Posted on September 12, 2009 in Articles
In America, we are hitting a cross-roads with health care reform. It has fragmented and polarized political discourse while political leaders have failed to come up with an adequate compromise. As a contributor to a great blog like Prose Before Hos, it is my responsibility to think “outside the box” and come up with solutions to the nations greatest ills.
The largest constituency that is opposed to health care reform are the elderly, evidenced by a recent CNN poll where “six in 10 seniors opposed to the president’s proposals [for health care reform]“. Conventional thinking would say “Oh no! How do we convince slobby gross old people to agree to sign up for Obama’s death panels?”
This is why conventional thinking is worthless. Maybe Chuck Todd will send his grandparents into the FEMA Health Care-O-Caust camps being set up by Rahm Emmanuel. But you know what that means? You still have a gross geezer body covered in vermouth and stall Cheez Its to dispose of. And that takes a lot of time and money, especially considering FEMA’s specialty is making sure minorities die during national disasters, not disposing of the social and economic vampires that are the elderly.
The real answer is that we can not hesitate to grind up our elderly into delicious high-protein bars. Old people not only oppose health care reform (bad), but they smell (worse), they talk too much (worser), and they gross out everybody when they eat (the worst). Seriously, have you seen an old person eat? It’s repugnant. They get crap all over their lips and they don’t even realize, and half of the time their clothes are on sideways and they don’t care because they will spend the rest of their lives waiting for the Grim Reaper to take them away from the real-life hell that has become their existence.
Anyway, if we convert them into high-protein energy bars, we can solve numerous problems plaguing society. First, health care reform will be more viable, and we can finally have the socialist society promised to us by the Koran. Secondly, we can deprive fat people of any food except for these energy bars. Third, kids can learn to appreciate the values of their elders by consuming their flesh for their slimy, gray nutrients.
Bonus: If MIT decides to get off it’s lazy asses and do something for society, they will figure out a way to convert old people into sustainable energy. I don’t care if we’re throwing their wrinkled, moribund bodies into train engines, let’s just do something with them. Because frankly I’m tired of having my Friday night’s at Bennigans ruined by old people eating in front of me.