News to Make Ping Pong China Blue

Chinese people, I like you, but you’re crazy. For instance, in China, ping pong players are celebrities. There is two things wrong with this: it’s ping pong. So paragraphs like this can actually exist in the Wall Street Journal:

In China, ping-pong players are major celebrities whose off-court antics are watched as closely as their on-court smash serves. The military-like discipline the national team’s coaches try to enforce — housing players in dormitories and prohibiting them from dating teammates — hasn’t stopped Mr. Chen and his teammates from living life on the edge. In February, one team member was suspended for a year for a bout of late-night drinking. In late July, another teammate was forced to pay a fine and publicly apologize after crashing his Porsche Boxster into a taxi while driving drunk.

Actually, I remember the second thing wrong about this — there’s a RAP VIDEO for the CHINESE PING PONG TEAM. Also, China is taking all of our oil.

noooooooooooooooooooooooo

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo:

Production has stopped on NBC Universal Domestic Television Distribution’s “Blind Date,” while Warner Bros. Domestic Television Distribution’s “ElimiDate” hasn’t been renewed for 2006-07, sources said.

“Blind Date,” which films a couple on a blind date and then adds humorous pop-ups and graphics, has been renewed in more than 90 percent of the country for next season, but what viewers will be seeing are repeat episodes, sources said. There are believed to be more than 1,300 produced episodes from the show’s seven seasons on the air.

Finding My Grooooooooove

Dead & Gray, Mr. Ken Lay (And Dick Cheney’s America)

Welcome to Dick Cheney’s America. ABC talks about the ‘Cheney 1 Percent Doctrine’, which is not the plan to eliminate all Americans who earn less than $100,000 a year as I originally thought. Apparently, it deals with the fact that any chance of an alleged threat can be met with preemptive ‘responses’. Conclusion: your ass is grass, North Korea & Iran.

Want to read something even more disturbing? CNN has the full court archives from the Columbine investigation. Jeez, doing school assignments on Charles Manson or the Nazi’s doesn’t really hint at anything, does it? Plus all those sweet Napoleon Dynamite-esque pictures of devil buffalos with machine guns don’t help either. Frankly, I think their parents should be proud they were even able to hatch this plan in the first place given their intelligence.

And in the sad, not really so sad news, Ken Lay, former CEO and was soon-to-be convict, died of a heart attack. Yet even in death, this man cannot get a good word spoken about him. Even the Washington Post chimes in on his last ‘evasion’, which can be promptly summarized that he gets to be a corpse instead of someone’s bitch.

Trips to the Whorehouse and Being an Introvert

Ever wondered what it would be like to take a mood enhancer for an extended period of time? Well according to a writer on Slate, you become a drunk (but hey, at least you’re popular!). This reminds me (and others) why it’s nice to be an introvert.

In the most sane news I’ve heard in a while, the
Pentagon has officially decided homosexuality is a mental defect. “It is disappointing that certain Department of Defense instructions include homosexuality as a ‘mental disorder’ more than 30 years after the mental health community recognized that such a classification was a mistake”. Then again, most Pentagon officials are still battling hippies and communists (in their heads, at least).

I’ve always wanted to go to Thailand, but I didn’t know I could get rich doing it. I want to know who the hell buys jeans on Ebay, because I thought people just bought outrageous Jesus emblazoned items and broken electronics. Also, how did we get to this quote: “Two years later, bitter toward the “uncivilized” locals yet still unwilling to return to America, he sells fake Diesels to pay for expensive meals and trips to the whorehouse.” I don’t know how, but I do love it.

Do you want to read about a bunch of post-feminists arguing about the role of blowjobs in our patriarchal society? Of course you do! And in a similar, the apocalypse is on it’s way news item of the day, there is now a nicotine infused drink available.