Dear Readers:
As you may or may not know, I am a Siberian Dwarf Hamster. Not that this strikes me a particular sense of pride, as I am well integrated into American society. But, I felt it necessary to introduce you to some of my pals and bretheren and give you some information about hamsters in general.
We are a very sophisticated breed. If you’ve read about me before, you know I am a hamster of refined taste and sophisticated fashion. Here is a hamster I am currently courting, check out her free mason hat (though I dislike global conspiracies, I will make an exception — look at those whiskers!!!):
Here is a particularly disturbing site about how to eat a hamster. Though we are cute and fuzzy, we are far from delicious (and despite what you may think, my mother has not tried to eat me — yet).
As a hamster, I have a very particular palatte: fresh vegetables and fruits, lean cuts of veal and steak, and gourmet nuts. Sometimes I will even eat Ice Cream. If my homosapien owner says she caught me eating my own deposits… well, I was just sniffing it, OK? I was interested and… ok, you caught me. I’ll eat anything and so will hamsters in general.
In terms of housing, we are not too greedy. A nice large cage, furnished with a cage and fluff is all we require. I love fluff because it allows me to bury myself under a warm fabric and feel safe and secure (tunnels are our natural habitat, but I for one am in love with the big city!).
Here is a pic of me making a nice little fortress for myself:
It was soon disrupted by a large humanoid hand, which upset me greatly. Thankfully, I enacted revenge by urinating on it, biting his index finger, and scurrying under the table. I am currently hiding under a collection of discarded Hot Pockets, reading Caesar’s diary’s, and formulating plans of a grand-scale offensive on my owners living space. So far, I have defecated on the floor and nibbled on one leg of a chair.
Unfortunately, my health is steadily declining, and in fact have felt more and more cold as the days go on. I will keep you informed, dear friends.
Truly yours,
Mao
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