{"id":136753,"date":"2013-01-16T14:00:47","date_gmt":"2013-01-16T19:00:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=136753"},"modified":"2014-02-24T13:25:39","modified_gmt":"2014-02-24T18:25:39","slug":"best-theories-volume-two","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/01\/16\/best-theories-volume-two\/","title":{"rendered":"The Best Theories On Everything: Volume Two"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Please see The Best Theories On Everything: Volume One <a href=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/01\/09\/best-theories-volume-one\/\">here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cLiking Your Own Facebook\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Liking your own Facebook status is the digital version of high-fiving yourself in public.<\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201c#321 Drinking\u201d Theory:<\/strong> \u201cNever trust a man who doesn&#8217;t drink, he&#8217;s got something to hide.\u201d\u00a0Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. <\/p>\n<p>(Working in Utah has been difficult.)<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/humphrey-1.jpg\" alt=\"Best Theories Humphrey Bogart\" width=\"300\" height=\"191\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-136755\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/humphrey-1.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/humphrey-1-200x127.jpg 200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cLiberal Contradiction\u201d Theory:<\/strong> I believe in a woman\u2019s right to choose. I believe that allowing (mostly) wealthy white old men in Washington to decide what a struggling young woman with a cowardly, deserting boyfriend can do with her body is tragic. <\/p>\n<p>I am against capital punishment. I believe the state should be above the emotional whims of the people in weighing its citizens on the gravest of scales. <\/p>\n<p>In short, I am pro-killing the innocent and against killing the guilty. <\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Interviewing Theories<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cNeither Of You Wants To Be There\u201d Theory:<\/strong> The interviewer doesn\u2019t want to be there, either. To start, talk about the NFL playoffs (if it\u2019s a male), or the Oscars nominees\/family pictures on the bookcase (if it\u2019s a woman). <\/p>\n<p>The longer the small talk goes on, the better the interview. You are passing the \u201cCan I sit next to this guy on a 6 hour flight?\u201d test.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cJust Be Yourself\u201d Theory:<\/strong> \u201cJust be yourself\u201d is the most hackneyed and unhelpful interview tip you can hear. \u201cJust like yourself\u201d is much more helpful.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cWhat\u2019s Your Greatest Weakness\u201d Theory:<\/strong> 87.9% of all answers are some veiled version of \u201cI care too much\u201d.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cBest End Of Interview Question\u201d Theory:<\/strong> \u201cWhat was the best advice you heard when you started here?\u201d <\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cDogs Over Cats\u201d Theory:<\/strong> A dog greets you with the same unbridled joy and enthusiasm after a three-hour trip to the movies as it would following a three-month tour.<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"800\" height=\"600\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/ysKAVyXi0J4?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cFighting Hypotheticals Are Always Underrated\u201d Theory:<\/strong> <\/p>\n<p>-Could a highly-trained ninja slay an enraged (but stubby armed) tyrannosaurus rex? <\/p>\n<p>-Could you\u2014with 3 months of training\u2014fend off an enraged Serena Williams?<\/p>\n<p><!--nextpage--><\/p>\n<p><strong>More Sports Theories<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cBelieving In Sports\u201d Theory:<\/strong> If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Unless it is Adrian Peterson. <\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/adrian-peterson.jpg\" alt=\"Best Theories On Everything Adrian Peterson\" width=\"560\" height=\"569\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-136756\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/adrian-peterson.jpg 560w, https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/adrian-peterson-196x200.jpg 196w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 560px) 100vw, 560px\" \/><\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cMost Important Football Stat No One Talks About\u201d Theory:<\/strong> How long the defense is on the field. <\/p>\n<p>Long grind-\u2018em-out five-minute drives in the first quarter exact a menacing toll by the fourth quarter. Lumbering defensive linemen do not get the energy back. <\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cHomerun Record\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Roger Maris\u2019 61 home runs is still the single-season record. Hank Aaron\u2019s 754 home runs is still the career record. <\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Red State Versus Blue State Theories<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cCoastlines Have A Liberal Bias\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Coastlines bring ports. Ports bring trade and immigrants. Immigrants bring diverse culture and fresh ideas. Diverse culture and fresh ideas don\u2019t tend to bring more conservative thought.<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/red-state-blue-state-map.bmp\" alt=\"Best Theories Red State Blue State Map\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-136757\" \/><\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cWhy Landlocked States Tend To Be Red\u201d Theory:<\/strong> <\/p>\n<p>Transport over land (trucking, railroads) tends to be more expensive than transport over water (shipping). Inland states are, therefore, more expensive to supply and\u2014barring natural resource abundance\u2014tend to be less economically developed and more rural. More rural areas tend to be more suspicious of government involvement, albeit not massive farm subsidies.<\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The &#8220;Selecting Politicians&#8221; Theory:<\/strong> Plans and amendments will always change with back-door wheeling and dealing. Pick the politician\u2019s personality, not their policies. <\/p>\n<p>So beware of politicians with no apparent core principles, i.e. flip-floppers (John Kerry, Mitt Romney).<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201c3 Reasons Why Congress Is So Broken\u201d Theory:<\/strong> 1) Gerrymandered districts keep incumbents in power more than ever before. 2) Party primaries sniff out the more center-of-the-road moderates with milquetoast headline sound-bytes in favor of the rabble rousing firebrands who make them. 3) Unprecedented Super PACs and Citizens United millions mean political candidates are more beholden to the interests of their backers than ever. <\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cDanger Of Ideology\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Ideology is how you want your reality to be. <\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cHaving Enemies\u201d Theory:<\/strong> \u201cYou have enemies? Good. That means you\u2019ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.\u201d \u2013Winston Churchill<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cMost Quotable Figure Ever\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Winston Churchill<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/winston-churchill-quotes.jpg\" alt=\"Best Theories Winston Churchill\" width=\"560\" height=\"384\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-136758\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/winston-churchill-quotes.jpg 560w, https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/winston-churchill-quotes-200x137.jpg 200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 560px) 100vw, 560px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cArt\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Ars est celare artem. (The art is to hide the art.)<\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cHow You Know You Are Fluent In Another Language\u201d Theory:<\/strong> When you dream in the other language.<\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cMeeting The One\u201d Theory:<\/strong> You (probably) aren\u2019t going to meet the love of your life in a bar. <\/p>\n<p><!--nextpage--><\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cHow To Beam Like The Sun\u201d Theory:<\/strong> As Told By Comedian &amp; Micro-Quantum Physics Expert Russell Brand<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"800\" height=\"450\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/Cj25Pv-h-r0?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cEnd of Month Quota\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Buy appliances, cars, etc. at the end of months when quota-pressed sales guys will lower prices. <\/p>\n<p>But beware of speeding to and from the store, where quota-pressed cops lurk as well.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/speeding-ticket.jpg\" alt=\"Best Theories Speeding\" width=\"560\" height=\"372\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-136759\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/speeding-ticket.jpg 560w, https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/speeding-ticket-200x132.jpg 200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 560px) 100vw, 560px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cSpotting Economic Bubbles Theory\u201d:<\/strong> In 1929, JFK\u2019s father Joe Kennedy had his shoes shined by an ambitious youngster. The kid rattled off his list of stock tips. Joe Kennedy promptly tipped the boy, thanked him for the lustrous shine, high-tailed it back to his office, and sold everything. If even the shoe-shiner had money in the market, Joe Kennedy figured, it was time to bail.<\/p>\n<p>In the mid-2000s, pizza delivery boys became real estate brokers.  <\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201c(Way Too Early) Future Parenting\u201d Theory:<\/strong> The most important lesson is to teach your child it\u2019s OK to fail. And to fail again. Just so long as s\/he tries.<\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cGetting Mad\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Never let them see you get mad. Only let them see you get better. <\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cLines\u201d Theory:<\/strong> The shortest line is never by the main entrance. <\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><strong>The \u201cTeach Me How To Dougie\u201d Theory:<\/strong> As Told By Kate Upton<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"800\" height=\"600\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/tMpQgDbqz6U?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p>Please check back for The Best Theories On Everything, Volume III.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Please see The Best Theories On Everything: Volume One here. The \u201cLiking Your Own Facebook\u201d Theory: Liking your own Facebook status is the digital version of high-fiving yourself in public. * * * The \u201c#321 Drinking\u201d Theory: \u201cNever trust a man who doesn&#8217;t drink, he&#8217;s got something to hide.\u201d\u00a0Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. (Working in Utah [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":549,"featured_media":136760,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[259],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Best Theories On Everything: Volume Two - Prose Before Hos<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Please see The Best Theories On Everything: Volume One here. 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