The Mormon Diaries, Chapter 3: Mormon Night Football

I didn’t mean to make the Mormons run away.

I didn’t mean to ruin their Family Home Evening night, either. But they were getting preachy, boring, and I had wine.

Family Home Evening—or FHE as the cool Mormons call it for short—is their version of Happy Hour. Every Monday night while us non-believers watch Monday Night Football or laugh-tracked CBS sitcoms, they gather. They swarm bowling alleys, campgrounds, and Red Lobsters across the globe.

The neighbors hyped FHE up all week: “attractive” girls, a free banquet dinner, “surprise” entertainment. I did not particularly want to go. But it was a Monday night. In Utah. And I wanted to be affable. Restore some goodwill after the weekend’s Never Have I Ever debacle.

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The Mormon Diaries, Chapter 2: Never Have I Ever

Rule #321: Never, under any circumstances, play Never Have I Ever with Mormons. It’s a waste of an evening.

You think: Spring Break 2009. Russell thinks: the time he watched District 9 on FX. The “naughty parts” were censored. The cursing bleeped. But still, Russell is 28 years old. He has never had sex. His greatest rebellion to date was watching “Just Go With It” this summer.

It was PG-13, but, as Russell, points out, “just because Hollywood says its PG-13 doesn’t mean it’s wholesome.” Russell uses the word “wholesome.” And often.

The group nodded vigorously.

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The Mormon Diaries: Chapter 1 – The Neighbors

They thought I had a speech impediment. Or, at the very least, a mild learning disability.

First night in the new condo. Why not invite the neighbors over?, I figured. Down a couple shots, pregame through an It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode, and see where the night took us.

In New York City, this would be fool-proof. It would invariably led to a club, mysterious $91 bar tab, 4:11 AM slice of baked ziti pizza, Coconut Water-infused Sunday recovery, and an all-around “solid” weekend.

But this was not New York City. This was Utah. The bar (there’s only one) closed at midnight. Baked ziti was simply a greasy lunch side at Sizzler’s. And the neighbors were Mormon.

They didn’t drink. They prayed. They didn’t watch R-rated TV or go to clubs. They attended prayer ward, went bowling, and were in bed by 10:30.

I didn’t know this at the time, of course.

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Morning After In America

Simultaneously the comedian and the punch line, the United States today is a joke, though perhaps the funniest thing about it is that we don’t actually mean to be. The easiest way to appreciate the humor is by looking at the rather slapstick slew of 2012 Republican primary candidates: there’s Michele Bachmann, who actually believes that if gay people were given rights everyone else would lose theirs while Herman Cain, the presidential hopeful du jour, is now known primarily for his Sim City-inspired tax plan and for his alleged sexual harassment of women.

Always lurking in the distance is Susan Boyle lookalike Newt Gingrich, whose highly intolerant statements are alarmingly similar to the late Osama Bin Laden. Then there’s Rick Santorum, whose talents include owning nice suits and utilizing his First Amendment rights to display his own ignorance to a national audience. And of course, one cannot forget the tanned and innocuous Mitt Romney; or actually, one can. Most neglect to mention Ron Paul or Jon Huntsman, mainly because there’s nothing particularly funny about knowledgeable individuals who base their beliefs on actual principles.

News for the Nescient

Much like a senile uncle at a family reunion, the 2012 Republican primary race has provided the much-needed comedic relief in an otherwise overwhelmingly depressing juncture. The facts are crippling and the foreseeable future is rather bleak: no one wants to talk about rising unemployment and poverty rates, an abysmal and ineffective prison system, mindless resource consumption, or the score of other problems that over the next few decades will prove to be crippling, if not fatal, in the global society.

It is not surprising then that as Greece teeters at the precipice of a national economic default with global aftershocks that American news sources have instead focused primarily on a potential paternity suit for pop sensation Justin Bieber, the failed marriage of Kim Kardashian whose lifespan was less than that of a brine shrimp, and the alleged sexual history of Republican candidate Herman Cain. None of these things matter, yet Americans consume them as real “news.”

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The Five Best Ways to Make Use Of Your Masters Degree

There are many reasons to get a master’s degree, both professionally and personally. Still, getting a master’s degree is a long and involved process, not to mention expensive. You might be one of the many people out there asking themselves what exactly you can do with a master’s degree once you get it. Simply getting the piece of paper isn’t going to rocket you to prestige and prosperity, there are still some things you will have to do.

The true value of a master’s degree is opportunity. Master’s degrees open the doors to many new opportunities you probably didn’t have previously. The trick is knowing how to take advantage of these opportunities and improve your quality of life. Hopefully learning the most important things you can do with a master’s degree will help you to do just that.

Promote Your New School

There are many people who didn’t attend the most prestigious of institutions for their bachelor’s degree. The name of the school on your diploma is actually a fairly influential part of your future success. Having the name of a well respected institution on your diploma makes you far more appealing to an employer. Getting a master’s degree let’s you update and upgrade your Alma Mater to one that carries a little more weight in the world.

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