Dear Dedicated Readers:

I have come with a mission today: Explain It All From Clarissa.

Clarissa Explains It All was a rudimentary television program that ran in the early 1990’s on Nickelodeon. It featured the main character as the slightly aloof, indifferent daughter counterbalanced by the red headed Conservative child bent on world domination (Ferguson), and the liberal parents who were constantly stuffing tofu and thoughts of equality down their mush-brain children’s throat. This formula was directly lifted from Family Ties as the relevance of Alex P Keaton reemerged with the falling of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Reagan Era. There was also Sam, a clear example of emergence the Grunge era, and the author suspects Sam is a distant relative of Eddie Vedder. Sam’s influence was able to create both mimicked video games on Clarissa’s computer and promote sales of Pearl Jam’s first album, Ten. Sam is also the antagonist in Pearl Jam’s video ‘Jeremy’.

Note the apathy and disdain for mainstream culture in both dress and posture

Clarissa also was marketed towards a dangerous cross section of susceptible children and robots. This demographic was seen as the key to future power holding — children, because they are the future, and robots, because they control the future. It is assumed an irrational power-share of neo-Communists and Green Party allies were responsible for the direction of this show.

The show’s theme song is another boiling point for criticism. The lyrics are clearly ‘na na na na, na na na na, way cool, na na na na na, just do it!’. This is obviously an attempt to encourage sexual behavior among adolescents, and I am positive that I am not alone in having lost my virginity while watching this show. Further, if you listen to the lyrics backwards, it gives you a recipe for vegetarian lasagna and instructions on how to infiltrate government networks.

There are many unanswered questions about this show. First, was this show funded by the Clintons? The liberal leanings of this show may have had the opposite intended effect after the 1994 retaking of both the House and Senate by the Republicans. There is in fact a dramatic link between the GOP retaking power and the destabilizing of the Clarissa ‘power source’ in America. Clarissa was in fact cancelled in 1994, as was noted by the Newt Gingrich and Bill O’Reilly, who at the time was the host of a Current Affairs. Further, as America moved away from the grunge era, inspired by Republican fund-raiser and boy band promoter Luke Pearlman, Clarissa and it’s liberal leanings lost ALL cultural relevance.

Ferguson appears ready to do battle in alliance with the forces of racism and capitalism

In conclusion, Clarissa Explains It All was a desperate attempt to realign political motives in America. Next week I will cover the socio-economic implications and the fact that Donkey Lips was in fact a Marxist.

UPDATE

Clarissa’s Dad, once esteemed actor Joe O’Conner, has been spotted on a Pizza Hut commercial as satisfied biter number two. Is this the work of reactionary forces?