Jean-Paul Sartre’s Cooking Diary

–October 3
Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.

–October 4
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.

–October 6
I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.

–October 10
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
–Tuna Casserole
—Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
—Instructions: Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.

While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated.

–October 25
I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.

–November 15
Today I made a Black Forest gateau out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word gateau. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but would not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.

–November 30
Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker’s wrist. The beaver’s powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America’s favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.

–December 1
I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.

Acting president of Cuba, Raoul Castro, has enlisted the help of world-renowned Kazakh television reporter, Borat Sagdiev to promote plans to improve Cuba’s transportation system. Borat, of course, is well known for spurring an activist movement in his own country with the song, “In my country there is problem…”

Raoul has always been impressed with the fast pace of development in this Central Asian republic and marvels at both the newly formed transport system, as well as the number of Jews thusly thrown into wells. Let’s hope that Borat can help to bring about the same type of changes in the communist state of Cuba.

Raoul Castro Urges Transport Plan

A newly appointed manager of a chocolate shop had to flee his job after branding the town a “s***-hole” online.

Steve Beall was moved from his home town in the North East to run the new Cafe Thorntons in the shipbuilding town of Barrow-in-Furness, Cumbria, two weeks ago.

But he kept an online diary, or blog, on the popular Myspace.com website - branding his new home “rough and boring”.

After news of his comments became known, locals descended on the shop - and the police had to be called. Beall, 20, has now left his post, and the boss of the chocolate firm has made a grovelling apology to the town.