I hope swine flu kills you all

There’s a retarded picture going around of a little kid licking the nose of a pig with the caption, “You little bastard, you’ve killed us all.”

First off, fuck this picture.

I’m tired of cats, gerbils, hedgehogs, and hamsters with dumbass captions sabotaging my Reddit front page.

Second, it’s supposed to be funny because none of us really expect the human race to perish from swine flu, so this ugly ass tow headed kid licking the nose of a pig is meant to remind us that life is cute and adorable and pigs are wonderful animals despite the panic.

I am not laughing.

It is my sincere wish that seven out of ten people who read this post experience the excruciating business end of H1N1.

Yes. You, and you, and you.

We need to grab our collective sac and face the facts:

Earth has grown obese with humans. It has a homo sapien spare tire riding its gut, and if there isn’t a rapid depopulation within the next five years — leaving the human species so decimated  that we can’t over fish, pump shit into the air, and dump waste into our rivers at the same self-destructive pace — the world won’t be habitable soon anyway.

Fact.

Please stop the hand wringing, the moaning, the bitching, the useless worry over self-preservation (god is not looking out for you because he does not exist, so you can stop praying too), and start calling whatever pandemic inevitably wipes out a good two-thirds of the world population what it is.

Nature’s version of gastric bypass surgery.

Knock off a subcontinent or two, the entire East Coast of the United States, all the Speedo wearing men in Europe and a whole bunch of chopstick users in Central Asia.

Who fucking cares? Humanity is like a weed. Give us a little water and we spring right back.

I’m not crying if a whole handful of helicopter parents and their pansy ass, allergy prone progeny perish.

Here’s a radical suggestion: Don’t wash your hands. Don’t cover your mouth when you cough. When you feel swine flu symptoms setting in, use drinking fountains and hang out in shopping malls.

Find a way to serve food at the local elementary school cafeteria and sneeze on the mac and cheese.

Invite your friends and neighbors over when you start feeling sick, and spike their food with the flu by dipping your cock in their soup.

Be at peace with this situation. In the long run, depopulation on a massive scale is good for us as a species. Yes, it is. To argue otherwise is to be a deluded douche nozzle who isn’t paying attention to science.

So go forth. Catch swine flu. Vomit blood into your toilet.

Then do us all a favor. Die.

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  1. James says:

    “Then do us all a favor. Die.”

    You first.

  2. Me? I’m locked in my fallout bunker with a three-foot thick steel door and ten years of canned food right now. I don’t personally want to die, I’m just rooting for everyone else.

  3. Anonymous says:

    How about instead of writing crap (which probably took you 4 hours), you do the world a favor and get a job….or stop breathing

  4. Four hours? Hahaha.

    I spin out 500 word opinion pieces like this during ten minute breaks from the kind of work you only dream about getting paid to do.

  5. alec says:

    Haha, good work my friend! Your second day on the (BLOG) job, and you’re already getting spiteful comments. Hoozah!

  6. Anonymous says:

    LOL! Time for someone to take his nap, Whiskey Tango.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Mmmm…your pseudo-intellectual secular humanist ramblings are a rather weak glaze over the very painful emotional/psychological scars you’re clearly trying to scab over. I should pray for you, but I’m only human too (maybe I still will). If swine flu is really on your mind, to the extent you take even 10 minutes out of your bourgeois decent paying job (if you really made loot, you wouldn’t need to tell people you did), that’s too much. It’s a mad world, donnie darko. You’re not helping with that tripe (tripe, get it? swine flu? I’m f–cking hillarious!!!)

  8. SATAN says:

    I HOPE THE SWINE FLU WIPES OUT THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE. STARTING WITH ME.

    FT3W. ERIC HARRIS WAS A GENIOUS, BUT BAD AT FUSES.

  9. alec says:

    “FT3W. ERIC HARRIS WAS A GENIOUS, BUT BAD AT FUSES.” Best comment ever.

  10. Anonymous says:

    what an angry individual. demon perhaps? what are you doing out of prison? i hope you rot in hell. this is what happens when cousins fuck.

  11. alec says:

    Wait, what happens when cousin fuck? And if it’s going to happen again in the near future, can I video tape it? Pls? Pretty Pls?

  12. Anonymous says:

    ur all a bunch of dumbass self-engrosed im smarter than you and can do everything and know everything that can be or ever has been done assholes.now look whats goin on!our ever so brilliant spy president is taking us down from the inside out there would be no other way to do it we are the most powerful country in the world u fools we cannot be taken with force@!we must be manipulated by someone who we trust who has the power to make all the wrong decisions and the american public is lickin his ass your all fools everyone who voted for or supports him u really think hes an american ? theres no evidence of this so while hes got u distracted with a pig situation im watchin and im comin soon i am DEATH

  13. SATAN says:

    you are anonymous, pussy death, with a small d.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Awesome post!
    Personally I’m hoping the vaccine is what does people in. At least then all the dumbass people who blindly follow their god, government and mass media will be the ones whiped out.

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