After devoutly watching the Simpson’s for 20 years, I thought I’d share my favorite 25 Simpsons quotes, scenes and other miscellany hiliarity from the history of the show. The majority of the quotes from seasons 5-10, but feel free to add your own in the comments (and perhaps I’ll expand it to 50 if a lot more get added!).
1. Bill Cosby explains ‘the rap music’ and kids, all while including all his favorite corporate sponsors:
Cosby: Hey, kids! Meet Grampa Murphy.
Child: We have three grampas already!
Cosby: This one’s a great jazz musician.
Child: Oh, they all are.
Cosby: Oh, oh: you see, the kids, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage. With their hippin’, and the hoppin’, and the bippin’, and the boppin’, so they don’t know what the jazz…is all about! You see, jazz is like the Jello Pudding Pop — no, actually, it’s more like Kodak film — no, actually, jazz is like the New Coke: it’ll be around forever, heh heh heh.
2. Best Simpsons Quotes: Homer Goes For The Sweet Candy
Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on [cut] her sweet [cut] can. [cut] — o I grab her — [cut] sweet can. [cut] Oh, just thinking about [cut] her [splice] can [cut] I just wish I had he — [cut] sweet [cut] sweet [cut] s-s-sweet [cut] can.
Jones: So, Mr. Simpson: you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?
Homer: [looking lustful in a clearly-paused VCR shot]
Jones: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. [paused shot of Homer grows larger] No, Mr. Simpson, don’t take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! Mist — Mr. Simpson — nooo!
Over-Voice: Dramatization — may not have happened.
3. Kang speaks volumes on American politics
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, 73-year-old candidate, Bob Dole.
Kang: Abortions for all.
Very well, no abortions for anyone.
Hmm… Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.
[crowd cheers and waves miniature flags]
4. Gas, the world’s only unlimited resource.
Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down, It’s the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown!
The Federal Highway commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.
12 yards long, 2 lanes wide, 65 tons of American Pride!
Top of the line in utility sports, unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
She blinds everybody with her super high beams, She’s a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine!
5. Homer doesn’t want to deal with Grimey (heya Strech)
Marge: Homer, why aren’t you at work?
Homer: The car won’t start. I don’t feel very good today. I am at work.
Marge: You’re afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren’t you?
Homer: That’s crazy talk. You’re crazy, Marge. Get off the road!
Marge: You have to face him sometime, and when you do I’m sure he’ll be just as anxious to make up as you are.
Homer: No he won’t, he hates me.
Marge: He doesn’t hate you. He just feels insecure because you’re getting through life so easily, and it’s been so difficult for him.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, that’s his problem, he’s a nut! It’s not about me being lazy, it’s about him being a crazy nut.
Marge: Well … maybe. But I bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, mmm, professional in your work.
Marge: Just a little more. Then he won’t have any reason to resent you.
Homer: I’ll do it! [produces a bottle of Duff] To professionalism!
6. That’s it, I’m going to clown college.
Emcee: And now, to help introduce our fantastic new burger — the one with ketchup — here he is, coming in by parachute: Krusty the Klown!
[sound of Homer yelling, getting rapidly louder] [he smashes through the hamburger display; his parachute floats gently after him]
Homer: “To audience: I now proclaim this new burger…for sale!”
Homer: [sees emcee motioning, laughs like Krusty] [Homer does some inept cartwheels] Oh…save me.
[a midget in a prison outfit and mask walks out]
Child: It’s the Krusty Burglar!
Homer: Ohmigod! He’s stealing all the burglars! Why you little —
[jumps Krusty Burglar, starts pummeling him]
Emcee: Oh, Homer, it — it’s all — it — it’s all j — jus — just an act!
Child: [crying] Stop! Stop, he’s already dead.
Emcee: Er, Krusty the Klown, everybody!
[a few children clap; the rest are too horrified]
7. Quintessential Moleman.
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Burns: Smithers…are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns! Boo-urns!”
Burns: Are you saying “boo” or “Boo-urns”?
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Hans: I was saying “Boo-urns”…
8. It still sounds better than Applebees
Moe: If you like good food, good fun, and a whole lot of…crazy crap on the walls, then come on down to Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag.
Announcer: At Moe’s, we serve good old-fashioned home cooking deep fried to perfection.
[Moe submerges a whole tray covered with food, utensils,etc., in the deep fryer]
[he takes the fried tray to a couple, who break off pieces and give him the thumbs-up]