Hey, free internet idiocy

You want to know why the internet is cool? Because everyone’s a fucking expert. Get a domain, post some flim flam, and you are officially source material for some poor college students thesis paper.

Take this rant on thelastpsychiatrist.com, leading you to believe that a legitimate psychiatrist is informing the general public with his or her BLOG. WRONG. Check out this fabulous piece, which descends into the nether regions of porn viewing, leading into grand yim yammering that concludes that the prevalence of porn and thus masturbation are leading to decreasing birth rates. Well guess what, rookie bi-yatch, the highest correlated variable for declining birth rates is EDUCATION. Specifically female education, and not the kind where there teacher penetrates them with a ruler. If you’re looking for more pontifications on subjects unknown by various anonymous electronic idiots, I suggest America’s Next Top Model Controversy: Glamorizing Violence Against Women? — because nothing says intelligence like charging around, fighting a battle already waged in the 60′s.

If you’re actually looking something interesting / intelligent to read on a blog (I know, it’s possible??), I suggest America Has Become “Politically Radioactive” on Atlantic Review or if you feel like contributing to a lost cause, poke Nancy Pelosi with calls for impeachment.

Anti-Capitalism in Five Minutes or Less

Have you ever wondered why capitalism is an inequitable system that subjugates not only people but the political system they choose even in a democracy, resulting in a hegemonic relationship that makes your government a subsidiary of the economy? Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, money is another resource with finite allocations that necessitate that one person having more means another person having less? Or were you too busy twiddling your D to the latest round of American Idol while buying Hello Kitty toilet paper to notice that your government has been hijacked by rich white males who want to perpetuate their system of control? Either way, Robert Jensen has a nice summary of all things wrong in our stubborn little Western world in ‘Anti-Capitalism in Five Minutes or Less‘.

Capitalism is admittedly an incredibly productive system that has created a flood of goods unlike anything the world has ever seen. It also is a system that is fundamentally (1) inhuman, (2) anti-democratic, and (3) unsustainable. Capitalism has given those of us in the First World lots of stuff (most of it of marginal or questionable value) in exchange for our souls, our hope for progressive politics, and the possibility of a decent future for children.

And with the real nail on the head:

2. Capitalism is anti-democratic

This one is easy. Capitalism is a wealth-concentrating system. If you concentrate wealth in a society, you concentrate power. Is there any historical example to the contrary?

For all the trappings of formal democracy in the contemporary United States, everyone understands that the wealthy dictates the basic outlines of the public policies that are acceptable to the vast majority of elected officials. People can and do resist, and an occasional politician joins the fight, but such resistance takes extraordinary effort. Those who resist win victories, some of them inspiring, but to date concentrated wealth continues to dominate. Is this any way to run a democracy?

If we understand democracy as a system that gives ordinary people a meaningful way to participate in the formation of public policy, rather than just a role in ratifying decisions made by the powerful, then it’s clear that capitalism and democracy are mutually exclusive.

Let’s make this concrete. In our system, we believe that regular elections with the one-person/one-vote rule, along with protections for freedom of speech and association, guarantee political equality. When I go to the polls, I have one vote. When Bill Gates goes the polls, he has one vote. Bill and I both can speak freely and associate with others for political purposes. Therefore, as equal citizens in our fine democracy, Bill and I have equal opportunities for political power. Right?

And of course, the final blow to all you capitulaters and compromisers masquerading as pragmatists (if you loved America, you’d question it’s institutions):

One of the common responses I hear when I critique capitalism is, “Well, that may all be true, but we have to be realistic and do what’s possible.” By that logic, to be realistic is to accept a system that is inhuman, anti-democratic, and unsustainable. To be realistic we are told we must capitulate to a system that steals our souls, enslaves us to concentrated power, and will someday destroy the planet.

Washington Post or the Onion?

The Article: An article in today’s Washington Post by Sam Ghattas entitled “Hezbollah Praises Israeli Report on War”. Oh, really, Mr. Washington Post, what other obvious factoids do you have to report on? Sky is blue, life is hard, and Dick Cheney gets a massive erection every time a brown person dies?

The Text: Hezbollah’s leader praised an Israeli government report that said Israel’s summer war against the guerrillas was a failure. But the Lebanese government criticized the findings, saying the report did not address the massive destruction wrought on this country.

The conflicting comments Wednesday from Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah and Prime Minister Fuad Saniora underlined Lebanon’s own internal political struggle between the militant group and the U.S.-backed government.

Nasrallah, who also criticized his own government’s handling of the war, said the Israeli commission reviewing the Lebanon war vindicated his claim that Israel had been defeated.

“The first important outcome of this commission is that it has finally and officially decided the issue of victory and defeat,” Nasrallah said.

But he also gave his enemy unprecedented praise.

“It is worthy of respect that an investigative commission appointed by (Israeli Prime Minister Ehud) Olmert condemns him,” Nasrallah told a crowd at the opening of a book fair in a south Beirut neighborhood complex that was rebuilt after being leveled by Israeli warplanes during the summer fighting.

“Even though they’re our enemies, it is worthy of respect that the political forces and the Israeli public act quickly to save their state, entity, army and their existence from the crisis,” the Shiite Muslim cleric added.

The 34-day war against Hezbollah guerrillas, during which more than 1,000 Lebanese and nearly 160 Israelis died, has been widely perceived in Israel as a failure. The report said Olmert bore ultimate responsibility, accusing him of poor judgment, hasty decision-making and lack of vision, fueling reports that he may be forced to step down.

In a tough blow to Olmert, Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni called on him to resign. Livni, who enjoys wide public support, also said she would challenge Olmert for leadership of the governing Kadima Party.

Olmert said he intended to stay on to remedy the severe flaws in decision-making and crisis management that a government war probe identified the report.

Nasrallah’s remarks may have been attempt to steer attention away from the dramatic political events unfolding in Israel. Any inflammatory remarks by the Hezbollah leader could buoy Olmert, who faces calls to step down from within his own coalition and has been working feverishly to retain his hold on power since the report’s release earlier this week.

Saniora, meanwhile, did not offer any praise for Israel and instead called on the deeply divided Lebanon to unite. He warned that Israel could be planning future attacks to restore its credibility.

“I call on my Lebanese brothers to unite in the face of what Israel might be seeking to launch against Lebanon,” Saniora said.

Saniora’s government has been facing a campaign by the Hezbollah-led opposition to force it to resign. Hezbollah officials accused the majority of conniving with the Israelis to destroy the pro-Syrian and pro-Iranian guerrillas.

The U.S.-backed Saniora has refused to step down and has demanded that the state should have the sole monopoly on weapons _ a tacit allusion to the ultimate need for Hezbollah to disarm.

Saniora criticized the Israeli report for failing to address the destruction, estimated at more than $5 billion, inflicted on Lebanon by the Israeli air and naval bombardment as well as the ground incursion during the war.

The report on the “unjust war … did not make a single mention of the massive material, human losses and destruction Israel inflicted on Lebanon,” Saniora said.

Nasrallah also took issue with the Lebanese government, which he claims has not taken the steps to investigate its side of conflict.

“When the enemy entity acts honestly and sincerely even if its cause is unjust we cannot but respect it, especially when we look at the other (Lebanese) side which does not investigate, does not study and does not hold (anyone) accountable and does not form investigative commissions as if nothing has happened,” he said.

The militant Hezbollah leader, whose group came under criticism by some Arab governments early on in the fight for triggering the war when it kidnapped two Israeli soldiers in a cross-border raid on July 12, also lamented the divisions within his country and the region.

“It is regretful that we the Arab world and Lebanon are waiting for an Israeli commission to settle for us this dispute and to tell us ‘seriously you have won and we (Israelis) were defeated,’” Nasrallah said.

Analysis: Wow, do we all feel a little bit stupider for having read that? What’s next, an expose by the Iraqi Information Minister of the Saddam Era with a report on how Muhammed is going to drop magic rain on the American Zionist European Colonizers while Olmert bathes himself in the blood of Lebanese children and negative popularity? Though I’m thoroughly impressed that Sam Ghattas could get an article published in the Washington Post to that effect. Next time you want to write if the Red Sox like beating the Yankees, give me a call, I got plenty of fill in the blank answers for your future columns.

And if you’re actually interested in an interesting exploration of this topic, check out On the Face on local reaction, A Blog For All on the Israeli protests, and an extensive post on the crisis faced at the Olmert government. Because god knows you won’t get it from the Post.

Gigantic Duck Penis and Burritos in Superheros Pants

This may be the most important news item of the century: Ducks are developing gigantic penises. Yes, gigantic penises. And nothing sums up the mission of this groundbreaking investigation better than how the researcher stumbled upon this field:

Dr. Brennan was oblivious to bird phalluses until 1999. While working in a Costa Rican forest, she observed a pair of birds called tinamous mating. “They became unattached, and I saw this huge thing hanging off of him,” she said. “I could not believe it. It became one of those questions I wrote down: why do these males have this huge phallus?”

Basically what you have is a scientist checking out a big floppy bird cock, and says, I want to know more about this — I… I want that inside ME!! (OK I made the last part up, but let’s just assume). But seriously, how lonely do you have to be to have so much interest in bird dick? Answer: very lonely.

Second most important news? To celebrate the 4th year anniversary of Mission Accomplished, a 50-foot ‘Mission Accomplished?’ banner was unfurled in front of White House last week (yessss).

And while we’re all pandering to our various constituents, how about Hilldog getting on her knees for some delicious Israel money? “Democratic presidential candidate and New York Senator Hillary Clinton said Tuesday that it might be necessary for America to confront Iran militarily, addressing that possibility more directly than any of the other presidential candidates who spoke this week to the National Jewish Democratic Council.” Lets hope she doesn’t get too tired carrying all that gold from New York to Washington!

And on a final note, Captain America was arrested with a burrito in his pants:

A Brevard County doctor dressed up in a Captain America outfit was arrested with a burrito in his tights. What he allegedly did at the police station got him into more trouble.

Doctor Raymond Adamcik, 54, would probably rather forget about the weekend when he was arrested on charges of battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence. It’s not what you would expect from a doctor or Captain America.

The Palm Bay family physician was at On Tap bar as part of a pub-crawl with other medical professionals. It was a sort of costume party on a bus that would take them around from bar to bar.

Everything was fine until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, a burrito that ultimately landed him in jail…

On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.”

The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station. There, while in a holding cell, police said, he asked to use the bathroom and tried to flush a joint, also hidden in his blue tights, down the toilet.

Oh America, how I love thee.

Thoughts of the Average American

As Imagined By Network Executives:

“If I cannot see sports scores, stock reports, and weather forecasts scrolling across the bottom of the screen at all times, I will kill myself.”

“I can’t wait to see this overweight middle aged comic and his disproportionately attractive wife deal with their adolescent children in a humorously unorthodox, though ultimately conservative manner.”

“I don’t see enough petty, selfish individuals in my daily life. Therefore, I will tune in to tonight’s scheduled reality television show.”

“You cannot make a television show too stupid for me to watch.”

“I was going to change the channel until the network reminded me, halfway through the first commercial break, that the program would ‘be right back.’ I had previously been under the impression that the program was lost and would never return.”

“I find this sitcom intellectually challenging.”

“I am completely unaware of the fact that the corporation being investigated by the FBI in this news segment owns this news station. Even if I were aware of this fact, I would put great faith in the objectivity and journalistic integrity of this enormous media conglomerate.”

“Becker is not on TV enough.”

As Imagined by a Music Executive:

“I’m glad this rock band has a limited repertoire of similarly progressing power chords. If their songs were more creative, it would confuse me, and I would not buy their album.”

“As a member of the African-American community, I readily identify with this hip-hop artist’s misogynistic views and propensity towards crime.”

“That beautiful and scantily clad young woman, whose name escapes me at the moment, is my favorite musical artist of all time.”

“It’s a good thing my carbonated soft-drink came with one free music download, for I would have felt uncomfortable downloading free music on the internet.”

“Finally a halftime show that combines my love of hard-nosed championship football and pre-pubescent teen-pop!”

“I will buy any CD that produces sound.”

As Imagined by Politicians:

“I am upset that I work full time and still fall below the poverty line. I blame queers and people of another race.”

“Clearly, the best way to reduce crime is to build more prisons. Evidence linking poverty and crime is flimsy at best.”

“At least both candidates favor education initiatives with humanitarian names that direct money towards arbitrary and biased standardized tests. Hiring more qualified teachers and rebuilding crumbling inner-city schools would yield questionable results.”

“The rich do enough for this country. They should not have to pay higher taxes than the rest of us.”

“I fear that we might one day be attacked by a country whose economy is based almost entirely on trade with the United States. Therefore, we must spend more on our military than every other nation combined. This will make other countries feel more secure, and they will whore their underclass to us rather than initiate an arms race.”

“Morality is derived from creatively interpreting apocryphal texts, not the desire to reduce human suffering.”

“If we give free health care to poor people by taxing the super-rich, the economy, and quite possibly the universe, will collapse.”

“I see many distinct differences between these two courageous candidates.”

“Congratulations on successfully side-stepping another important question and leaving me lost in forest of vague rhetoric and empty catch-phrases. You’ve got my vote.”

“One American life is worth approximately ten European lives, four hundred thousand African lives, and fifteen million Arab lives.”

“A presidential candidate’s war record is the deciding factor in his ability to oversee the American economy.”

“The rich white liberal cares about me more than the rich white conservative, though they both care about me very much.”

As Imagined By a Marketing Executive:

“I prefer the product with the attractive salespeople.”

“I was heretofore unaware of the maximum safe duration for a chemically induced erection.”

“That recognizable athlete scores all those points because of his brand-name sports beverage, right?”

“This song reminds me of my youth. Therefore, I will buy.”

“I can only afford $74.99 on a new pair of old looking blue jeans; $75 is just too much.”

“I would have gone to an amateur poetry reading rather than the monster truck rally had the gentleman on the radio commercial not been yelling.”

“Wow. I had no idea smoking was so bad for you.”

“If I buy this face cream, I will be as beautiful as the actress endorsing it.”

“After hearing rap music on their commercial, I can now trust this giant white-owned corporation to fulfill all my consumer needs. It no longer bothers me that the CEO eliminated all employee benefits to build his own country club.”

“There is very likely buried treasure somewhere in the backyard of my suburban Chicago home. If only there were a way of detecting the presence of metal underground.”

“Yes, I have been injured recently. And, no, I hadn’t considered litigation until this trustworthy family man suggested it.”

“I can’t believe I voted for a politician so soft on crime. I will not make the same mistake this election. I am also far more likely to vote for the smiling candidate in the color photograph.”

“This electronics super store has so many things I need at such great prices that I might just kill myself.”

“With that many explosions, how could the movie not be good?”

“I will enjoy your inexpensive, highly potent alcohol responsibly.”

”This celebrity who appears to be in good physical shape must be an expert on health and nutrition.”

“When passing a car dealership with a catchy jingle, I will remember that they have fair prices and know that I am a busy man. When I finally have some free time, I will buy the first safe, reliable, and easily financed automobile I see.”

Via Cracked, a step above soliloquy from anonymous middle american.