-wife was at the center of a plot to murder him and collect a life insurance policy in his name. Later, a crew from KSHB of NBC arrived to interview Mr. Cascone. What would transpire was the greatest event in human history:

Some highlights:

“She is psychotic, crazy, diabolical and evil… I mean Tiger Woods ain’t got nothing on me. She’s smashed up several of my cars.”

She shouldn’t have involved an antique car, it wasn’t part of the affair.

And the ultimate kicker:

“The part that insulted me the most is the fact that she was going to pay the hit man so little money,” he said. “She should’ve taken someone from out of town like Chicago or New York. And she should’ve paid at least $10,000. Two grand is not enough to get that work done. In a sense, you get what you pay for.”

Yes, this guy is pissed because his wife didn’t bother to do adequate research into how to hire a hit-man or pay enough money to get the job done right. I’m thinking Mr. Cascone and Epic Beard Man need to start a show called ‘We Are Mother Fuckers’.

[Via brother site PBH3: How To Respond To Being A Target Of A Murder Plot and NBCActionNews: Target of alleged murder for hire plot talks about ex-wife]

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Allos

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PS: do you listen Linkin Park ?

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Oh man my mailbox is full! I go on vacation in the bathroom of the Subway for a few days and I’ve got over 800 messages. I guess that’s what I get for being the most popular spam hobo on the internet. Now to the good stuff (and I’m not talking about Steel Reserves! But they are good! God I’m drunk and lonely):

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Well hello to you too! I can’t go to each and every one of those things, I mean, I’ll try. But I can’t promise you. What we should do is have you fuck someone while I furiously masturbate in the background onto a pile of lottery tickets. Yah I’ll do it, cause I’m fucking horny.

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Every once and a while I like to TALK ABOUT all the LETTERS I receive in my head from curious readers like yourself. So let’s jump right in, or as my pa would say, “You better put on that dress if you know what’s good for you.”

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What? Palette? Are you from the CIA? They are always after my brain, you know. Is that what you mean by palette? Of course it is. You DO know. You know too much already!

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Your sites are stupid! You know what’s a pleasant surprise? Waking up nice and cozy one day, about to go fight those pan faces in Nam, and then you come back, and you’re sleeping on a turtle! How about that, AMERICA? Chris Dodd for President!

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Now a we’z a talking. Do you let orientals or red heads into your casino? Cuz I hate em! Mostly because we killed em in Vietnam! God those were the good ol days.

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Well goog morning to you too, NAZI BREATH. Are you saying I’m fat? And not phat but fat. Which is what you say I am because I need to loose weight and I’m fat and why don’t you love me mom!!!!!!!!!!!! Got any change?

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man i love pissing, this one time some nice other bums gave me a 40 but it wasnt a 40! it was a 40 of pee! but i drank it anywayz cuz what do i care im drunk already man. fuck! i want r kelly to piss on my chest, i get so horny off of that. the two things me and r kelly got in commons is we both made hit R&B songs, and we both got arrested for exposing ourselves in front of an all girls high school. but you gotta learn girls! and nothing says learning like putting it in your mouth while i fail to get an erection.

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woah there doggy style i dunno bout this gay stuff. i mean one time when i was drunk i let this guy rub his ding dong on my leg till he creamed but thats not gay. afterwards he put it on toast and made me eat it but then he gave me a back massage so i was like cool why not! and that’s when i learned the true meaning of winter.

ok thats it ive goten enough of this box with the things that say things when i type them but who cares? i do what i want because the government doesnt own me. ill be passed out with my stick and turtle pillow if you need me.