{"id":9558,"date":"2011-11-28T15:07:49","date_gmt":"2011-11-28T20:07:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=9558"},"modified":"2012-12-26T20:07:57","modified_gmt":"2012-12-27T01:07:57","slug":"the-mormon-diaries-chapter-2-never-have-i-ever","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/11\/28\/the-mormon-diaries-chapter-2-never-have-i-ever\/","title":{"rendered":"The Mormon Diaries, Chapter 2: Never Have I Ever"},"content":{"rendered":"

Rule #321:<\/strong> Never, under any circumstances, play Never Have I Ever<\/em> with Mormons. It\u2019s a waste of an evening. <\/p>\n

You think: Spring Break 2009. Russell thinks: the time he watched District 9 on FX. The \u201cnaughty parts\u201d were censored. The cursing bleeped. But still, Russell is 28 years old. He has never had sex. His greatest rebellion to date was watching \u201cJust Go With It\u201d this summer. <\/p>\n

It was PG-13, but, as Russell, points out, \u201cjust because Hollywood says its PG-13 doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s wholesome.\u201d Russell uses the word \u201cwholesome.\u201d And often. <\/p>\n

The group nodded vigorously.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Russell repented, he assured us. The following morning, first thing. The bishop assigned him six months of G-rated movies and tens hours of community service for his sins. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

The group modified the Never Have I Ever<\/em> game to incorporate me. They usually play with jelly beans or Skittles. But they are an amiable lot. They let me drink wine. <\/p>\n

\u201cNever have I ever,\u201d Russell pondered, \u201cdrank tea.\u201d <\/p>\n

The group tittered. They impishly dipped into their jelly-bean cups. Faces reddened with sinner\u2019s shame. I took another swig from the bottle. My third. Face aglow for a different reason. <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d I cut in. \u201cTea\u2019s bad with Mormons?\u201d<\/p>\n

The group stiffened. Devin sighed, \u201cAs the Word of Wisdom says: \u2018And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe what?\u201d<\/p>\n

The Word of Wisdom is the Mormons\u2019 holy diet plan, of sorts. A sanctified nutritional mandate passed down from God to Joseph Smith. Or, depending on whom you ask, Joseph Smith\u2019s wife.<\/p>\n

\"Joseph<\/p>\n

The year was 1833. Joseph Smith would have the boys over at his place. They were grizzly, bushwhackers in Kirtland, Ohio. And they were bored. They spat tobacco, lapped up beer, and raved about the glorious Kingdom they had between smoke rings.<\/p>\n

Life was good. Except for Mrs. Joseph Smith. She was tired of sopping up the booze, clawing humps of tobacco chew off the floorboards. And she let Joseph Smith hear about it. Until finally, she issued the marriage ultimatum: it\u2019s them or me. So, as Brigham Young taught, \u201cThe complaints of his wife at having to clean so filthy a floor, made the Prophet think upon the matter.\u201d<\/p>\n

But Joseph Smith was crafty. And, as the founder of a religion, he enjoyed some leeway other besieged husbands could not. He went out back and prayed to God in the Ohio hinterlands. He returned with the Word of Wisdom.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"The<\/p>\n

The Word of Wisdom is a four-part tome on dieting and hygiene culminating with the Divine Promise. Interestingly, enforcement of Word of Wisdom practices have flip-flopped worse than Mitt Romney. Adherence was flimsy at the onset, before mellowing out entirely in the early 20th Century then buttoning up again in modern times. <\/p>\n

On Meat:<\/strong> Animals have spirits, too, Joseph Smith proselytized. Meat, therefore, should not be consumed, except \u201cin times of winter, or of cold, or famine.\u201d And so it was taught, until the times of refrigeration. \u201cModern methods of refrigeration now make it possible to preserve meat in any season,\u201d sayeth the LDS church. <\/p>\n

On Beer:<\/strong> The Word of Wisdom taught barley-based drinks were allowed. Brigham Young Jr. decreed as much as late as 1901. But modern day LDS Church leaders teach that consumption of any alcohol violates the Word of Wisdom.<\/p>\n

On Tobacco:<\/strong> Tobacco is banned from human consumption and only to be applied to \u201cherb to bruises and to treat cattle.\u201d Within two decades, however, church leadership relaxed the tobacco stance. First, only ninety-year olds could indulge (they needed it, they reasoned). Then all church members could chew tobacco during service, so long as they were discrete about it. Finally, the Church banned Mormons from using tobacco but allowed them to sell it to non-Mormons as a business. <\/p>\n

Joseph Smith himself played fast and loose with the Word of Wisdom. He once unwound after an especially fiery sermon with a stroll down the street chomping on a cigar. He ran his own tavern in Far West, Missouri. Modern Mormon scholars maintain Joseph Smith was testing his followers. He drank and he smoked to see that they followed the Church of Latter Day Saints. Not Joseph Smith.<\/p>\n

Followers who adhered to the Word of Wisdom are blessed with the Divine Promise, they:<\/p>\n

“shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones; and shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; and shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint. And, I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Doctors remain baffled by the \u201chidden treasures\u201d, but the Word of Wisdom has been shown to lengthen lives. A UCLA study found LDS Church members experienced a cancer and cardiovascular death rate half that of the general population. The healthiest church-goers lived eight to eleven years longer than the general white population. <\/p>\n

\u201cThe Church says the body is a temple,\u201d Devin explained. \u201cYou\u2019re not s\u2019posed to have anything that hurts the body.” If so, The Temple of Devin could use some upkeep, with a significant belly bulging beneath his holiday Christmas sweater. <\/p>\n

Devin nodded, \u201cA life without vice is a small price to pay for more years of LDS bliss.\u201d<\/p>\n

I took an especially hearty swig of wine. <\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * <\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

\u201cNever have I ever,\u201d Heather paused for dramatic effect. \u201cHAD COKE!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTwice on Tuesday,\u201d Devin confessed.<\/p>\n

\u201cOoooh,\u201d the group-turned 4th Grade police\u2014accused.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s hardcore,\u201d I started. \u201cI gotta tell you this one story about my buddy. He was in Panama, had a 5 AM puddle-jumper to Bocas. His plan was to stay up all-night. He falls asleep. Of course. Came-to at, like, 4:45 and high-tails it to the airport.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI spent my Mission in Panama,\u201d Adam interrupted. \u201cLovely place. The spirit of the people\u2014.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well,\u201d I shushed him. \u201cMy buddy, he still has blow in his pocket. He pulls out the passport and it\u2019s coated in coke. I mean\u2014it\u2019s everywhere. The customs agent looks down at the passport. Looks up my friend. Looks over at his buddy. And just laughs \u201cGringo\u201d and hands the passport back. <\/p>\n

Stunned silence. A single jelly bean plopped back into the bowl.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait\u2026\u201d I realized. \u201cAre we not talking about the same thing, here?\u201d<\/p>\n

I was not invited back to next Saturday\u2019s Never Have I Ever game.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Rule #321: Never, under any circumstances, play Never Have I Ever with Mormons. It\u2019s a waste of an evening. You think: Spring Break 2009. Russell thinks: the time he watched District 9 on FX. The \u201cnaughty parts\u201d were censored. The cursing bleeped. But still, Russell is 28 years old. He has never had sex. His […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":549,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[259],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe Mormon Diaries, Chapter 2: Never Have I Ever - Prose Before Hos<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Rule #321: Never, under any circumstances, play Never Have I Ever with Mormons. It\u2019s a waste of an evening. You think: Spring Break 2009. 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