I don’t know how so many people go straight from high school to undergraduate school and then from undergraduate school right into grad school. Not to mention the freaks who decide to get PhDs right out of undergraduate school or an MA program. That’s almost all of your 20s! Ack! Hell, I don’t know how people go to undergrad for a fifth year. I’m one of the few people I know who’s graduating in four years, and I’m going out of my goddamned mind trying to finish this last one – and it’s only the first semester! I think to myself several times per day, ‘fuck 18th century French literature, I’m going to become a stripper!’ Then I think back to my recent, disastrous attempt at creating Porn Star Nails (long, shiny and square painted with really obvious white tips) and realize I’m not cut out for all that bleaching and waxing and filing.

Then I think, because I’m already on the subject of pubic hair and my desire not to have to wax it off, that there are millions of products on the market designed to remove pubic hair, but none that I know of dedicated to its upkeep. I’m fairly certain regular shampoo and conditioner probably aren’t good things to smush around near your private area, meaning someone needs to invent something hypoallergenic and…I don’t know, genital-safe.

So, you read it here first, folks. I’m quitting school to dedicate myself to pubic hair entrepreneurshipness.

Now the big question is, what I should call my product? Pubeshoo? WiryNoMore? Pubisoft?

Also, comment with your suggestions as to what I should be for Halloween. The choices are: Wonderwoman, a Mexican soap opera star, Jennifer Tilly’s character from Bound (I have someone willing to be my Gina Gershon, which will make it slightly less confusing and random) or George Sand. I’m leaning toward George Sand because it would allow me to buy and use a cigarette holder, vest and poufy 19th century man’s shirt.

I await your responses, oh faithful readers of the Internets!


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  1. Kit says:

    I like Ms Sand, she’s sassy.

  2. alec says:

    I don’t know who those people are. I need more popular cultural references — why not be Cartman, or Pamela Anderson?

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