The Best Of You

You gaze idly at the carnage around you, sigh, and go calmly back to your coffee and your People magazine. You think you’re an activist because you bitch all day on the internet, but you reelect the same gangsters at a 99% rate. You shrug your shoulders at the knowledge that your government is populated by criminal liars intent on fooling you into impoverished, helpless submission. You cheer this process on. You consider yourself informed because you waste a significant portion of your life watching the same three news stories cycle over and over again on your gargantuan, aerodynamic television set while you eat processed food. Your whole life has been a pitiful exercise in rote mimicry, a meek subjugation of individuality in exchange for herd approval. Your delusions of “common sense” wisdom stem from an unwillingness to seek information and an inability to critically analyze it. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You never hesitate to offer strong opinions on subjects you don’t know a damn thing about. You’re more worried about friction on the “Desperate Housewives” set than the lack of health coverage at your tedious, soul-destroying job. You have no idea what is going on in the world, and you’re fine with that. You have a poorer understanding of your country’s foreign policy history than a third world peasant, but you can’t wait to see what Julia Roberts will be wearing at the Oscars. You are shallow, inconsiderate, afraid, brand-conscious, sedentary, and totally self-obsessed. You are American. You are why democracy doesn’t work. You are an idiot.

Exhibit A: You’re fat.

Punishment: You’re soaking in it.

[a mash up of the You’s from the past 5 years Buffalo Beasts 50 Most Loathsome]

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  1. Anonymous says:

    Amen. Never a truer word was written

  2. Anonymous says:

    It’s a good thing you told the internet about this. We’ll fix this for you right away.

  3. Anonymous says:

    As a former American, (now live in London) I am in full agreement. I go to the US for business and cringe everytime I am there. I think they are getting more stupid evrytime I go….I guees they need to make room for extra fat so lose the brain cells.

  4. Anonymous says:

    “You think you’re an activist because you bitch all day on the internet[…]”

    I thought the irony was delicious 🙂

  5. alec says:

    That last line must be really difficult to read:

    [a mash up of the You’s from the past 5 years Buffalo Beasts 50 Most Loathsome]

  6. Anonymous says:

    That’s nice.

  7. Jim says:

    I’m not America (Greek-Canadian) but I don’t think of Americans that way. I think some mistakes were made after 9/11 (including a few doozies like torture) but America in general is a great country. Plenty of opportunity for all. Lots of rights. All sorts of useful technology is created that improves the quality of life for people around the world.

    Is it perfect? Hell no-but point to me a country that is.

    Consider that Americans just voted for a black guy with the middle name “Hussein”-right after nearly going to war with the whole middle east. That to me is inspirational and speaks volumes about the character of America. I for one am sick of all the America bashing that is in vogue these days. Long live America!!!

  8. matt says:

    You are a college freshman who has just discovered Nietzsche…

  9. Anonymous says:

    I love generalizations we all know there are no exceptions.

  10. Tim says:

    Corporate America is robbing 99% of the people in this country. TV and internet distracts, “dumbs-down”, and confuses that 99% on a daily basis. I mean look at bank charges and policies, phone company charges and policies, crap like predicto… ALL corporate business in America will do anything and everything to get one more dollar out of your pocket. The government protects them and allows it to happen. Fascism.

    Banks spent millions of their bailout money on lobbyists who are working to make it so these banks do not have to account for where the money went. Think about that, we are bailing these companies out and they are spending the money on making it where they are STILL not accountable for what they do/have done. Why are we not at the gates of the white house with pitchforks and torches?

    An example of how o fix thing.. lets say with gas prices is this… ride a bike… carpool.. take public transit.. don’t buy gas.. again DONT BUY GAS. These days your true vote is your dollar. Want change, stop giving these scam artists your money. We need to organize, we need to fight back.

    You people “in-the-know”, need to stop your pretentious bullshit, you are just as bad, if not worse then the people you complain about. The problem is now obvious, EVERYONE rants about it /golfclap. Lets move on to solutions or our kid’s kids will be speaking chinese… and we will deserve it.

  11. atxpyro says:

    You’re right…and you’re wrong. There is a segment of American society that is as you describe. And that particular segment may be increasing in numbers. And they certainly are easy to notice, wherever you may wander. But, the majority of Americans still get out of bed every morning and go to work at a job that provides a measurable benefit to our Democratic society. You just don’t see us. Have a prosperous and productive day! Peace

  12. Anonymous says:

    Please die in a fire.

  13. Tim says:

    “Please die in a fire.”

    This is the problem. Spoiled, ignorant, MTV kids, who think Tila Tequila is cool and normal. They have no idea about life, ethics, intelligence, foresight, planning, etc.

    America is rotting from the inside out because we are producing many more stupid people then productive, intelligent, citizens. The baby boomers basically sold out America’s youth.

    I would advise you learn how to say “Would you like fries with that sir?” in Chinese.

  14. Anonymous says:

    HAHAHAH!!! STFU YOU PIECE OF SHIT EURO TRASH MUTHER FUCKER!! WHEN YOUR PANSY COUNTRY NEEDS SOMEONE TO SAVE IT GUESS WHOS ASS YOU GONNA BE KISSING!!!

    AMERICA FUCK YA!

  15. Anonymous says:

    “HAHAHAH!!! STFU YOU PIECE OF SHIT EURO TRASH MUTHER FUCKER!! WHEN YOUR PANSY COUNTRY NEEDS SOMEONE TO SAVE IT GUESS WHOS ASS YOU GONNA BE KISSING!!!

    AMERICA FUCK YA!”

    Assuming this wasn’t posted satirically, thank you for proving our point exactly 🙂

  16. Anonymous says:

    Whoa, I think I need to take off my sweatshirt, it just got really smug in here.

  17. Well.. says:

    What should we do about it? I dont see any solutions being given. You obviously are wise beyond anyone here. Please, give us a soltuion instead of bitching about it. I’m serious, I agree with you. What can we do? What should we do?

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