The 25 Best Simpsons Quotes, Moments, And General Hilarity

Simpsons Hippity Hop

After devoutly watching the Simpson’s for 20 years, I thought I’d share my favorite 25 Simpsons quotes, scenes and other miscellany hiliarity from the history of the show. The majority of the quotes from seasons 5-10, but feel free to add your own in the comments (and perhaps I’ll expand it to 50 if a lot more get added!).

1. Bill Cosby explains ‘the rap music’ and kids, all while including all his favorite corporate sponsors:

Cosby: Hey, kids! Meet Grampa Murphy.
Child: We have three grampas already!
Cosby: This one’s a great jazz musician.
Child: Oh, they all are.
Cosby: Oh, oh: you see, the kids, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage. With their hippin’, and the hoppin’, and the bippin’, and the boppin’, so they don’t know what the jazz…is all about! You see, jazz is like the Jello Pudding Pop — no, actually, it’s more like Kodak film — no, actually, jazz is like the New Coke: it’ll be around forever, heh heh heh.

2. Best Simpsons Quotes: Homer Goes For The Sweet Candy

Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on [cut] her sweet [cut] can. [cut] — o I grab her — [cut] sweet can. [cut] Oh, just thinking about [cut] her [splice] can [cut] I just wish I had he — [cut] sweet [cut] sweet [cut] s-s-sweet [cut] can.
Jones: So, Mr. Simpson: you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?
Homer: [looking lustful in a clearly-paused VCR shot]
Jones: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. [paused shot of Homer grows larger] No, Mr. Simpson, don’t take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! Mist — Mr. Simpson — nooo!
Over-Voice: Dramatization — may not have happened.

3. Kang speaks volumes on American politics

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, 73-year-old candidate, Bob Dole.
Kang: Abortions for all.
[crowd boos]
Very well, no abortions for anyone.
[crowd boos]
Hmm… Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.
[crowd cheers and waves miniature flags]

4. Gas, the world’s only unlimited resource.

Canyonero!
Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down, It’s the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown!
The Federal Highway commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.
12 yards long, 2 lanes wide, 65 tons of American Pride!
Top of the line in utility sports, unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
She blinds everybody with her super high beams, She’s a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine!

5. Homer doesn’t want to deal with Grimey (heya Strech)Best Simpsons Quotes To Professionalism

Marge: Homer, why aren’t you at work?
Homer: The car won’t start. I don’t feel very good today. I am at work.
Marge: You’re afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren’t you?
Homer: That’s crazy talk. You’re crazy, Marge. Get off the road!
[honks horn]
Marge: You have to face him sometime, and when you do I’m sure he’ll be just as anxious to make up as you are.
Homer: No he won’t, he hates me.
Marge: He doesn’t hate you. He just feels insecure because you’re getting through life so easily, and it’s been so difficult for him.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, that’s his problem, he’s a nut! It’s not about me being lazy, it’s about him being a crazy nut.
Marge: Well … maybe. But I bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, mmm, professional in your work.
Homer: [gasps]
Marge: Just a little more. Then he won’t have any reason to resent you.
Homer: I’ll do it! [produces a bottle of Duff] To professionalism!

   

Homer Beats Up Hamburgler6. That’s it, I’m going to clown college.

Emcee: And now, to help introduce our fantastic new burger — the one with ketchup — here he is, coming in by parachute: Krusty the Klown!
[sound of Homer yelling, getting rapidly louder] [he smashes through the hamburger display; his parachute floats gently after him]
Children: Yay!
Homer: “To audience: I now proclaim this new burger…for sale!”
Children: Yay!
Homer: [sees emcee motioning, laughs like Krusty] [Homer does some inept cartwheels] Oh…save me.
Children: Yay!
[a midget in a prison outfit and mask walks out]
Child: It’s the Krusty Burglar!
Homer: Ohmigod! He’s stealing all the burglars! Why you little —
[jumps Krusty Burglar, starts pummeling him]
Emcee: Oh, Homer, it — it’s all — it — it’s all j — jus — just an act!
Child: [crying] Stop! Stop, he’s already dead.
Emcee: Er, Krusty the Klown, everybody!
[a few children clap; the rest are too horrified]

7. Quintessential Moleman.

Audience: Boo! Boo!
Burns: Smithers…are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns! Boo-urns!”
Burns: Are you saying “boo” or “Boo-urns”?
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Hans: I was saying “Boo-urns”…

8. It still sounds better than Applebees

Moe: If you like good food, good fun, and a whole lot of…crazy crap on the walls, then come on down to Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag.
Announcer: At Moe’s, we serve good old-fashioned home cooking deep fried to perfection.
[Moe submerges a whole tray covered with food, utensils,etc., in the deep fryer]
[he takes the fried tray to a couple, who break off pieces and give him the thumbs-up]

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  1. Daniel says:

    What a great list. I’m also a huge fan of the Simpsons (also particularly seasons 5-10) and I wanted to share a few of my favorites (most involve burns). I could go on forever, so I’ll leave it as short as possible:

    Lenny: Dental plan!
    Marge: Lisa needs braces!

    Bart: Allow me to read to you from my play: ‘Kippers for breakfast Aunt Helga! ‘s it St Swivens Day already?’ ”tis!’ replied Aunt Helga.

    Mr.Burns: Use the amnesia ray!
    Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
    Mr.Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you’re finished.

    Burns: You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste

    Burns: Smithers, have the Rolling Stones killed.

    Burns: I thought I’d chauffeur myself this evening.Yes, that’s what I thought. How difficult could it be? I’m sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix.

    Burns: You call this Postum? You call this a tax return? You call this a super computer?

    Burns’ Grandfather: The Japanese!? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?
    Burns: If only we had listened to that young man instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

    Sea Captain: Arh, not a quarter! He’ll be dancin’ for hours!

    Lionel Hutz: Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
    Marge: But it’s 10:30 in the morning.
    Hutz: Yeah, but I haven’t slept in days.

    Scorpio: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
    Homer: Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.
    Scorpio: Don’t call me that. It’s Mr. Scorpio, but don’t call me that either. Call me Hank!

    Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”

    • Olly says:

      Homer: Hello, my name is Mr Burns, I believe you have a letter for me?
      Clerk: OK Mr Burns, what’s your first name?
      Homer: I don’t know.

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  4. Kit says:

    I like the German Canyonero choice

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    Carl : aren’t you guys going to ask me about my hat?
    Lenny: what’s with the hat?
    Carl: oh what…this thing?

  8. Jesse says:

    Moe: Ooooh, ‘garage’ la de dah
    Homer: Why? What do you call it.
    *pause*
    Moe: Car hole.

  9. Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. [paused shot of Homer grows larger] No, Mr. Simpson, don’t take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! Mist — Mr. Simpson — nooo!

  10. Evans says:

    Notice how all these quotes are from before season 8 or so. The Simpsons just aren’t the same any more…

  11. SomeGuy says:

    Some of these are from the same episode. I suspect lazy journalism!

  12. Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back … unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog.

  13. Matt says:

    I’ve just visited about 20 different web pages that mention great Simpsons quotes and I can’t believe I haven’t come accross this one yet:
    Innocent child on stage in front of all the parents: my ding-a-ling my ding-a-ling I want you to play with my ding-a-ling
    Skinner as he yanks the child of the stage: this sketch is over!!

  14. aaronin2d says:

    Moe: You shoulda thought of that before giving me the ol’ sugarmedo.

  15. aaronin2d says:

    Martin: Here’s a tip, put a pinch of sage in your boots and all day long a spicy scent is your reward.

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  18. Stephen says:

    I always loved, “Next on Wings!… eh, who cares?”

  19. Vito says:

    “I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute!”

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