{"id":136613,"date":"2013-01-09T12:00:01","date_gmt":"2013-01-09T17:00:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=136613"},"modified":"2013-01-09T12:00:08","modified_gmt":"2013-01-09T17:00:08","slug":"best-theories-volume-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/01\/09\/best-theories-volume-one\/","title":{"rendered":"The Best Theories On Everything: Volume One"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Communicating With The Opposite Sex Theories<\/h2>\n

The \u201cShe Asks, Does This Make Me Look Fat?\u201d Theory:<\/strong>\u00a0Smile sweetly and say, \u201cNothing could make you look fat.\u201d <\/p>\n

WARNING:<\/strong> Any variation from this answer may result in death by impalement.<\/p>\n

The \u201cShe Says, Nothing Is Wrong\u201d Theory:<\/strong>\u00a0She means, everything is. All hands on deck. We\u2019re at DEFCON 5.\u00a0<\/p>\n

The \u201cHe\/She Doesn\u2019t Answer Your Call\u201d Theory:<\/strong>\u00a0Leave a text. Not a voicemail message. It never comes out well. And long rambling voice mails lead people to do crazy things. \u201cSeinfeld\u201d and \u201cCurb Your Enthusiasm\u201d creator Larry David once broke into a girl\u2019s apartment to delete a particularly meandering message. <\/p>\n

Americans born after 1977 are allergic to voicemail. Text. And keep it short. Texting should be Hemingway, not Dickens.<\/p>\n

But be careful:<\/p>\n

\"Relationship<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The \u201cHe\/She Doesn\u2019t Answer Your 3rd Call\u201d Theory:<\/strong>\u00a0Move on.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

The \u201cProtecting Your Facebook Privacy\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Facebook<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

\u201cThe Boarding & Deboarding Airplanes\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n

When boarding flights, board last. If an empty row presents itself before 36A does, seat yourself. <\/p>\n

When leaving flights, stand up last. Everyone else inevitably jumps up, only to shift their weight impatiently for 3-5 minutes in the aisle. <\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

The Don\u2019t Sleep So Much Theories<\/h2>\n

The \u201cStay Up Late\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Stay up late. Always. The less compelling the reason, the better. \u201cMad Men\u201d marathon at 12:27 AM? Watch. 2:31 AM ill-advised Waffle House run? Go. <\/p>\n

These are the times when the \u201cremember the time\u2026\u201d stories are minted. These are the times the memorable conversations happen. You\u2019ll never remember the night you went to bed early and were well-rested in the weekly 9 AM meeting. You\u2019ll always remember the late-night you saw Kanye West at that Waffle House.<\/p>\n

The \u201cWake Up Early Anyway\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Get up the next morning. Always. <\/p>\n

When Bill Clinton was a student at Georgetown, a professor lectured great people conditioned themselves to sleep 4-5 hours a night. The simple reason being: you get more done. Bill Clinton applied the theory in his dorm room that night and remembered it well during his famous all-night pizza meetings at the White House. <\/p>\n

Warning:<\/strong>\u00a0The Bill Clinton Sleep Schedule is not to be confused with the Bill Clinton Sleeping Around Schedule.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The \u201cRemote Control Guy\u201d Theory:<\/strong> When entrusted with remote control privileges, after the primary show, your priority is to ensure guests never see a commercial (Excluding during Super Bowls). So, in tandem with primary show\/game, pre-select a secondary channel (i.e. SportsCenter for bros) to flip to. (Note: The average commercial break is 2.5 minutes.) <\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

The \u201cIs Your Friend Ready To Be Married?\u201d Theory:<\/strong> If your friend asks, \u201cSo what\u2019s the return policy on wedding rings at WalMart?\u201d, he\u2019s not ready.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Drinking Theories<\/h2>\n

The \u201cTomorrow Morning You\u201d Theory:<\/strong> When drinking, Tomorrow Morning You will always hate Last Night You. <\/p>\n

The \u201cReal Cure To Hangovers\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Coconut water, a medicinal herb only legal for recreational purposes in the states of Colorado and Washington, followed by a hearty brunch. <\/p>\n

The \u201cNon-Alcoholic Drinking\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Besides alcohol, don\u2019t drink beverages with calories. Diet Coke instead of Coke. Vitamin Water Zero, instead of Vitamin Water. Or, ideally, just water. <\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

The \u201cGetting Into Long-Lined Bars\/Clubs\u201d Theory:<\/strong> In a pinch, \u201cI think I left my keys inside. Could I please go check real quick?\u201d will often suffice. Especially if you are female. <\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

The Modern Media Theories<\/h2>\n

The Odd Year Theory:<\/strong> Media networks and electronic retailers loathe odd years, like 2013. Olympics, World Cups, U.S. Presidential and Midterm elections fall in even years. No one is rushing to order a big screen for the 2013 World Baseball Classic. <\/p>\n

The \u201cFlavored News\u201d Theory:<\/strong> News stations are a business. They must deliver the news, but they must also deliver ratings. And so our news today is flavored, \u201csuper sized\u201d and seasoned to our own tastes. FOX News is sour to liberal viewers. MSNBC is a sugary-dessert, best consumed sparingly. CNN and NBC are slightly sweetened. And PBS serves up the starchy facts, arguably the best for you but a tad boring.<\/p>\n

\"American<\/p>\n

The \u201cMedia Catch-22\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Criticize\u00a0FOX\u00a0News\u00a0or MSNBC all you want, but the networks are only showing what viewers want to see. The Media Catch-22 is: to be better informed, Americans need high-quality, independent journalism; but\u00a0if news organizations want to stay in business, they need more sophisticated viewers. Put another way, viewers wish\u00a0FOX\u00a0News\u00a0would be more like PBS, but they do not watch PBS.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The \u201cWhy US Presidential Race Coverage Is Like Mario Kart\u201d Theory:<\/strong> In the Generation X & Y Nintendo childhood classic \u201cMario Kart\u201d, last place drivers will receive fearsome Lightning, Bomb, and Red (Targeting) Turtle Shells weapons to catch up to competitors. <\/p>\n

First place drivers, meanwhile, will receive relatively benign Single Banana Peels or Single Green (Non-Targeting) Turtle Shells. Nintendo\u2019s Mario Kart algorithm seeks closer races to keep users engaged. <\/p>\n

\"Mario<\/p>\n

Similarly, media networks seek closer political races to keep viewers engaged. Media networks dislike landslides, which are detrimental to ratings. As such, media networks will sensationalize non-sensational stories (e.g. Governor Chris Christie lauding President Obama in the wake of superstorm Sandy) and craft provocative political narratives (e.g. President Obama\u2019s listless first presidential debate spurred a \u201cRomney comeback\u201d). <\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Sports Theories<\/h2>\n

The \u201cWhy The Cubs Haven\u2019t Won The World Series Since 1908\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Too many day games. <\/p>\n

Wrigley Field did not install lights until the 1980s. The Chicago Cubs remain the lone major league team to continue to play most of their home games during daylight hours. After long sultry Chicago summers, the drained Cubs players are lights out by September. <\/p>\n

\"Sports<\/p>\n

The \u201cQuarterback Intangibles\u201d Theory:<\/strong> The multi-Super Bowl Champion QB’s with the “intangibles” are the too-cool-for-school, never rattled ones. They include: Joe “Is That John Candy?” Montana, California Cool Tom Brady, and Eli “Goofy Looking But Still Clutch” Manning. Meanwhile, the prodigiously talented but frenetic, micro-managers such as Peyton Manning, Brett Favre, and Dan Marino succumb to the bigger moments and fail. <\/p>\n

\"Peyton<\/p>\n

The \u201cTrading Major League Pitchers\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Always trade pitchers from the American League into the National League (no Designated Hitter, softer teams). Never vice versa to the American League (Designated Hitter, Miguel Cabrera, LA Angels offense). <\/p>\n

The \u201cYou Should Be Able To Put Fantasy Football Championships On Your Resume\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Winning your Fantasy Football Championship requires a 4 month devotion in the most cut-throat of leagues. It is a weekly tug between the mind (and Yahoo Fantasy Football Projected stats) and the heart (starting Reggie Bush in Week 16). It requires the even-keel equanimity to drop favorites (Michael Turner) and add on unknowns (Alfred Morris). What employer would not want these qualities in an employee?\u00a0<\/p>\n

The \u201cLosing Fantasy Football Playoffs\u201d Theory:<\/strong> You can never truly be aggravated over losing anything that starts with \u201cFantasy\u201d. <\/p>\n

The \u201cHow Not To Dive Into Frozen Bodies Of Water\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n