#1. Novelty Boxer Shorts <\/p>\n
Unless the woman you\u2019re trying to seduce has a fantasy about fucking a clown, there\u2019s no reason to ever be wearing underwear covered in images of Snoopy and Charlie Brown. \u201cBut it\u2019s a holiday theme!\u201d Terrific, but that doesn\u2019t change the fact that the girl I\u2019m undressing in front of is now trying to decide whether to fuck me or read me a Bernstein Bears story. <\/p>\n
#2. Whatever \u201cFor Dummies\u201d book pertains to the career I\u2019m actively pursuing <\/p>\n
I know that certain scientific laws make it impossible to give gifts that aren\u2019t tangible like \u201crunning\u201d or in this case, \u201cspitting in my face,\u201d but I must say, you\u2019ve come close with your choice to give me this, \u201cFor Dummies\u201d book. I know you don\u2019t understand what I do for a living, but just because Michael Douglas didn\u2019t pay for a limo to drop me off at the party you shouldn\u2019t assume that I\u2019m failing miserably. Your lack of faith wouldn\u2019t be more obvious if you just gave me a job application to Wal-Mart. <\/p>\n
#3. The DVD first season of some short-lived, completely forgettable show <\/p>\n
There is absolutely no reason anyone (including Andy Griffith) should ever need to have instant access to any specific episode of Matlock. Is this one where Matlock wastes the court\u2019s time to make reference to his love of Southern cooking or is it the one where the black guy goes to a seedy bar and uses his street smarts to wrangle information? The whole point of daytime television is to bore people into canning the \u201cI\u2019m sick\u201d bullshit so they can get back to work. <\/p>\n
#4. The gift from the out of touch relative who thinks I\u2019m 2 decades younger than I actually am <\/p>\n
A vintage Star Wars lunch box! Oh neat, it even snaps shut so there\u2019s no way my sandwich, chips, or chances of ever having sex again will fall out. Perfect. I\u2019ll set it on top of that dresser I keep my baseball cards in. Honestly, if I didn\u2019t use my penis to urinate, your gifts would make me forget that I have one. <\/p>\n
#5. The Obvious Last-Minute Gift <\/p>\n
Forgive me if I can\u2019t honestly believe that your intention a month ago was to get me a porcelain cat figurine for Christmas despite my never owning a cat and even going out of my way to express my intense hatred for cats. We\u2019ve all been there, but next time you\u2019re picking up a gift for me at the gas station on the way to my house, go ahead and just grab some beer. And if you don\u2019t mind grabbing the mail on the way in, I\u2019d love that too. <\/p>\n
#6. The really small gift card for the big, expensive store <\/p>\n
Wow, $10 to Barney\u2019s New York! Now if I can just scrape together another 10 out of my own pocket, they\u2019ll let me lie on the floor while the night janitor urinates on my chest and face. <\/p>\n
#7. Any type of donation being made in my name <\/p>\n
Even though I think Karma is merely a way to keep morons from enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesn\u2019t work like a gift card. In other words, I can\u2019t do something nice and have the Karma points be added to your account. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, just help me build this brick wall in front of the hooker I\u2019m about to have sex with. <\/p>\n
#8. Christmas decorations <\/p>\n
Gifts that offer a type of delayed satisfaction are fine when it\u2019s something like concert tickets. However, giving someone a Christmas decoration as a gift on Christmas will make people hope aloud that you didn\u2019t drive yourself there. In fact, it\u2019s so ridiculous; it actually creates feelings of sadness and pity rather than disbelief. Your friends and family will wonder if you even know how the holiday works. Some might even wonder why you didn\u2019t just take it to the max and hand out coupons offering to help shovel dirt onto their coffin after they\u2019ve passed away. <\/p>\n
#9. Involvement in any type of office gift swap thing <\/p>\n
Whoever declared that the process of a 2-hour exchange of gag gifts was funny needs to slip back into their coma for a few more years. \u201cOh ha! You got me a half a deck of playing cards and I got you Fun Dip! Hilarious!\u201d The only reason assholes like Scrooge make their employees work late on Christmas Eve is because from 10am to 3pm, those same employees were pissing away company money with trivial gift exchanges. Wrapping up boxes of paper clips and handing them out as gifts isn\u2019t entertaining. It\u2019s a sign of Alzheimer\u2019s. <\/p>\n
#10. A starter set for some obscure hobby I have zero interest in and am pretty sure you also have zero interest in. <\/p>\n
Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury I\u2019m going to have soon and don\u2019t know about yet? If ever the day arrives that I\u2019m reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days puttering around the backyard with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and then blow my fucking brains out. <\/p>\n
#11. Any gift that serves as an attempt to include me in whatever cultish fad you\u2019re currently wasting your time with. <\/p>\n
Yes, I\u2019ve heard of The Secret and honestly I\u2019m glad you\u2019ve found something to momentarily distract you from the fact that your job is slowly driving you to suicide and you\u2019re about a spilled drink on the couch away from your third divorce. However, because I don\u2019t see you often enough to warrant showing any real concern with your life, please realize that it\u2019s just easier for me smile and nod in response to whatever cup of poisonous Kool-Aid you happen to be drinking at the moment than to give you my honest opinion. All I ask is that you just leave me the hell out of it. I\u2019m pretty into porn, but you won\u2019t see me trying to throw that at you\u2026except for redtube.com. It\u2019s pretty impressive with the search engine and what not. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
#1. Novelty Boxer Shorts Unless the woman you\u2019re trying to seduce has a fantasy about fucking a clown, there\u2019s no reason to ever be wearing underwear covered in images of Snoopy and Charlie Brown. \u201cBut it\u2019s a holiday theme!\u201d Terrific, but that doesn\u2019t change the fact that the girl I\u2019m undressing in front of is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1421,1420,1419,1418,1417,1416],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n