{"id":5698,"date":"2010-09-13T05:22:31","date_gmt":"2010-09-13T09:22:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=5698"},"modified":"2013-11-13T16:17:58","modified_gmt":"2013-11-13T21:17:58","slug":"rip-the-american-manly-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/anonymous_banker\/09\/13\/rip-the-american-manly-man\/","title":{"rendered":"RIP: The American Manly Man (1776-2010)"},"content":{"rendered":"

The American Manly Man, known the world over for centuries of bravado and gritty ingenuity, passed away during the Sunday evening season finale of HBO\u2019s \u201cTrue Blood\u201d. He was 234.<\/p>\n

His death was confirmed by American pop culture. The cause of death is still under investigation, and the U.S. Department of Health is awaiting the results of toxicology testing. Girls\u2019 obsession with vampires, Justin Bieber, and the Snuggie are believed to be preliminary suspects.<\/p>\n

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The death of the American Manly Man was not wholly unexpected. On the contrary, he had been in declining health since the bell-bottom Disco Seventies, and his condition further deteriorated during the Back Street Boys – N\u2019Sync Boy Band days of the late 1990s. He suffered two more setbacks when 1) Adriana Lima wed Marko Juric, a guy averaging 2.6 points a night off the bench for the Memphis Grizzlies, and 2) Megan Fox married the guy from \u201c90210\u201d this June.<\/p>\n

\"Megan<\/p>\n

Future historians will note the American Manly Man found himself embattled from all sides, circa 2010. Economically, the U.S. male unemployment rate remained perniciously high during the lingering Great Recession. Men lost 75% of the eight million total jobs. Politically, Arnold Schwarzenegger felled T-1000 robots, predators, and even married a Kennedy. Yet the Terminator finally met his match in California\u2019s deficit. FOX News\u2019 political pundit Glenn Beck\u2014or, as he would have you believe, our generation\u2019s Martin Luther King Jr.\u2014cried away over half of his audience.<\/p>\n

Academically, there were 3 female Bachelor of Arts graduates for every 2 male grads<\/a>. No wonder Time Magazine ran an issue every few years asking: do women even need men anymore? Then there\u2019s David Beckham and other sarong-wearing global celebrities who brought Metrosexuality into vogue. Robert Pattinson and the blockbuster \u201cTwilight\u201d franchise did not help matters. Man even ambushed fellow man during the Summer of 2010 with the unfortunate Bros Icing Bros viral phenomenon<\/a>. <\/p>\n

I must confess I have not been spared from the girly contagion. 1) I usually run to Lady Gaga. (She just gets me.) And 2) I went to see \u201cEat Pray Love\u201d by choice. I must also confess: I kind of liked it. One of my favorite bros can\u2019t wait for the next season of \u201cGossip Girl.\u201d And my brother went to NYU. But in our defense, this is an age when even the great Tom Brady rocks a Justin Bieber side-sweep haircut.<\/p>\n

Indeed, American professional sports have been especially afflicted by the sissy plague. The decade\u2019s most dominating American athletes thrashed the competition racing in spandex (Lance Armstrong) and speedos (Michael Phelps). Once-menacing Pro Bowl defensive ends Warren Sapp and Jason Taylor were seen frolicking on ABC\u2019s \u201cDancing With The Stars.\u201d America\u2019s top boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. has ducked a fight with an undersized, though speedy Manny Pacquiao for over a year and was recently booked on grand larceny charges for allegedly stealing an iPhone. In basketball, gone is the raw Jordanian anger from today\u2019s prodigies. Unlike Mike, LeBron James couldn\u2019t beat his fellow NBA superstars, so he joined them. This century\u2019s greatest point guard is Canadian (Steve Nash). In baseball, our previously revered sluggers tearfully confessed their records and biceps were the result of performance-enhancing drugs, not natural ability and hard work. The game\u2019s most fearsome masher (Alex Rodriguez) took steroids for three years and poses for photo-shoots like these:<\/p>\n

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Sadly, ARoid\u2019s narcissistic tabloid preening fit right in with America\u2019s effeminate entertainment culture. Don Draper, the most admired TV man today, hails from the 1960s. And even he is an emotional wreck this season. \u201cAmerican Idol\u201d has been the highest rated show every year since 2004. Half of the Jersey Shore boys have hooked up with Snooki. And the most anticipated Fall show is Stupid $#*I My Dad Says. CBS will inevitably ruin it, but the show\u2019s premise is a boomerang twenty-something who couldn\u2019t find work so he moved back home and tweeted his dad\u2019s misanthropic ramblings<\/a>.<\/p>\n

On Unexpected Financial Windfalls: \u201cSometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later that it’s because it f—— you.\u201d <\/p>\n

On Hair Loss: \u201cRemember how you used to make fun of me for being bald? \u2026 No, I’m not gonna make a joke. I’ll let your mirror do that.\u201d<\/p>\n

On Modern Technology: \u201cSon, no one gives a s— about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Today\u2019s action heroes have been similarly impacted by our cultural impotence. The swaggering Prince of Persia was played by a white guy (Jake Gyllenhaal) faking an English accent. And James Bond\u2014the hero women want and men want to be\u2014was finally slain. Not by Dr. No or Goldfinger, but MGM\u2019s moribund finances<\/a>. 24\u2019s Jack Bauer clocked out this Spring, and Kiefer Sutherland is not coping well. Sutherland was spotted drunk and shirtless, giggling to himself in a London gutter this April<\/a>. He was later seen trying to take down pictures in a New York City hotel (again shirtless) this June. <\/p>\n

*******<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

The World\u2019s Manliest Men<\/strong><\/p>\n

But fear not, my fellow emasculated brethren. Here are 5 manly American men who can help us rediscover our mojo (plus, one very cold Russian teenager):<\/p>\n

American\u2019s Manliest Man: Gary Faulkner<\/strong><\/p>\n

The sixth time America\u2019s Manliest Man tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. His hang-glider nose-dived and dragged him across jagged rocks. He broke his shoulder and several ribs. Gary tried it again the following year (Attempt #7) a little closer to the water this time. He tore up his shins skidding across the beach and just ditched the glider right there. <\/p>\n

To be fair, Gary Faulkner is making progress. The first time he tried to find Osama he bought a boat\u2014even though he had never sailed before\u2014and set out from San Diego harbor without a lifejacket, flares, or food. His plan was to just head West until he hit land and eventually Pakistan. A hurricane had other plans, however, and lashed Faulkner\u2019s boat against the Baja peninsula within days. <\/p>\n

Gary Faulkner is our Don Quixote. He\u2019s a 50-year old ex-con with failing kidneys who is probably certifiably insane. Faulkner knows bin Laden has a similar kidney ailment, so he plans to hook himself into Osama\u2019s dialysis machine upon discovery and then escort the villain to Pakistan security forces. Armed with a sword he bought on the Home Shopping Network and an $8 pawnshop knife, he has tried to capture Osama Bin Laden eleven times. He\u2019s been foiled by everything from the Pacific (Attempts #1 & 2) to earthquakes (Attempt #4) to the laws of gravity (Attempts #6 &7) to custom agents (Attempt #8) to the uber-manly not-asking-for-directions (Attempts #9, 10, and 11), yet Faulkner perseveres. He made global news this June when he was arrested for traversing the Pakistan hinterlands by foot (Attempt #11). And he is plotting Attempt #12 for sometime next summer. <\/p>\n

2. The American Soldier:<\/strong> America\u2019s bravest men and women have been waging the longest (Afghanistan) and 3rd longest (Iraq) wars in our nation\u2019s history. They fight against a borderless enemy of unprecedented barbarity and cowardice. In an age without The Draft, they selflessly volunteer to fight to keep safe a government and an American public that nearly doesn\u2019t deserve them. (3\/3 Americans support the troops, but 2\/3 of Americans cannot find Iraq or Afghanistan on a world map.)<\/p>\n

Put simply, American servicemen and women are so manly they can cover Lady Gaga in Iraqi war zones:<\/p>\n