Things that make you go hmmm

Graffiti on the Israeli/Palestinian Separation Wall

Gigantic Duck Penis and Burritos in Superheros Pants

This may be the most important news item of the century: Ducks are developing gigantic penises. Yes, gigantic penises. And nothing sums up the mission of this groundbreaking investigation better than how the researcher stumbled upon this field:

Dr. Brennan was oblivious to bird phalluses until 1999. While working in a Costa Rican forest, she observed a pair of birds called tinamous mating. “They became unattached, and I saw this huge thing hanging off of him,” she said. “I could not believe it. It became one of those questions I wrote down: why do these males have this huge phallus?”

Basically what you have is a scientist checking out a big floppy bird cock, and says, I want to know more about this — I… I want that inside ME!! (OK I made the last part up, but let’s just assume). But seriously, how lonely do you have to be to have so much interest in bird dick? Answer: very lonely.

Second most important news? To celebrate the 4th year anniversary of Mission Accomplished, a 50-foot ‘Mission Accomplished?’ banner was unfurled in front of White House last week (yessss).

And while we’re all pandering to our various constituents, how about Hilldog getting on her knees for some delicious Israel money? “Democratic presidential candidate and New York Senator Hillary Clinton said Tuesday that it might be necessary for America to confront Iran militarily, addressing that possibility more directly than any of the other presidential candidates who spoke this week to the National Jewish Democratic Council.” Lets hope she doesn’t get too tired carrying all that gold from New York to Washington!

And on a final note, Captain America was arrested with a burrito in his pants:

A Brevard County doctor dressed up in a Captain America outfit was arrested with a burrito in his tights. What he allegedly did at the police station got him into more trouble.

Doctor Raymond Adamcik, 54, would probably rather forget about the weekend when he was arrested on charges of battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence. It’s not what you would expect from a doctor or Captain America.

The Palm Bay family physician was at On Tap bar as part of a pub-crawl with other medical professionals. It was a sort of costume party on a bus that would take them around from bar to bar.

Everything was fine until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, a burrito that ultimately landed him in jail…

On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.”

The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station. There, while in a holding cell, police said, he asked to use the bathroom and tried to flush a joint, also hidden in his blue tights, down the toilet.

Oh America, how I love thee.

Go Mugabe, it’s yo birfday, and we don’t give a fuck bout yo negative GDP growth

You want to know what irony is? Irony is leading your country to the brink of complete financial and economic collapse, and then asking asking for donations for your birthday party. This is what Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, is doing. With inflation at a record high of 1,593% and agricultural production down 40%, Mugabe is asking the citizens to contribute $1.2 million for his 83rd BIRTHDAY PARTY. Yes, in a country where GDP is decreasing at 4.4 % per year, unemployment is at 80%, the average income is $2000, and public debt is 108.4% of GDP (as in they are indebted more than they earn as a nation), the President — who turned a prosperous country into the one we see now — wants to reward himself with a FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY. Mission Accomplished, toys!

In less important but equally dejecting news, “Many young Bostonians think city overreacted”. Oh, rly? Thankfully, anyone in my age group has been too busy overdosing on narcissism to notice our wonderful war on life or drinking their Iran Kool-Aid.

Good sex is not a rat race, don’t tell your kids their smart, and don’t forget: social class is the dividing line.

The Gay Christian Hypocrite Theater

There is one thing you always want to read when you catch up on sports: “Minnesota high schools grappling with herpes”. Apparently, all of those after-practice shenanigans (read: GAY ORAL SEX WRESTLING HIGH SCHOOL PARTIES!!!) are getting out of control. And the definitive question is asked:

“I think it’s a bold step,” he said. “How else are you going to get this thing cleared up? How do I explain to a mom that her kid has herpes forever?”

…Anderson said the greatest concern is an infection of the eye, which can, in rare cases, lead to scarring or blindness.

You don’t explain it to them, because you probably gave it to them by imposing your sexual deviance all over their body/face, and you didn’t make them wear goggles to shield them from impending sexiness and disease.

That’s not even the scariest or sexiest story of the year according the Economist. No, it’s the illicit smuggling of bomb-grade uranium in former Soviet republics! What, the idea of some radicalists trying to make a bomb scares you? Guess what, the Koran doesn’t come with bomb recipes! If you need me, I’ll be busy driving over foreigners with my Japanese made SUV.

Speaking of radicals, good news everyone! Ted Haggard, minister who thinly veiled his own perversions (including sleeping with male prostitutes and doing meth) by speaking of the evils of homosexuality, is now ‘completely heterosexual’. Oh boy, he’s been cured of his fagness:

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is “completely heterosexual.”

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday’s edition.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Oh, duh! He isn’t a bizarre sex freak, he was ACTING! It was all theater, you know, with the drug use, uber-Christian sermons, and sodomy. This guy is god damn committed to his art, that’s for sure.