February 2012

You know what gets me excited about the 2008 Presidential election? That the leading Republican candidate, none other than John Bamboo McCain, doesn’t know that a fucking condom prevents the spread of HIV. And no, I’m not kidding:

Q: Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “You’ve stumped me.”

Q: “I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?”

Mr. McCain: (Laughs) “Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.”

Q: “But you would agree that condoms do stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Would you say: ‘No, we’re not going to distribute them,’ knowing that?”

Mr. McCain: (Twelve-second pause) “Get me Coburn’s thing, ask Weaver to get me Coburn’s paper that he just gave me in the last couple of days. I’ve never gotten into these issues before.”

Another well-informed politician to represent a well-informed constituency! And before I jump into the next blog, I want to recommend that people check out “War of Ideas” by PBS Frontline, an excellent documentary about the rise of Arab media. From this comes one of the better quotes I’ve heard in a while, “America has never been perceived as more isolated and less influential… the reality is that America’s position is undermined and nobody needs to understand that more than Americans.” That quote came from an anchor on Al-Jazeera English, which is ironically not on any American cable or satellite packages because a right wing group has been directly lobbying television providers that showing Al-Jazeera will encourage suice bombers. And you know, they’re right, because if you show news programming with a different perspective, the terrorists win:

The American people do not want Al-Jazeera International in their homes or businesses. In fact, a recent poll revealed that 53 percent of people oppose Al-Jazeera International, while only 29 percent support the channel. Unfortunately, the Bush Administration has not responded quickly enough to the rise of Al-Jazeera International, and it was recently reported that the network will launch on November 15, though at this point there are no U.S. cable companies that have announced plans to carry it. When asked to comment on the new Al-Jazeera, Wadah Khanfar, Director General of the Al-Jazeera Network, stated ominously, “The new channel will provide the same ground-breaking news and impartial and balanced journalism to the English speaking world.” Indeed, Khanfar sardonically supports Kincaid’s assertions that Al-Jazeera International and the Arabic Al-Jazeera are entirely similar. Kincaid warns that this issue is of the utmost importance, and if Al-Jazeera makes waves on American cable, then the possibility of suicide bombers in America could lurk close behind.

Mmm mmm mmm, smells like America, irrational policies, backwards constituency, and a duty to push capitalism left and right. But ignorance is bliss, and so are double D’s. Just keep electing Machiavelli’s inbred children and maybe you’ll one day get that magical underwater city you always dreamed about.

{ 1 comment }

Kids, if you really want to piss off your parents, buy real estate in an imaginary place.

He’s touring with RJD2, I’m having a hipster moment in my pants.

{ 0 comments }

Holy christ, this is painful to watch — it’s MC Karl Rove dancing to Diet Eminem at the Press Club Dinner, the annual Washington DC event where all the uptight white protestants with power (read: executive branch) get all humble and ‘down’ with the slightly less uptight but more spineless white protestants (read: media — and you thought I was going to say Democrats, didn’t you!). When Alberto Gonzales and Rove slow dance, who takes the lead?

{ 1 comment }

We’re excited to say that we managed to get a great response to the first part of this series, as it was featured on one of DC’s hottest morning shows: Kane in the Morning on Hot 99.5! So back by popular demand is our Travel Special: Land of the Sheep.

The investigation into the backers of GodTube is not yet completed, but we do expect to bring new and exclusive information to you soon, so “don’t touch that dial” as they say in radio land.

Today I’d like to invite my followers into the Church of the iPod. Our pastor is teaching the theology of the iPod and Apple. Specific topics include creating trendy trinkets, wasting countless dollars on materialistic consumer goods, and listening to Christian Rap. This guy has a winner. Apparently this is a 30 second spot for an actual sermon series that took place last year in Houston. Rock on GodTube!

{ 4 comments }

There’s no tip-toeing around this one lightly.

It’s a clip from a Japanese game show in which contestants must watch other Japs try to learn English, and whoever laughs first gets a lashing and is ejected from the show. Good old fashioned family entertainment!

{ 0 comments }

Finally, my PROOF! God, I needed this. All of my friends have been all up in arms about ‘science‘ this, ‘science‘ that. Well I don’t NEED science, I got G-O-D on my side. And he is tall and white and has not yet committed adultery or molested a child as proven by a jury of his peers. So you know what, all you HIGH and MIGHTY thinkers, science may be all ‘factual’ and ‘proven’ and ‘thought out’, but I only need one FABLE, and that’s the Bible. God’s word, spoken straight through the mouth hole of a bastard Jew child who liked carpentry. I mean, what makes sense, a 2000 year old super hero or tested ‘theory‘ and ‘science‘? Jesus is the best, and if you don’t think so, he’ll poke your eye out and kick Allah in the testicles at the same time.

{ 11 comments }

This week the travel editor will be comin’ at ya like Cleopatra as your shepherd into the Land of Sheep. Thanks to our good friends over at Shoutmouth for cluing us into this layup of a story.

First, the background. There’s a new social video service, a la YouTube out there on the block named GodTube: Broadcast Him. To date, we’re unsure of the specific financiers of the station although the initial media buzz surrounding this story has reportedly been sponsored by conservative powerhouse, FOXNews. As soon as we have a few minutes, you can guarantee we will be conducting a full expose into the real backers, but until then, we’ll just let you wonder (Ted Haggard’s meth sponsored penance?)

Each day we’ll be bringing you a sampling of some of the great stuff we find there. Don’t be scared that you won’t enjoy it if you aren’t a devout Christian. But DO be scared that it’ll start forcing you to think about the goddamn issues and pick up a bible. Whether you like it or not.

Here’s our first clip, a derivative on one of my favorite tracks of all time. We’ll call this one: Baby Got Bible. Choice lines include: “So ladies… Ladies… Do you wanna save people from hades?” And after watching this, DEFINITELY.

{ 23 comments }