{"id":7401,"date":"2011-07-06T10:01:41","date_gmt":"2011-07-06T14:01:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=7401"},"modified":"2012-12-26T20:08:03","modified_gmt":"2012-12-27T01:08:03","slug":"who-is-the-biggest-loser-2011","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/07\/06\/who-is-the-biggest-loser-2011\/","title":{"rendered":"Who Is The Biggest Loser Of 2011?"},"content":{"rendered":"

The cows were the first to know.<\/p>\n

200 Delphic bovines in Wisconsin died suddenly this January. Their passing followed on the heels of other mysterious animal deaths. Hundreds of thousands of fish floated belly up in Maryland and Arkansas waterways. 40,000 crabs washed up on England\u2019s barnacled shores. Thousands of birds plunged from the sky over backwater Louisiana towns.<\/p>\n

The mass animal deaths baffled scientists and smacked of an unfinished Kurt Vonnegut novel. But to dooms-dayers, it was the latest incontrovertible evidence: the Rapture was upon us.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Extra-terrestrial historians may well sigh: we should have known. The tell-tale signs of the impending apocalypse were all too apparent in the first half of 2011. Strange happenings from geopolitics to the Jersey Shore. Students armed only with moxie and status updates toppled the Middle East\u2019s strongmen. France led airstrikes into a sovereign country. Donald Trump was a veritable Republican presidential candidate before he fired\u2122 himself from consideration. Even Brett Favre retired. And, most improbably of all, Snooki was a New York Times best-selling author.<\/p>\n

\"Snooki<\/p>\n

Planet Gaia tragically played the accomplice. The Japan earthquake this March shifted the country\u2019s entire coastline eight feet. The Gulf of Mexico again gushed oil near the notorious BP leak. Another enraged Iceland volcano scuttled trans-Atlantic air travel. Countless tornadoes carved up the United States, making 2011 the deadliest year on record.<\/p>\n

\"Newsweek<\/p>\n

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Yes, the end of the world was right on schedule, sayeth noted doomsdayer Harold Camping.<\/p>\n

Harold Camping is an 89-year old civil engineer turned self-taught biblical scholar. He prophesized May 21, 2011\u20147,000 years after Noah\u2019s flood, a Saturday, and the 59th birthday of Mr. T\u2014to be Judgment Day. Mr. Camping first calculated Judgment Day to be back in 1994. He later admitted a rounding error.<\/p>\n

But this time was real. As Harold Camping saw it, Judgment Day would commence with an earthquake off the coast of New Zealand on May 21. It would make Japan\u2019s tragedy look like \u201cchild\u2019s play\u201d.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

If Harold Camping was right, 200 million believers would be destined to Heaven that Saturday. The rest of us would be doomed to five months of fire and brimstone before the world\u2019s complete destruction in October. If Harold Camping was wrong, 200 million believers were destined for the most awkward Monday morning meetings of their lives.
\nTo Mr. Camping\u2019s credit, a 6.1 magnitude earthquake did strike near New Zealand\u2019s uninhabited Kermadec Islands on May 21. Unfortunately for Mr. Camping a) no damage was reported and b) he is still here.<\/p>\n

Mr. Camping admitted, \u201cIt was a rough weekend.\u201d He expected more smoke and devastation. But he insists Judgment Day did occur on May 21. We simply did not see it. And the world will still end on October 21. A Friday, and, for now anyway, the scheduled Game 2 of the 2011 World Series.<\/p>\n

\"Waiting<\/p>\n

Americans can rest assured that authorities remained on highest alert in the event of the Rapture. The CDC compiled a comprehensive, doctor-certified zombie emergency plan<\/a>. Step 4: \u201cWhen zombies are hungry they won\u2019t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast!\u201d<\/p>\n

The New York Police Department issued a formal statement, \u201cWe don\u2019t plan any additional coverage for the end of the world. Indeed, if it happens, fewer officers will be required for streets that presumably will be empty.\u201d
\nAnd embattled New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg comforted citizens, \u201cThe world cannot end tomorrow. You know why? It can\u2019t end at least until the Knicks win a championship again. We\u2019ve got a long time to go!\u201d Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire were unavailable for comment.<\/p>\n

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But suppose Harold Camping is right. Suppose Judgment Day did unfold on May 21. Suppose the world will end on October 21. What would you do? The mega-rich would cobble together massive spacecraft to escape our mortal coil, a la the Jon Cusack movie bust 2012. But the rest of us?<\/p>\n

Many will spend their final days with loved ones. We will savor the ephemeral beauties of family\u2014one last beer with the dad, a final Chinese Checkers game with the grandmom. And we will cherish long, nostalgic \u201cremember when\u201d dinners in the backyard. Both of them. Because then the mayhem will begin\u2026<\/p>\n

Epicureanism will be civilization\u2019s last fad. Equinox gym memberships will plunge. Recreational drug use will soar. Millions of debtors will rejoice over inconsequential credit card bills.<\/p>\n

The most noble among us will continue to work out of a sense of duty. But trash collectors would not be among them. Cities would become smoldering infernos of uncollected garbage and looting.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

I hedged my bets in case Harold Camping was right. I did not book a one-way flight to the Seychelles. I did not party like Charlie Sheen. I did, however, inhale bags of dark chocolate peanut butter M&M\u2019s and spend hours in hot-tubs. Often at the same time.<\/p>\n

I woke up Sunday, May 22. My student loans were still there accruing interest. Michael Bay, still allowed to direct movies. I surveyed the Georgia countryside expecting acres of charred, pockmarked moonscape. And I saw only cows grazing in verdant pastures. Without a care in the world.<\/p>\n

Because dooms-dayers have been wrong since the beginning of time. Because his Family Radio network squandered $100 million to warn us about just another Saturday. And because this was not his first blown prophecy, Harold Camping is 2011\u2019s Loser of the Half-Year.<\/p>\n

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Dishonorable Mention:<\/strong> 3D Movies, Al Qaeda, Rod Blagojevich, Greece, LeBron James, Middle Eastern Tyrants, Manny Ramirez, MySpace, NASA, The New York DOJ, Pakistan, QE2, and Charlie Sheen.<\/p>\n

Worst Start To A Presidential Campaign:<\/strong> Former Speaker of the House turned glitter-bombed pariah Newt Gingrich<\/p>\n