{"id":137300,"date":"2013-02-13T12:00:41","date_gmt":"2013-02-13T17:00:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/?p=137300"},"modified":"2013-11-13T16:27:59","modified_gmt":"2013-11-13T21:27:59","slug":"best-theories-volume-five","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.prosebeforehos.com\/cultural-correspondent\/02\/13\/best-theories-volume-five\/","title":{"rendered":"The Best Theories On Everything: Volume V"},"content":{"rendered":"

Please see The Best Theories On Everything Volume I-IV here<\/a>. <\/p>\n

The \u201cDon\u2019t Care So Much\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Stop caring about other people\u2019s perceptions so they\u2019ll like you more. Start not caring about other people\u2019s perceptions, and they\u2019ll like you even more. You\u2019ll even like you more. <\/p>\n

In the words of Robert Frost, \u201cFreedom is moving easy in the\u00a0harness.\u201d<\/p>\n

Or, in the words of every 21st century rapper, \u201cHaters gonna hate.\u201d<\/p>\n

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The \u201cRegret\u201d Theory:<\/strong> (Most) people regret not what they did, but what they did not. As the saying goes: if you don’t go, you\u2019ll never know. <\/p>\n

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The \u201cSmart Phone Irony\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Theories<\/p>\n

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The \u201cDon\u2019t Sleep So Much\u201d Theory:<\/strong> When Bill Clinton was a student at Georgetown, his professor lectured that great people conditioned themselves to sleep 4-5 hours a night. The simple reason being: you get more done. Bill Clinton applied the theory in his dorm room that night and remembered it well during his famous all-night pizza-fueled meetings at the White House.<\/p>\n

When asked about his success, Arnold Schwarzenegger mused, \u201cSomeone out there at the same time is working hard, someone is getting smarter, remember that! I\u2019ve always figured out that there are 24 hours a day, you sleep 6 hours. That means you have 18 hours left. I know that some of you out there answer: \u2018Wait a minute I sleep 8 or 9 hours\u2019. Well, then sleep faster I recommend.\u201d <\/p>\n

Warning:\u00a0The Bill Clinton & Arnold Schwarzenegger Sleep Schedule is not to be confused with the Bill Clinton & Arnold Schwarzenegger Sleeping Around Schedule.<\/em><\/p>\n

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The \u201cDon\u2019t Have A Bad Day\u201d Theory:<\/strong> As told by my 5th grade English teacher Mr. Walker, \u201cDon\u2019t think of bad days as bad days. Think of them only as material you\u2019ll laugh about someday.\u201d<\/p>\n

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The \u201cWhy I Could Never Be A Sports Writer\u201d Theory:<\/strong> February<\/p>\n

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The \u201cManti Te\u2019o Is Getting A Bad Rap\u201d Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Theories<\/p>\n

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The \u201cChurch Is A Bigger Santa Claus\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Our parents introduced us to Santa Claus as an all-knowing babysitter of sorts. Until we realize Santa Claus is simply a story made up by our elders, we will behave. <\/p>\n

The church introduced us to God, as an all-knowing babysitter of sorts. Until we pass away\u2026 (and no one can realize God is simply a story made up by our elders so we will behave.) <\/p>\n

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The “Pope Benedict XVI Resignation” Theory:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Theories<\/p>\n

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THE DINING THEORIES<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

The \u201cTable Seating\u201d Theory:<\/strong> A young Brian Williams was on a class trip to Rome, where his class had the honor of dining with the pope for dinner. A young Brian Williams realized the pope would sit at the head of the table and thus chose his seat accordingly. <\/p>\n

It\u2019s all about the table seating, a middle-aged Brian Williams remembered. The team bonding lunches. The network schmooze fest. Sit as close to the boss as you can and start talking. An older Brian Williams now sits behind the desk of two NBC shows. <\/p>\n

The \u201cCauliflower\u201d Theory:<\/strong> As told By Mark Twain, \u201cCauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.\u201d <\/p>\n

The \u201cStop Ordering The Same Thing\u201d Theory:<\/strong> I love the chicken parmesan. You love the chicken parmesan. But if in a new locale, order their local dish. <\/p>\n

You may not enjoy the crawfish or sea urchin as much as the chicken parmesan. But you\u2019ll know for the rest of your life what crawfish or sea urchins tastes like. <\/p>\n

The chicken parmesan will always be there.<\/p>\n

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THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES THEORIES<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

The \u201cBest Of The Ninja Mutant Ninja Turtles\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Donatello, a.k.a. the purple one. <\/p>\n

Donatello instilled much-needed smarts and technical ingenuity into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles outfit. Raphael was the rabble-rousing troublemaker who didn\u2019t care and should always be respected for such. Michaelangelo was \u201ca party dude\u201d, the orange-bandana\u2019d comic relief and front-lining clown who snagged the photo-ops.<\/p>\n

The entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle operation would collapse without Donatello\u2019s mechanical prowess. <\/p>\n

The \u201cWorst Of The Ninja Mutant Ninja Turtles\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Leonardo. He was \u201cthe leader\u201d. That\u2019s it. No distinct or memorable personality. Simply the steady-handed blue-bandana\u2019d leader. <\/p>\n

\"Theories<\/p>\n

The \u201cTeenage Mutant Ninja Creators\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Two guys are now preposterously wealthy because they got drunk in a weather-beaten Greenfield, Massachusetts bar, doodled on bar napkins, and hooked the entire Millennial Generation on overgrown turtles. And not just any turtles; sewer-dwelling ones who were proficient in karate and Japanese weaponry, named after Italian Renaissance painters and who received council from a sage rat master (Splinter) as well as visits from a cute yellow-coated news reporter (April). <\/p>\n

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THE ENTERTAINMENT THEORIES<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

The \u201cTwo Types Of Movies\u201d Theory:<\/strong> There are movies you look at (Avatar<\/em>, Titanic<\/em>, or just basically anything by James Cameron), and there are movies you watch (Basically anything by the Brothers Coen). And then there are movies where you do both (Inception<\/em>, basically anything by Christopher Nolan). <\/p>\n

\"Theories<\/p>\n

The \u201cMost Gifted Performer Of Our Time\u201d Theory:<\/strong> Jamie Foxx. <\/p>\n

See:<\/em> The Oscar for Ray<\/em>; The Grammy for “Gold Digger” with Kanye West. See Also: Django Unchained<\/em> for Jamie Foxx as righteous bounty-hunter; Any Given Sunday<\/em> for Jamie Foxx as pompous electrifying quarterback; Youtube for Jamie Foxx\u2019s Shaq impersonation<\/a>.<\/p>\n

See Also Also:<\/strong> Jamie Foxx, the pianist, making The Brady Bunch<\/em> theme song sexy:<\/p>\n