{"id":136994,"date":"2013-01-23T13:00:14","date_gmt":"2013-01-23T18:00:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=136994"},"modified":"2014-01-19T12:17:32","modified_gmt":"2014-01-19T17:17:32","slug":"best-theories-volume-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/01\/23\/best-theories-volume-3\/","title":{"rendered":"The Best Theories On Everything (Volume III)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Please see The Best Theories On Everything (Volume I<\/a>) and (Volume II) here<\/a>. <\/p>\n

The \u201cDiscretionary Spending\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Don’t buy things (electronics, clothes). Buy experiences (travel, concerts).<\/p>\n

The designer jeans will fray. The next (barely-improved) iPad will come out in six months. But that diving with whale sharks memory will last forever.<\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

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The \u201cManti Te\u2019o\u201d Theories<\/h2>\n

The \u201cManti Te\u2019o, The Romantic\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The \u201cManti Te\u2019o Draft Stock\u201d Theory:<\/strong> While Manti Te\u2019o\u2019s NFL draft value plunges, Manti Te\u2019o\u2019s fantasy value soars at an all-time high. <\/p>\n

The \u201cBoss Theory\u201d:<\/strong> There are bosses you do not want to make mad, and there are bosses you don\u2019t want to let down. <\/p>\n

You will work much harder for the latter. <\/p>\n

The \u201cAmerican School Summer Vacations Are Too Long\u201d Theory:<\/strong> America\u2019s lengthy school summer break dates back to Victorian times where the children were needed back home to tend to the fields. <\/p>\n

The year is 2013. Our massive summer breaks\u2014while delightful to students and hosting grandparents\u2014are an anachronism in a hyper-competitive, interlinked world of seven billion. The world, as Thomas Friedman put it, is flat. <\/p>\n

The U.S. ranked 25th in math, 17th in science, and 14th in reading worldwide, and continues to fade. Each summer, as Singapore and Shanghai students learn advanced mathematic, ours learn Disney channel lineups. <\/p>\n

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The Technology Theories<\/strong><\/p>\n

The \u201cOpen Versus Closed Technology\u201d Theory:<\/strong> In the long run, open (E.G. Android, Wikipedia) always beats closed (E.G. BlackBerry, Microsoft Encarta Encyclopedia). <\/p>\n

In the long run, tech collaboration scales firewalls. <\/p>\n

The \u201cWhen I Was Your Age, I Had To Walk 20 Miles In The Snow\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Stop! <\/p>\n

Every generation will have nicer things than their predecessors. If the latest innovations did not boost your quality of life, they would not be the latest or most innovative anything.<\/p>\n

Our parents scoff that we\u2019re spoiled because we have iPhones. Decades from now, our (spoiled) children will scoff we didn\u2019t have wireless power.<\/p>\n

The \u201cJust Dance 4 Video Game\u201d Theory:<\/strong> You cannot teach old dogs new tricks. You can also not teach an old dog \u201cJust Dance 4\u201d in a quest for fleeting Youtube immortality. <\/p>\n

(Trust me, I tried.)<\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

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The \u201cTechnology Is Mainstream\u201d Theory:<\/strong> In the 1960s-1970s, our parents were Rolling Stone Guys or Beatles Girls. <\/p>\n

In the 2000s-2010s, we are Mac Guys. Or he\u2019s a PC. We tout iPhones or Droids. (Though never BlackBerries.) <\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

The \u201cFacebook\u201d Thesis:<\/strong> You know those moments when you see a friend at a restaurant by chance? Or biking on the street some evening at just that moment? It\u2019s called serendipity, and Mark Zuckerberg is obsessed with the concept. Because he doesn\u2019t believe those random meetings are all that random at all. He believes they happen all the time. We just don\u2019t notice.<\/p>\n

But on the Internet, you can notice those chance encounters. And so Mark Zuckerberg is on a quest. He\u2019s on a mission to give the entire Internet a Like button. He envisions a friendlier, more recognizable cyberspace scuffed up everywhere with your friends\u2019 footsteps. <\/p>\n

Google and Bing sift through data and make their own recommendations within nanoseconds. But they missed the point, Zuckerberg insists. You really only care about what your friends care about. It doesn\u2019t matter to you if a million people enjoyed that Bud Light Super Bowl commercial. It only does if five of your friends did. (Even if your parents never did quite get Facebook.)<\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

Facebook is our collective fridge door to post birthday reminders and what\u2019s for dinner. It\u2019s our constantly-updating reminder that our friends and families care. The hook of Facebook is not so much that we like \u201cModern Family\u201d or funny cat pictures. It\u2019s that our friends like that we like them.<\/p>\n

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The \u201cHow To Never Be Sick Ever\u201d Theory:<\/strong> V8 tomato juice and the gym every day. I have not been sick in over three years as a result. <\/p>\n

Disclaimer:<\/em> I have also never been a doctor.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * * * * *<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

The \u201cAmerican Empire\u201d Theories<\/strong><\/p>\n

The \u201cAmerican Empire Ranking\u201d Theory:<\/strong> The longevity of empires is declining. The Roman Empire spanned 1200 years. The British Empire is eking out a half millennium. America turns 237 years old this July, and the cracks are showing.<\/p>\n

The span of Empires, however, is growing. Rome made the Mediterranean its lake. The sun never set on the British Empire. The American Empire turned the world (and the moon) into its TV room. <\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

The \u201cLegacy Of The American Empire (I Hope)\u201d Thesis:<\/strong> No matter how the dust settles, America\u2019s unalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness will stand the test of time as unconscionably right and just. <\/p>\n

The American Empire was not the most progressive of global powers. Winston Churchill once teased, \u201cYou can always count on Americans to do the right thing \u2013 after they\u2019ve tried everything else.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

Yes, she lagged generations behind her older European siblings on social issues (see: slavery, universal suffrage, civil rights, and now gay marriage). But when she came around, America knew with a conviction and bulldog tenacity the world had never seen before. <\/p>\n

In all, I simply hope when all is said and done, history will remember America as the empire that (generally) used its right to make might. Not the other way around.<\/p>\n

The \u201cWorld War IV\u201d Theory:<\/strong> As Told By Albert Einstein, \u201cI know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The \u201cArtists\u201d Theories<\/strong><\/p>\n

The \u201cWhy I Have Justin Bieber\u2019s Back\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Justin Bieber makes catchy (though girly) songs about believing in yourself. Nothing more, nothing less. Justin Bieber is a self-made immigrant raised by a single mom now living the American Dream. He was plucked from Youtube anonymity and vaulted into the Prince of Pop. He has the slickest dance moves since Michael and is also phenomenal on vocals, drums, and the piano. <\/p>\n

Yes, The Biebs is cockier now, smokes, and is snappier with the paparazzi. But he remains the most poised 18-year-old banking $55 million a year of all time. I only hope the TMZ-Twitter glare does not burn this one out, too.<\/p>\n

The \u201cModern Day Celebrity\u201d Theory:<\/strong> It has never been easier to be famous for being famous. (See: Kardashians, The. Mainly: Kim.)<\/p>\n

The \u201cTwo Prodigal Burn-Out\u201d Theories:<\/strong> <\/p>\n

i) As Told By Movie Director Sidney Pollack: \u201cTalent is liquefied trouble.\u201d <\/p>\n

ii) As Told By Greek Mythology: Icarus. He who flies closest to the sun gets burned. <\/p>\n

The \u201cMost Professional Looking Font To Use On School Papers\/At Work\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Garamond. (Times New Roman is highly overrated.) <\/p>\n

More Sports Theories<\/h2>\n

The \u201cAmerican Sports Jock Justice\u201d Theory:<\/strong> We don\u2019t forgive so much as forget with a title or two. Awe us enough on the field, and we\u2019ll spot you a Mulligan for your misdeeds off it. Call it jock justice. Or the American sports fan way. But ask Ray Lewis. Or Kobe. Tiger may need Jack Nicklaus\u2019 record for true redemption, but the galleries (and TV advertisers) roar like the olden days when he charges on the back nine Saturdays.<\/p>\n

Because, the truth is, we want to watch history more than morality plays.<\/p>\n

\"Best<\/p>\n

The \u201c3 Reasons Why There Are No Real U.S. Sports Dynasties Right Now\u201d Theory:<\/strong> <\/p>\n

1) Better scouting and more granular game-tape study shrinks competitive disadvantages,
\n2) Better athletes trained from younger and younger ages,
\n3) Lavish TV deal money allows more mid-market teams to buy up free agents.<\/p>\n

The \u201cWhy Baseball Is Our National Pastime\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Baseball\u2019s juiced mashers received Congressional subpoenas. The NFL\u2019s juiced masher (Shawne Merriman, the Chargers\u2019 once-feared now Bills\u2019 forgotten defensive end) received the Defensive MVP.<\/p>\n

And Finally, The \u201cHow Not To Defend A Soccer Throw-In\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n