{"id":139080,"date":"2013-04-24T12:00:07","date_gmt":"2013-04-24T16:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=139080"},"modified":"2013-04-25T11:17:52","modified_gmt":"2013-04-25T15:17:52","slug":"mormon-diaries-part-five","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/","title":{"rendered":"The Mormon Diaries, Part Five: Beer And Boozing In Provo, Utah"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

The Mormon bartender is scared. <\/p>\n

Picture the hang-dog faced cast of Napoleon Dynamite. Try to remember the frumpier extras in the back. Now try to imagine the pudgier ones who didn\u2019t make final cut. And you have the scared Mormon bartender. <\/p>\n

He doesn\u2019t have the cast\u2019s awkward, goofy charm. He has a mullet, a gift for awkward silences, a name tag that reads Tyler. So he wasn\u2019t in Napoleon Dynamite. He is the scared Mormon bartender at Outback Steakhouse. <\/p>\n

Tyler doesn\u2019t know much about alcohol. But he doesn\u2019t have the social grace for reception up front, either. So management sticks him in the back. At the bar. With less lighting and, this being Provo, Utah, with few to no drinking customers. <\/p>\n

Except tonight. Tonight I am hosting a senior sales manager from France. <\/p>\n

And the Mormon bartender is scared. <\/p>\n


\n

<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/h2>\n

<\/center><\/p>\n

My unofficial job title is Designated Drinker. <\/p>\n

Every time a universally-branded client or regionally-confused co-worker flies in, I get the call. It\u2019s not that I\u2019m particularly interesting or charismatic. It\u2019s that I win by default. I\u2019m a non-Mormon stationed in the backwater Mormon outpost of a global tech titan. And somebody has to drink with the out-of-towners.<\/p>\n

The Mormon bosses call it \u201cnetworking\u201d. In theory, I regale the guest with tales of my employer\u2019s prestige, world-class support ecosystem and show them that there is more than meets the eye in Utah. <\/p>\n

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

In practice, we drink, banter about LeBron James\u2019 legacy, somehow segue-way to the seven-figure deal on the table, s\/he stumbles back to the Marriott, and we trade covert but knowing hung-over grimaces at the 9 AM sales meeting the next morning. <\/p>\n

I take them to the most exquisite of culinary choices in Provo, Utah: Outback Steakhouse or P.F. Changs. The blooming onion or Kung Pao chicken combo\u2014the pantheon of Provo, Utah fine-dining. <\/p>\n

Tonight\u2019s \u201cnetworking\u201d is with Tafik, a curious senior sales manager of Algerian descent from the Paris office. <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is ze gourmet Mormon dinner?\u201d he asks. Bold. Inspired. Braced for an adventure in Mormon culture and a buzz.<\/p>\n

And I\u2019m the buzz kill. \u201cIt\u2019s Manti Te\u2019o\u2019s girlfriend.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cVat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Manti Te\u2019o\u2019s girlfriend. It doesn\u2019t exist. We\u2019re going to Outback Steakhouse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/h2>\n

<\/center><\/p>\n

The shortest books ever written: The Amish Phone Book. French Hospitality. Mike Tyson\u2019s Husband Tips. Sylvester Stallone’s Dramatic Acting Tips. The Wisdom Of Sarah Palin. Mormon Gourmet Cuisine. <\/p>\n

Utah dining serves up the weakest of culinary leagues. In 18 months of empirical study of the Mormons in their natural habitat, I have observed that the Mormon diet is akin to that of a 14-year-old white American boy. <\/p>\n

Lunches and dinners of hot dogs or chicken sandwiches. Desserts of Jell-o, chocolate chip cookies, Skittles, or Farr\u2019s Yogurt. Or, even better, chocolate chip cookies and Skittles on Farr\u2019s Yogurt. All washed down by chocolate milk. Always chocolate milk. <\/p>\n

Mormon food would, perhaps, best be described as mass produced and durable. Adjectives ideal, perhaps, for Utah\u2019s ubiquitous Dodge Ram 150, but not for a state\u2019s local dishes. Mormon food is built for fuel not taste, dating back to the faith\u2019s pioneers. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

The year was 1847. An Illinois mob had gunned down church founder Joseph Smith for repeatedly proposing to the locals\u2019 wives (Ostling & Ostling (1999, p.\u00a014);\u00a0Brodie (1971, pp.\u00a0369\u2013371). Now the locals hunted Joseph Smith\u2019s followers for torching the town printing press after it published newspapers critical of Joseph Smith\u2019s polygamy practices. <\/p>\n

And so, Brigham Young and the early Mormons took flight. They packed up their wagons, piled high with salted meats and hearty grains, and fled West. <\/p>\n

The settlers fanned out in search of the \u201cPromised Land\u201d, a utopia of verdant pastures; a bucolic sanctuary where they could practice polygamy in peace. <\/p>\n

Brigham Young and the settlers did not find this paradise. They found a barren but picturesque expanse of sun-streaked canyons and sun-cracked desert sands. Valleys of bone-chilling winters and scorching summers where even the lakes were salt. An inhabitable land no one would want to inhabit. An unwanted land for a wanted people. The Great Salt Lake Valley, in short, was perfect.<\/p>\n

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

And so it was on June 27, 1847\u2014now dubbed Pioneer Day\u2014Brigham Young decreed the Mormons would flee no more. They would plant potatoes, turnips, unpack their salted meats and irrigate their \u201cPromised Land\u201d.<\/p>\n

The Mormons dug in, but they never buried their rough-and-tumble cultural heritage and diet. The LDS Church\u2019s Essentials of Home Production and Storage manual instructs Mormons to store at least a year of food supplies. Back then, a hearty cornucopia of salted meats, potatoes, and wholesome grains. <\/p>\n

But, today, in the age of Wal-Mart, a corrugated cornucopia of Campbell\u2019s-stamped canned goods, powdered milk jars, Jell-O and Hamburger Helper boxes are stacked high in deep pantries. <\/p>\n

Easy to serve and easier to clean for perpetually on-the-go Mormon mothers ladling out Jell-o while juggling four kids, PTA duties, church, volunteer work, and whatever else the Mormon father wants. After all, the Mormon \u201cwoman’s primary place is in the home, where she is to rear children and abide by the righteous counsel of her husband\u201d. <\/p>\n

And so, the rapid-fire, conveyer-belted mass-produced goods of the Kraft factory are permanent food staples of the Mormon household. So yes, Mormon food makes for the blandest of Pinterest food pages:<\/p>\n

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

Funereal Potatoes<\/a>:<\/strong> Funereal potatoes are densely caloric, dairy-heavy Mormon comfort food. Originally served following somber occasions, funereal potatoes are now served whenever, wherever. A casserole of shredded cooked frozen potatoes, canned cream of chicken soup, and sour cream, topped with crumbled cornflakes and baked until molten. Fruits or vegetables need not apply.<\/p>\n

Ingredients:<\/em><\/p>\n

6 c. diced potatoes
\n1 can (10 3\/4 oz.) condensed cream of chicken soup
\n1\/2 stick butter, melted
\n1\/2 c. milk
\n1 c. sour cream or plain Greek yogurt
\n2 c. grated cheddar cheese, or use a mix of cheddar and gruyere
\nSalt and pepper to taste
\n3\/4 c. crushed cornflakes or panko bread crumbs (optional for crumb topping)
\nAdditional 2 T. butter (optional for crumb topping)<\/p>\n

Chocolate Milk:<\/strong> Chocolate is technically caffeinated and, therefore, taboo according to the LDS\u2019 Word of Wisdom<\/a>. But Mormons pick and choose their taboos. Mormon singer Marie Osmond hailed chocolate as \u201cMormon medication.\u201d <\/p>\n

Chocolate milk, then, is the Mormon panacea. The Mormon male is most content while two to three chocolate milks deep and reflecting on how to cut the lines at Disney World. (Secret: Mormon wife waits in line for next ride with baby as Fast Pass-wielding father and other children riding Thunder Mountain. And repeat.) <\/p>\n

Mitt Romney consoled himself<\/a> in the days after his 2012 loss by drowning his sorrows in chocolate milk with his family. <\/p>\n

Before riding Splash Mountain with his 40-and 30-something adult sons at Disneyland.<\/p>\n

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

Decaffeinated Coffee:<\/strong> Inconclusive, but probably approved. Once upon a time, in the Holy Year of 1988, when George Michael\u2019s \u201cFaith\u201d lorded over the billboards<\/a>, the LDS Church decreed decaf coffee did lead to heightened risk of ulcers. But the church did not outright forbid decaf coffee. <\/p>\n

Church bishops were instructed not to deny decaf coffee-drinking church members entry. Apostle John Widtsoe advised churchgoers drinking decaffeinated drinks does not violate the Word of Wisdom.<\/p>\n

Fry Sauce:<\/strong> A modern marvel Mormon culinary ingenuity. Equal parts ketchup. Equal parts mayonnaise. <\/p>\n

Every Friday night, BYU students swarm Arctic Circle, Five Guys, and Provo\u2019s other neon-lighted burger chains to drag fries through fry sauce, recount tales from their Missions, and laugh for maybe a little too hard for a little long at CBS sit-com promos. <\/p>\n

Jell-O:<\/strong> Interesting Facts About Utah: Utah leads the nation in anti-depressant per capita consumption<\/a>. Utah also leads the nation in Jell-O per capita consumption. Upon toppling Iowa for this most distinguished of state honors in 2001, Utah offered Bill Cosby honorary state citizenship.<\/p>\n

Bill Cosby did not return comment, perhaps because Utah\u2019s African American population stands at 1.3%<\/a>. Half of which may be the Utah Jazz starting five–or even less than the Native American population: 1.5%. (Or compared to a white population of 92%.) <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u201cVere are ze black people?\u201d Tafik scans Provo\u2019s Main Street. <\/p>\n

\u201cVere is ze rap?\u201d Tafik scans Provo\u2019s radio stations. <\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Mac Starter Kits. Perfect for the LDS Missionary!\u201d the joyous pitchman shells, \u201cOne Luca Rossi suit coat with two matching slacks, one waterproof Rockport walking show, four wrinkle-free shirts, three stain resistant polyester ties. For a one-time price of $395. But wait, there\u2019s more, call now and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPutain!\u201d Tafik curses, I think, at his Toyota Camry rental car radio.<\/p>\n

\u201c92.5. But I have to warn you\u2014\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cI \u2014\u2013 on top \u2014\u2013 like it\u2019s hot\/?And when I\u2019m on \u2014\u2013 bottom she \u2014\u2013 red \u2014\u2013\/?The middle of the bed \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013 and \u2014\u2014 and gettin \u2014\u2014.\u201d <\/p>\n

Lil Wayne urrrrs, I think, Wayne prepositions and pronouns, Lil Wayne long staticky censored bursts, and more Lil Wayne urrrrrs, prepositions, and pronouns.<\/p>\n

\u201cPutain!\u201d Tafik slams the radio nob off. And scans the Provo skyline. Or tries to. <\/p>\n

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

Picture Jerusalem, Rome, Mecca. The magnificent sepulchred and domed sacred cities of the world\u2019s great religions.<\/p>\n

Now picture Provo, Utah. The steepled and Applebee\u2019s-ed sacred city of the world\u2019s quirkiest. <\/p>\n

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

Billowing used car dealership blowups of white guys in white shirts and black ties flutter atop Missionary clothing storefronts. Soul-patched white men in army camo hats and rusted pickup trucks screech out of free-pistols-for-$15-purchases gun shops.<\/p>\n

Dad\u2019s dented Ford F-150s and Mom\u2019s Crayola-crayoned Toyota Sienna minivans parked bumper to bumper festooned with Brigham Young University blue and white decals and the faded-but-still-prominent bumper sticker du jour:<\/p>\n

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

North Provo is a quixotic blend of faith, family, and sawed-off shotguns. A dreary slab of Strip Mall Americana with ubiquitous \u201cNo Skateboarding\u201d signs, foreboding white steeples, weather-beaten gun stores, Papa Johns, \u201cbuy-2-games-get-1-free\u201d bowling alleys, more foreboding white steeples, and, finally, Outback Steakhouse.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/h2>\n

<\/center><\/p>\n

Mystique isn\u2019t a thing in Provo. It\u2019s not an aura, either. Mystique is a cute, gum-smacking brunette who works reception Thursdays at Outback Steakhouse. <\/p>\n

And Mystique is ignoring us. Tafik\u2019s Parisian sophistication is no match for the brusqueness of an iFaced girl with an hour left on her night shift.<\/p>\n

\u201cBar\u2019s in the back,\u201d Mystique rolls her eyes back to Tyler. <\/p>\n

Tyler\u2019s eyes grow wide. He had one hour to go with no customers. He winces. He pretends to busy himself by wiping the unused bar top. <\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026hey,\u201d Tyler starts. \u201cOh yeah, uh, do you intend to order food?\u201d<\/p>\n

We have to. In the state of Utah, you must order food at a restaurant to order a drink. It doesn\u2019t matter if you\u2019re not driving. \u201cDo you intend to order food?\u201d is essentially the reading the Miranda rights of drinking in Utah. <\/p>\n

Savvier restaurants sell Chips & A Dip. Invariably a 99 cent bowl of nachos (two) and salsa. Savvier bar tenders shrug the Draconian drinking laws off as, \u201cI know. It\u2019s retarded. It\u2019s a Utah thing\u201d. But The Provo Outback Steakhouse is not one of the savvier restaurants. And Tyler is not one of the savvier bar tenders.<\/p>\n

He ducks behind a frosted glass wall with Tafik\u2019s Blooming Onion order and Chardonnay. Pokes back up. Remembers he forgot to ask my order.<\/p>\n

\u201cA Jack and Coke, please.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026 J-Jack and Coke,\u201d Tyler stammers. \u201cYou sure? Uh\u2026 Ok\u2026 Jack and Coke. Uh, I\u2019ll be back in ten minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ten minutes seems excessive for a simple enough drink. But I am \u201cnetworking\u201d. I want to be affable. And, truthfully, we don\u2019t have a choice. This is Provo, Utah. There are no other choices. <\/p>\n

\u201cVhy does ze sissy boy go hide?\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cHe has to go behind Zion\u2019s curtain. It\u2019s a lame Utah thing.\u201d Mystique is one of the savvier bar tenders. She\u2019s not interested, but some sassy French-sounding guy is more interesting than the wailing baby upfront.<\/p>\n

Zion\u2019s curtain is a pane of frosted glass meant to obscure the bar tender from the patron and discourage excessive orders. Governor Jon Huntsman lobbied to lower Zion\u2019s curtain in 2009, but the motion has since stalled in Utah state senate. <\/p>\n

It is illegal to pour alcohol in front of patrons in the state of Utah. So what unfolds is a bar Peek-A-Boo of sorts. The bartender places the order, pours it out of sight, and returns. <\/p>\n

\u201cBut vhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s some dumb church thing,\u201d iFaced Mystique rolls her eyes. \u201cI don\u2019t get it either. Or the clicker thing.\u201d <\/p>\n

The clicker thing is the white plasticky meter Utah bars and restaurants must attach to their liquor bottles that dispense exactly 1.5 ounces. Bartenders must tally each and every click in bar journals and ensure the checks add up at the end of the night. <\/p>\n

\"Mormons<\/p>\n

The Mormon bartender is scared. He slinks back from behind Zion\u2019s curtain with an old-fashioned glass bottle of Coke and some heavy-set, swarthy guy. By the looks of how quickly Mystique bolts back to the front, it\u2019s the manager. <\/p>\n

His name tag reads Jack. <\/p>\n

And the Mormon bartender is scared. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/h2>\n

<\/center><\/p>\n

Check out more Mormon Diaries here<\/a> and here<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Mormon bartender is scared. Picture the hang-dog faced cast of Napoleon Dynamite. Try to remember the frumpier extras in the back. Now try to imagine the pudgier ones who didn\u2019t make final cut. And you have the scared Mormon bartender. He doesn\u2019t have the cast\u2019s awkward, goofy charm. He has a mullet, a gift […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":549,"featured_media":139093,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[259],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe Mormon Diaries, Part Five: Beer And Boozing In Provo, Utah<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Part five of the Mormon Diary series is finally here!\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/\" \/>\n<link rel=\"next\" href=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/2\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Mormon Diaries, Part Five: Beer And Boozing In Provo, Utah\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Part five of the Mormon Diary series is finally here!\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Prose Before Hos\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-04-24T16:00:07+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-04-25T15:17:52+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/04\/038.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"480\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"360\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Cultural Correspondent\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@pbhnetwork\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@pbhnetwork\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Cultural Correspondent\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"11 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/\",\"name\":\"The Mormon Diaries, Part Five: Beer And Boozing In Provo, Utah\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2013-04-24T16:00:07+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-04-25T15:17:52+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#\/schema\/person\/024cb7f5b243d60e40a4467b39e97ec4\"},\"description\":\"Part five of the Mormon Diary series is finally here!\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/\",\"name\":\"Prose Before Hos\",\"description\":\"The Far Side Of Politics\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#\/schema\/person\/024cb7f5b243d60e40a4467b39e97ec4\",\"name\":\"Cultural Correspondent\",\"sameAs\":[\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/pbhnetwork\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/author\/cultural-correspondent\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"The Mormon Diaries, Part Five: Beer And Boozing In Provo, Utah","description":"Part five of the Mormon Diary series is finally here!","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/","next":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/2\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"The Mormon Diaries, Part Five: Beer And Boozing In Provo, Utah","og_description":"Part five of the Mormon Diary series is finally here!","og_url":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/","og_site_name":"Prose Before Hos","article_published_time":"2013-04-24T16:00:07+00:00","article_modified_time":"2013-04-25T15:17:52+00:00","og_image":[{"width":480,"height":360,"url":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/04\/038.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Cultural Correspondent","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@pbhnetwork","twitter_site":"@pbhnetwork","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Cultural Correspondent","Est. reading time":"11 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/","url":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/","name":"The Mormon Diaries, Part Five: Beer And Boozing In Provo, Utah","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#website"},"datePublished":"2013-04-24T16:00:07+00:00","dateModified":"2013-04-25T15:17:52+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#\/schema\/person\/024cb7f5b243d60e40a4467b39e97ec4"},"description":"Part five of the Mormon Diary series is finally here!","inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/04\/24\/mormon-diaries-part-five\/"]}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/","name":"Prose Before Hos","description":"The Far Side Of Politics","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/#\/schema\/person\/024cb7f5b243d60e40a4467b39e97ec4","name":"Cultural Correspondent","sameAs":["https:\/\/twitter.com\/pbhnetwork"],"url":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/author\/cultural-correspondent\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/139080"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/549"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=139080"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/139080\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":139184,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/139080\/revisions\/139184"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/139093"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=139080"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=139080"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=139080"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}