Jonathan Franzen embraces the ordinary nuclear family to encapsulate the postmodern American experience. Tom Wolfe has satirized American machoism from Wall Street boardrooms to college quads since co-founding the New Journalism movement in the 1960s. And neither author has anything to worry about from Mike \u201cThe Situation\u201d Sorrentino who swears his abs wrote his eloquently entitled first chapter \u201cGym\u201d.<\/p>\n
The Situation wrote the remaining eleven chapters of \u201cHere\u2019s The Situation\u201d with Chris Mills. This is to say The Situation crunched sit-ups while Mills penned the polysyllabic words (and the tricky monosyllabic ones as well). \u201cHere\u2019s The Situation\u201d weighs in at a voluminous 144 pages\u2014all in large font, half with cartoons. The book also comes with a free, very tight Gym, Tan & Laundry t-shirt.<\/p>\n
\u201cHere\u2019s The Situation\u201d offers a how-to guide to navigating the clubs, gyms, and tanning salons as a guido. It includes helpful charts (e.g. The Classes of Girls) and diagrams (Inside The Brain Of A Grenade: Jealousy, My Cat(s), Muffin Top Maintenance, Diet Coke, Blocking Out The Fact That I\u2019m The Grenade).<\/p>\n
The book is part mea culpa. The Situation admits he was not born in Jersey but Staten Island. It\u2019s even vaguely political. He is launching his own political action committee\u2014Sitizens for Situational Government\u2014after a July 2010 10% federal tax on indoor tanning beds raised his annual tanning costs to over $2,000. The colloquial, profanity-laced prose reads as the stream of conscious ramblings of a meat-head suffering from delusions of grandeur. Columbia Journalism School professors could not be reached for comment.<\/p>\n
You know those Axe commercials where the guy is in a grocery store or on a beach and he\u2019s stampeded by a hoard of beautiful women? \u201cHere\u2019s The Situation\u201d would have you believe this a typical Tuesday night for him. There was the time he strutted into a Detroit club and all the girls started shouting \u201cD-T-F!\u201d (Down To F—!). Or another late-night, when The Situation was in a hotel room with nine girls. He realized this was too many for even him to handle so he had the ladies self-select down to six.<\/p>\n
I want to believe him. But this is the same man who has hooked up with Snooki (repeatedly) and regularly strikes out on camera. Ironically, The Situation\u2019s astronomical rise in pop-culture coincides with his fall on The Jersey Shore show itself. Vinny\u2014long The Situation\u2019s apprentice\u2014overtook his mentor by the tail end of Season 2. The Situation smacked Snooki in the face and routinely ruined Pauly D\u2019s nights. Meanwhile, Vinny dated the loveliest lady of all and emerged as the rock of the however dysfunctional Jersey Shore house (Snooki: \u201c[Vinny]’s like my big brother, I love him, but usually you don’t have sex with your big brother.\u201d)<\/p>\n
*******<\/b><\/center><\/p>\nSome pundits have whispered The Situation has the makings of a 21st Century Arnold Schwarzenegger. A tanned body-builder of European descent who parlayed his muscles and distinct speaking style into an acting career and later politics. These people have evidently been watching the Jersey Shore more than I have.<\/p>\n
The Situation will not marry a Kennedy or become governor of California. The Situation will serve as a cringing reminder\u2014like the Snuggie or KFC Double Down\u2014of America\u2019s odd creature comforts in odder times. Mike Sorrentino will be the tanned totem of hyper-sensationalized mediocrity of the early 2010s. A reality star who rode shameless self-promotion, no standards, and abs to achieve fleeting pop-cultural relevance. After The Jersey Shore fizzles out, he is destined to a few comedy flicks before fading away to a career of knowing winks for the camera at celebrity golf tournaments.<\/p>\n
The Situation doesn\u2019t know much, but \u201cHere\u2019s The Situation\u201d is the literary realization of this. Between the forced ab jokes, it reads as the desperate rantings of a C-lister clinging to the last trappings of 15 minutes of fame. It\u2019s clear The Situation doesn\u2019t believe in over-exposure\u2014UV rays or brand promotion. He is developing a Fist-Pump 3000 Trainer exercise machine (currently in the R&D phase with Pauly D), The Situation cologne (coming next year), a workout DVD, and even a rap song. It\u2019s why The Situation will pocket $5 million this year and $10 million in 2011 (http:\/\/perezhilton.com\/2010-08-23-the-situation-to-make-5-million-this-year).<\/p>\n
Like the Jersey Shore itself, \u201cHere\u2019s The Situation\u201d is entertaining fluff that may make your parents sigh. Yes, The Situation tries too hard to be funny. He fabricates a quote by Winston Churchill (\u201cWe shall creep in the gym and at the tanning salon.\u201d) But he somewhat redeems himself with absurd homespun wisdom to explain the Tao of GTL:<\/p>\n
On Religion:<\/strong> \u201cThe Creeper’s Prayer: God grant me the stamina to satisfy hot chicks\/the courage to deny grenades\/and the wisdom to know the difference.\u201d<\/p>\nOn Women:<\/strong> \u201cNow, chicks may object that bros simply look at them as creeping targets. But chicks like being crept on. Sure, they\u2019ll tell you that they go to clubs simply to dance and have fun with friends. But take it from the Sitch, single people are at the club for one reason and one reason only: to not be single anymore. Even if it\u2019s just for that night. So I creep.\u201d <\/p>\nOn Skin-Care:<\/strong> \u201cIf you\u2019re a p—- who\u2019s afraid of skin cancer, your only options are spray tanning and bronzers.\u201d<\/p>\nOn Higher-Education:<\/strong> \u201cThere ain\u2019t no creeping like college-chick creeping.\u201d<\/p>\nOn Public Transportation:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s for Communists.\u201d<\/p>\nOn Civility:<\/strong> \u201cA common mistake guys make is in treating a girl-any girl-like gold. It\u2019s the law of diminishing returns, bro. If you always treat a girl like a princess, she\u2019s going to get bored.\u201d<\/p>\nOn Sincerity:<\/strong> \u201cYou can\u2019t be a little bit pregnant and you can\u2019t fake the GTL lifestyle. It\u2019s go hard or go home, bro. (And by the way, if you know anyone who\u2019s a little bit pregnant, it wasn\u2019t me.)\u201d<\/p>\nOn Love:<\/strong> \u201cWhat do you say when a girl tells you she loves you? You say, \u201cAwesome.\u201d And that\u2019s it. What do you do if she again tells you that she loves you? You roll.\u201d<\/p>\nOn Posing For Pictures:<\/strong> \u201cIf you\u2019re a dude, you can either go with a hard-core stare into the camera, or an air-kiss. There is no third option. Chicks have to roll with the duck-face or the trout pout.\u201d<\/p>\nOn Spirituality:<\/strong> \u201cLike how God is simultaneously the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, the Situation is Lifting, Cardio, and Nutrition. These are indivisible and eternal.\u201d<\/p>\nAnd so I challenge you, The Situation. I couldn\u2019t live a day as you, but I don\u2019t think you can live a day as me. As one of eleven people on Earth who bought and read your book, you owe me. I challenge you to ride the Communist New York City Subway up to my business school. I challenge you to handle a 9 AM marketing class cold-call. And when you inevitably raise your shirt we\u2019ll call it even.<\/p>\n
Except I still had to read your book. <\/p>\n
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