News to Make You Blue

You want to know what irony is? Irony is leading your country to the brink of complete financial and economic collapse, and then asking asking for donations for your birthday party. This is what Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, is doing. With inflation at a record high of 1,593% and agricultural production down 40%, Mugabe is asking the citizens to contribute $1.2 million for his 83rd BIRTHDAY PARTY. Yes, in a country where GDP is decreasing at 4.4 % per year, unemployment is at 80%, the average income is $2000, and public debt is 108.4% of GDP (as in they are indebted more than they earn as a nation), the President — who turned a prosperous country into the one we see now — wants to reward himself with a FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY. Mission Accomplished, toys!

In less important but equally dejecting news, “Many young Bostonians think city overreacted”. Oh, rly? Thankfully, anyone in my age group has been too busy overdosing on narcissism to notice our wonderful war on life or drinking their Iran Kool-Aid.

Good sex is not a rat race, don’t tell your kids their smart, and don’t forget: social class is the dividing line.

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There is one thing you always want to read when you catch up on sports: “Minnesota high schools grappling with herpes”. Apparently, all of those after-practice shenanigans (read: GAY ORAL SEX WRESTLING HIGH SCHOOL PARTIES!!!) are getting out of control. And the definitive question is asked:

“I think it’s a bold step,” he said. “How else are you going to get this thing cleared up? How do I explain to a mom that her kid has herpes forever?”

…Anderson said the greatest concern is an infection of the eye, which can, in rare cases, lead to scarring or blindness.

You don’t explain it to them, because you probably gave it to them by imposing your sexual deviance all over their body/face, and you didn’t make them wear goggles to shield them from impending sexiness and disease.

That’s not even the scariest or sexiest story of the year according the Economist. No, it’s the illicit smuggling of bomb-grade uranium in former Soviet republics! What, the idea of some radicalists trying to make a bomb scares you? Guess what, the Koran doesn’t come with bomb recipes! If you need me, I’ll be busy driving over foreigners with my Japanese made SUV.

Speaking of radicals, good news everyone! Ted Haggard, minister who thinly veiled his own perversions (including sleeping with male prostitutes and doing meth) by speaking of the evils of homosexuality, is now ‘completely heterosexual’. Oh boy, he’s been cured of his fagness:

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is “completely heterosexual.”

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday’s edition.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Oh, duh! He isn’t a bizarre sex freak, he was ACTING! It was all theater, you know, with the drug use, uber-Christian sermons, and sodomy. This guy is god damn committed to his art, that’s for sure.

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It’s like it’s the 1970′s all over again, with our favorite war criminal Henry Kissinger being asked his advice by George Bush. No, this is not a joke, and yes, we may be fighting in Vietnam (thus Kissinger’s expertise). Christopher Hitchens asks a very relevant and poignant question: Will we never be free of the malign effect of this little gargoyle? (Watch out Chris, you may be next).

And in the tasteful right-wing bigotry of the day, Lauer on Limbaugh’s Michael J. Fox attacks: “Didn’t Rush Limbaugh just say what a lot of people were privately thinking?”. So a guy who has campaigned for Republicans in the past (Specter of PA) and is campaigning for Democrats in the current election is an ‘actor’? Oh boy! But nothing compares to Dennis Millers attack (albeit pretty funny) on Nancy Pelosi:

Now, I’ve worked in office scenarios before where a nimrod rose to a position of power in the office through mere inconsequentiality, and it drove me berserk. And I just know that every day I turn on C-SPAN, which, granted, is never, and see her wielding the wrong end of that gavel, it will give me Krakatoan shpilkes. To think that a C-minus, D-plus applicant like this, who no doubt would have been drummed out of the Mary Kay corps after an initial four-week evaluation period, might have a seat at the table of true powers, the speaker of the House, is absolutely insane.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn but, beep beep.

Capital Punishment Laws of the World; it looks like America has some wonderful company — I think I see Uzbekistan and China in there! And also everyone hates the French, it just takes some shock to figure it out.

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Oh boy, my career is down the tubes and I don’t know what to do. Wait, I’ll love Jesus! Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ‘I’m the first Jesus Psycho’:

Now Baldwin has released a memoir, “The Unusual Suspect,” a reference to the one critically acclaimed film for which he’s known. The book, the “Gospel according to Stevie B.,” is part testimonial and part evangelical manifesto, a cocktail of anti-intellectualism and a biblical interpretation that would have Jesus spinning in his grave, had he stayed there. Baldwin preaches that free will is a lie of Satan — we must shut off our brains, he says, and be led by what God tells our hearts. Furthermore, he writes, efforts to end global poverty and violence are just the sort of “stupid arrogance” that incur God’s wrath, which we’ll be feeling any day now in the coming apocalypse. I suppose when the star of “Bio-Dome” is advising the president and converting kids by the thousands to his gnarly brand of faith, the end is, indeed, nigh.

Best response (and always a reason to love Salon): Dear Lord, please save me from your followers.

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Zach Braff is Zach Braff in another dull movie about emotions smothered with plenty of independent music! Oh boy! Slate vindicates I am not the only person in the world who hates the sheep who love Garden State et. al. shit. “If Zach Braff is the voice of my generation, can’t someone please crush his larynx?”

And let’s not forget about FATWA FRIDAYS: “A car commercial proclaiming a jihad on the U.S. auto market and offering “Fatwa Fridays” with free swords for the kids is offensive and should not be aired, Muslim leaders said on Sunday.”

Which delves into the more serious question, why do they hate us? The answer is a series of semi-humorous political cartoons, and of course, the New York Times. And why do we get so horny? “Women become sexually aroused as quickly as men.” LIES!!!!!!!!!!!! But who the hell gets aroused watching Mr. Bean?

Subjects were naked from the waist down and positioned themselves such that their genital area was exposed and readable by the thermal imaging device. The participants next watched another video with the same subject matter, or one featuring pornography, horror or comedic clips from the Best Bits of Mr Bean.

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