We believe in Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, unless Steve can hit the 3 and Adam can run the motion offense.

This week on the Onion:

A two-handed slam dunk by an openly homosexual man set off a chain of events this week that culminated in the legalization of gay marriage in nine states, including Mississippi and Alabama. “When I saw that dunk, I was like, ‘Whoa!’” said Alabama state Sen. Hinton Mitchem, adding that his office was flooded with calls and e-mails from constituents demanding legal recognition of same-sex marriages following the slam. “A guy with nasty moves like that should be entitled to the same fundamental rights as the rest of us.” On Thursday, the New York State Senate passed a resolution declaring that it would take a pretty sweet roundhouse kick from a gay mixed martial arts champion before it would allow homosexuals to marry.

We slander, you decide.

We had a civil war in America in the mid-19th century because we had a lot of people who believed bad things — namely that you could enslave people because of the color of their skin. We defeated those ideas and the individuals, leaders and institutions that propagated them, and we did it with such ferocity that five generations later some of their offspring still have not forgiven the North.

When I read this, I feel like I’m getting yelled at by Bill Cosby with down syndrome. “You see kids, the Islam today is full of bad people… now back in the 1800’s, America was divided into two worlds: slaves and Abraham Lincoln. And with the mighty advent of Kodak film and jello pudding, Democracy won. To summarize my points, Jihad is bad.” And it only gets better:

A corrosive mind-set has taken hold since 9/11. It says that Arabs and Muslims are only objects, never responsible for anything in their world, and we are the only subjects, responsible for everything that happens in their world. We infantilize them.

What the fuck does this even mean? Does Thomas Friedman not understand what the word “subjects” means? Yes, since 9/11, America has invaded and occupied Iraq and Afghanistan, hoisted billions of dollars onto Saudi Arabia, Israel, Pakistan, and Egypt, and threatened to blow up Iran, and THE ISLAMS is responsible.

Fuck! Why is Thomas Friedman so fucking stupid!

See Also: No, This Time You Suck On This, See If You Can Spot What Tom Friedman Misses, and Internet Proves To Be Fertile Ground For Jihadist Recruitment.

Technorati Tags: thomas friedman, thomas friedman is a fucking idiot, what a tool, how does he write for the new york times, i want to lock tom friedman and joe Lieberman in gitmo and feed them dog shit for the rest of their worthless lives, fuck thomas friedman, idiot, moron, new york times

If the Wall Street overlords are ever to make it out of this recession with their vacation homes, I must take on more crippling debt.

The true meaning of Christmas is overwrought consumerism to placate our strained familial and social ties that have entirely degraded into pecuniary relationships.

Who needs health care when there is high definition television to be watched?

I’m only participating in Black Friday if there are no actual black people involved.

Give me liberty or give me extra fries with that.

God only gives gifts to white people who worship the Constitution or the Pope.

Holiday Miracle: Turn water into savings!

Listen kids, if the elf at the mall looks as queer as he did last year, we’re not going. You’ll just have to send Santa letters at the North Pole.

Christmas is when a mythical flying man bestows upon the rich children the gifts they so rightfully deserve, and charitably gives out coal to the poor children, so they can enjoy their putrid squalor in warmth.

The successful advancement of gender equality can only be attained by the purchase of revealing underwear with risque messages for my 10 year old daughter.

Once again, the collusion of Jews and Mexicans has destroyed the sanctity Christmas.

Buying things I can’t afford makes me forget that my existence is but a means to someone else’s profit.

I don’t care how many people had to live impoverished lives to provide me with cheap electronics and low-quality trinkets. Gimme gimme gimme!

The Lord Jesus rose from his grave into the iPod accessories aisle of Best Buy, and said to his apostles “Oh yey faithful, won’t you consider an extended warranty?”

Singing done by dear friend Kit, while creative vision, direction, and background yelling provided by Alec.

#1 He is an overpaid, wanna-be progressive in the mold of the typical over-educated, under-critical New England Liberal. This can be summed up as “I want a reconfiguration of the American socio-economic landscape, as long as it doesn’t impact my privilege, challenge my own lifestyles and perspective, or induce a structural shift in the inequalities in American society that I benefit from.” These are also the same people that think Barack Obama is ‘change’.

#2 He thinks he is a real journalist. Everyday of his life seems to be a painful exercise in thinking he’s Edward Murrow. Bad news buddy, you’re the centrist version of a Fox News commentator, just spewing vitriol into the magic shiny box every night.

#3 He wins the award for douchiest quote ever, “I’m not a liberal, I’m an American.”

#4 He is a direct descendant of Pol Pot.

There you have it. All the reasons I fucking hate Keith Olbermann.

But they couldn’t have done it with you, Joe Taxpayer:

[Goldman Sachs] was one of the nine big banks that received loans from Treasury last fall. It received $13 billion in the costly, widely questioned September 2008 rescue of insurer AIG. It has sold $22 billion in federally guaranteed debt under a plan the feds started to restore capital markets activity. And it has been a major beneficiary of the low interest rates the government has adopted in hopes of restarting the economy.

Long story short, we all own a little piece of Goldman Sachs largess — I hope my ‘Free Ride On A Goldman Executives Yacht’ voucher is in the mail! And in case you were wondering, $17.1 billion in Goldman bonuses is equal $121 dollars from every one of the 138 million taxpayers.

See Also: Goldman Can Spare You a Dime, Banker Bonuses in a Time of Crisis, The United States of Goldman Sachs, Treasury Officials Received Millions from Goldman Sachs, Goldman Sachs breaks record with $16.7bn bonus pot, Goldman Sachs: All Your Treasury Are Belong to Us, It’s Time to Impose WW II’s 95% Excess Profits Tax, Time for a Windfall Tax On Goldman?, and Keep your hands off Goldman’s bonuses.

Technorati Tags: goldman sachs, record bonuses, goldmen sachs, goldman sechs, record profits, taxpayer, bonuses, bail outs

* The continuation of occupation of Iraq

* The targeting of civilians in Afghanistan

* The unconditional support of systematic ethnic cleansing in Palestine

This is peace that would make from Nobel Peace Prize winner Harry Kissinger proud!

See Also: Even mainstream media stunned, skeptical over Nobel Peace prize, Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. No, really., The Nobel, The GOP Will Whine About the Obama Nobel Peace Prize, Verbatim, Obama Nobel: But what will the wingnuts think?, and Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize.

Technorati Tags: barack obama, nobel peace prize, nobel prize, prize for peace, what peace, obama peace, barak obama, oboma, what did he win for, palestine, iraq, afghanistan, not being george bush, george bush

“But always and always, those who took Trotsky’s side cannot help but look back and think what the Soviet Union might have been if only Stalin had lost that fight. I’m very much among those who feel that American socialists need to look to American history — not Russian or Chinese or Cuban history — to chart our course. But no one who has looked back at the early part of the 20th century can fail to be thrilled by that moment when it seemed as if the workers were actually in control of history. It was this painful memory Trotsky carried with him as he began the first of his exiles in Turkey.

May I suggest — though my Trotskyist and Leninist friends will not hear me — that the greatest honor one could pay to Leon Trotsky would be to let him rest with the honor he earned. And, as he broke with Stalin, so let us break with all undemocratic efforts at revolution, which would make human beings merely “means to the end”. Humanity — each life — is an end in itself. As A.J. Muste said, “there is no way to peace — peace is the way”. So too, revolution begins now, as we empower ourselves to think for our own time.”

Citigroup Inc., one of the biggest recipients of government bailout money, gave employees $5.33 billion in bonuses for 2008, New York’s attorney general said Thursday in a report detailing the payouts by nine big banks.

The report from Attorney General Andrew Cuomo’s office focused on 2008 bonuses paid to the initial nine banks that received loans under the government’s Troubled Asset Relief Program last fall. Cuomo has joined other government officials in criticizing the banks for paying out big bonuses while accepting taxpayer money.

Citigroup, which is now one-third owned by the government as a result of the bailout, gave 738 of its employees bonuses of at least $1 million, even after it lost $18.7 billion during the year, Cuomo’s office said. [via AP]

Think that’s bad? Check out the full statistics below of banks that received TARP bailout funds and the bonuses they handed out:

[Graph via Rolfe Winkler]

All totaled, over $34 billion in bonuses were given out by banks during the financial crisis, or even though the banks lost over $80 billion and took over $175 billion in federal bailout funds via the TARP program. Bonuses thus constitute 20% of the bailout money received and almost half of the banks loses during this period.

Yes, you read that correctly: Banks lost over 80 billion dollars, took over 175 billion dollars in taxpayer bailouts, and yet still handed out 34 billion dollars in corporate bonuses. And to add salt in the wounds, Visa profits jumped 73% the last quarter! Who needs credit card reform or bank regulations anyway?

See Also: Big Banks Give $5.33 Billion In Bonuses, On Q2 Bank Earnings, It’s Still Good To Be A Banker, Bankers’ Bonuses, Bailouts are Bad, $33 Billion in Taxpayer Money Subsidized Wall Street Bonuses, and Bonuses exceeded profits at bailed-out firms.

Technorati Tags: bank bonuses, goldman sachs, wells fargo, citigroup, wachovia, bank of america, Troubled Asset Relief Program, TARP program, corporate bonuses, executive bonuses, taxpayer, tax payer, BOA, investment banks, public money, public bailout, federal bailout, taxpayer money, federal funds, 2008, 2009, wall street

This image was sent by David McKalip, a Florida neurosurgeon:

who serves as a member of the American Medical Association’s House of Delegates… He’s the chair of the Florida Taxpayers Union, the founder of Doctors For Patient Freedom, an anti-health-care-reform group, the president of the Florida Neurological Society, and an all-around anti-government activist.

He’s also an energetic conservative opponent of health-care reform. McKalip founded the anti-reform group Doctors For Patient Freedom, as well as what seems to be a now defunct group called Cut Taxes Now. Last month he joined GOP congressmen Tom Price and Phil Gingrey, among others, for a virtual town hall to warn about the coming “government takeover of medicine.” And in a recent anti-reform op-ed published in the St. Petersburg Times, McKalip wrote that “Congress wants to create larger, government-funded programs for health care and more bureaucracy that ration care and impose cookbook medicine. [via TPM & Gawker]

The photo features a photoshopped picture of Obama on the body of an African tribesmen with a hammer and sickle replacing the C in Obama Care. This may be racist, but then again, what do I know — I’m just a politically correct socialist.

See Also: Why Is Barack Obama Obsessed With Race?, Just wrong, St. Petersburg anti-tax activist David McKalip sends out Barack Obama-as-witch doctor e-mail photo, FL doc’s racist witch-doctor Obama email, Prominent St. Pete doctor blasted for racist Obama e-mail, and holy crap.

Technorati Tags: David McKalip, dave mckalip, racist picture, barack obama, racism, obama care, racist pic, african tribesmen, image, American Medical Association, Florida Taxpayers Union, Doctors For Patient Freedom, republican racism

This past week, Bank of America announced a quarterly profit of over $2.4 billion [source], Citigroup announced record profits of over $3 billion [source], and Goldman Sachs reported profits of over $3.4 billion [source]. Even worse, Goldman Sachs is going to distribute over $11.3 billion in bonuses to it’s employees this year, or over $1 million per employee.

So, let’s just get this straight: the American taxpayer gave nearly a trillion dollars…. so banks could make record profits and so Goldman Sachs could distribute over $11.3 billion dollars to it’s employees. IN BONUSES ALONE.

This isn’t capitalism, this isn’t socialism, this isn’t the work of the free-market… this is pure theft from the American taxpayer and the United States government.

See Also: The real price of Goldman’s giganto-profits, Another Day, Another Bank Getting Rich Off Your Money, How to earn money like Goldman Sachs, Goldman is a little bit pregnant, Letter sent to Goldman Sachs PR chief, JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs Profit Surge is an Accounting Mirage, Not a Sustainable Sector Trend, Free market economics for dummies (and Goldman Sachs), So Now Profits Are Bad News? The Demonization of JPMorgan Chase, Goldman Sachs and Bank of America, Goldman Sachs returns, Asset Sales Lifted Citi and BofA to Profit, Glenn Beck Explains the Goldman Sachs Web, As Bank Bonuses Swell, Congress Gets Bill on Pay, and JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs Profit Surge is an Accounting Mirage.

Technorati Tags: bailout, tarp, goldman sachs, wall street, aig, bank of america, boa, citigroup, record profits, corporate bonuses, executive bonuses, revenues, theft, capitalism, socialism, cronyism, corporatism, thieves

City health officials are investigating the death of a baby boy who was one of three infants to contract herpes after a rabbi circumcised them.

Ten days after Rabbi Yitzhok Fischer performed religious circumcisions on twins last October, one died of herpes and the other tested positive for the virus, according to a complaint filed by the health department in Manhattan Supreme Court.

Under Jewish law, a mohel — someone who performs circumcisions — draws blood from the circumcision wound. Most mohels do it by hand with a suction device, but Fischer uses a practice rare outside strict Orthodox groups where he uses his mouth to draw blood after cutting the foreskin.

Yes, you read that right. A baby died because a herpes-infested Rabbi sucked his blood-covered cock. Thank you, Invisible Superhero in Outerspace, for the ever-loving gift of monotheism.