The Onion Always Knows, Geopolitical Edition

U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths

Representatives from the nation’s leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education….

Millions of U.S. flag–related injuries and fatalities have been reported over a 230-year period in locations as far flung as Europe, Cuba, Korea, Gettysburg, PA, the Philippines, and Iraq. In addition, the company found that U.S. flag exports to Vietnam during the late 1960s and early 1970s resulted in hundreds of thousands of deaths, a clear sign that there was something seriously wrong with its product.

In other news, PBH is becoming a Onion distributor.

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I Told You We’d Do It!!!

New design, fuck it! We’re doing it live!

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My Pain Is All Too Palpable (Or Mockable)

I’ve Left My Haltingly Awkward Voice Message; Now The Ball’s In Her Court:

As a single guy who’s gotten out there a fair amount, I’ve learned how to play the game. The way I see it, if someone’s interested, great. If not, no skin off my nose. Take last night: I got the number of this hot young thing at a bar and decided to give her a call. And now that I’ve left my painfully uncomfortable six-minute-long voice message on her cell, I’m not going to waste my time obsessing over my next move. The ball’s in her court.

If she wants to make the next move and return my panicked and barely coherent phone message, that’s fine by me. If not, she can take a hike.

How do they always know?!?! :(

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A Soldier Is A Terrorist With A Uniform

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