Oh no Nancy Pelosi!!!!!!

It’s like it’s the 1970’s all over again, with our favorite war criminal Henry Kissinger being asked his advice by George Bush. No, this is not a joke, and yes, we may be fighting in Vietnam (thus Kissinger’s expertise). Christopher Hitchens asks a very relevant and poignant question: Will we never be free of the malign effect of this little gargoyle? (Watch out Chris, you may be next).

And in the tasteful right-wing bigotry of the day, Lauer on Limbaugh’s Michael J. Fox attacks: “Didn’t Rush Limbaugh just say what a lot of people were privately thinking?”. So a guy who has campaigned for Republicans in the past (Specter of PA) and is campaigning for Democrats in the current election is an ‘actor’? Oh boy! But nothing compares to Dennis Millers attack (albeit pretty funny) on Nancy Pelosi:

Now, I’ve worked in office scenarios before where a nimrod rose to a position of power in the office through mere inconsequentiality, and it drove me berserk. And I just know that every day I turn on C-SPAN, which, granted, is never, and see her wielding the wrong end of that gavel, it will give me Krakatoan shpilkes. To think that a C-minus, D-plus applicant like this, who no doubt would have been drummed out of the Mary Kay corps after an initial four-week evaluation period, might have a seat at the table of true powers, the speaker of the House, is absolutely insane.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn but, beep beep.

Capital Punishment Laws of the World; it looks like America has some wonderful company — I think I see Uzbekistan and China in there! And also everyone hates the French, it just takes some shock to figure it out.

Jesus Looks Good When You Don’t Have a Career

Oh boy, my career is down the tubes and I don’t know what to do. Wait, I’ll love Jesus! Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ‘I’m the first Jesus Psycho’:

Now Baldwin has released a memoir, “The Unusual Suspect,” a reference to the one critically acclaimed film for which he’s known. The book, the “Gospel according to Stevie B.,” is part testimonial and part evangelical manifesto, a cocktail of anti-intellectualism and a biblical interpretation that would have Jesus spinning in his grave, had he stayed there. Baldwin preaches that free will is a lie of Satan — we must shut off our brains, he says, and be led by what God tells our hearts. Furthermore, he writes, efforts to end global poverty and violence are just the sort of “stupid arrogance” that incur God’s wrath, which we’ll be feeling any day now in the coming apocalypse. I suppose when the star of “Bio-Dome” is advising the president and converting kids by the thousands to his gnarly brand of faith, the end is, indeed, nigh.

Best response (and always a reason to love Salon): Dear Lord, please save me from your followers.

Zach Braff’s Pussy

Zach Braff is Zach Braff in another dull movie about emotions smothered with plenty of independent music! Oh boy! Slate vindicates I am not the only person in the world who hates the sheep who love Garden State et. al. shit. “If Zach Braff is the voice of my generation, can’t someone please crush his larynx?”

And let’s not forget about FATWA FRIDAYS: “A car commercial proclaiming a jihad on the U.S. auto market and offering “Fatwa Fridays” with free swords for the kids is offensive and should not be aired, Muslim leaders said on Sunday.”

Which delves into the more serious question, why do they hate us? The answer is a series of semi-humorous political cartoons, and of course, the New York Times. And why do we get so horny? “Women become sexually aroused as quickly as men.” LIES!!!!!!!!!!!! But who the hell gets aroused watching Mr. Bean?

Subjects were naked from the waist down and positioned themselves such that their genital area was exposed and readable by the thermal imaging device. The participants next watched another video with the same subject matter, or one featuring pornography, horror or comedic clips from the Best Bits of Mr Bean.

News About Asians and Perverts

You know why they say the Style section is the place to throw the filler written by a slack jawed English major? Because it is! Evidence is the following, from a recent Washington Post article entitled ‘Japanese Women Catch the ‘Korean Wave’:

She may just have to take a number and get in line. In recent years, the wild success of male celebrities from South Korea — sensitive men but totally ripped — has redefined what Asian women want, from Bangkok to Beijing, from Taipei to Tokyo. Gone are the martial arts movie heroes and the stereotypical macho men of mainstream Asian television. Today, South Korea’s trend-setting screen stars and singers dictate everything from what hair gels people use in Vietnam to what jeans are bought in China.

Slate is finally giving us what we want: plenty of coverage on the anus. How many cell phones can fit in one ass? That’s the question Slate asks and answers (and this includes an MP3 version). They also do us the service that reminding you nothing is safe when you cross the border, including your butthole: ‘Are prison guards and customs officials allowed to check your anal cavity? Yes. The courts have held that anal cavity searches do not necessarily violate the Fourth Amendment.’ And then, there is only slightly eye catching headline of ‘The media’s silence about rampant anal sex.’ Anytime I can read a line like ‘Talking to your kids about oral sex is the easy part. If you’re going to be frank about the most dangerous widespread activity revealed in the survey, you’re looking at the wrong end of the digestive tract.’ in a major publication, I’m pretty happy with the world.

And in possibly the sexiest news possible, ‘Cops say grave robbers had sex on their minds’. Check out this choice excerpt:

On their way to dig up a grave in rural southwestern Wisconsin, the Grunke brothers and a friend stopped at a Wal-Mart to pick up some condoms, authorities said.

Three days later, on Tuesday, twins Nicholas and Alexander Grunke, 20, and Dustin Radke, 20, were charged in Grant County with attempted theft — and attempting to have sex with a corpse.

Booty Popping to Global Jihad

Do you want to know who the original George W is? It’s Virginia’s own George Allen. Not only is he the kind of stupid politician that a silver-spoon could create, but he is a racist and a bigot. He’s up for reelection, and even after he called an Indian a Macaca, he’s still up by 7 points in the polls.

Here’s a headline that will make you cringe: “Beyoncé Knowles, freedom fighter: Why “booty popping” will do to Islamic fundamentalism what rock ‘n’ roll did to Stalinism”. More oversexed, hyper-sexual humanoids in short skirts for the Jihad please! (Or did I get that backwards).

And in the ha-ha, happy moment of the day, an evangelist drowned trying to walk on water. Someone obviously didn’t raise the roof enough for Jesus or his innumerable sins. Speaking of which, a new world order is about to start, are you ready? (YES!!!!)

In other under the radar news to make you blue, Naguib Mahfouz, one of the Arab world’s most celebrated authors, died yesterday:

But Mahfouz’s lasting mark on the world stage will surely be a measure of how deeply he believed in the power of fiction — in the ability of myth and story to be a guidepost to our lives. He was a serious man, and he devoted his life to making up stories: more than 30 novels, hundreds of short stories, a handful of plays and movie scripts. Almost all of them document his particular corner of the universe — Cairo, one of the world’s most ancient cities. Ninety years old, going out six nights a week, the cafe life, the writer as social intellectual.

Like Faulkner, he never really left home. And so in the complex warrens of his neighborhood dwelled his most prominent creation, al-Sayyid Ahmad Abd al-Jawad, the prosperous merchant and family patriarch at the heart of his greatest work, “The Cairo Trilogy.” The three novels depict the family moving into the modern 20th century, through British occupation to political independence, replete with sexual conquests, greed, drunkenness, mendacity, drug abuse, homosexuality, the ravages of disease and the thorns of unrequited love. They were a little twisted, too: His sons have affairs with women who slept with their father.

Al-Sayyid — think of him as Tennessee Williams’s “Big Daddy” with a Muslim twist and a philandering streak — dominates his wife and sons at home, but is a hedonist at heart.

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