Let’s get some shit straight about conspiracy theory, bro

We need to talk man.

Every time we meet up you tell me if I watch the grainy video of Tower 5 on 9/11, I’ll see little men in black pajamas running up and down with plastic explosives right before the whole thing comes crashing down.

But I don’t see it, bro. Sorry. Never have. Know what I see? A burning fucking building that requires precision architecture to stay standing, which it can’t do when its integrity is shot all to fuck from a total structure fire that it was never designed to handle.

And look dude.

I know you think the International Monetary Fund, the Word Trade Organization, the Federal Reserve and the G-20 are just fronts for the Illuminati, a secret organization that is systematically destabilizing the globe in order to bring about an evil, totalitarian one world order.

But that’s not the way it works, dog.

I promise you for every great event that transpires as a result of some maniacal plot, there are a hundred that just fucking happen.

Yup. It’s that plain and simple. They just fucking happen, usually as a result of pure human stupidity and random chance.

More often than not you need to fear the evil you see right in front of you. The one that’s using lame ass euphemisms to make its despicable ideology more palatable, but in the end is not really working too hard to hide its demented agenda.

The human brain is wired to find patterns in everything, homeslice.

That’s why you might think swine flu is really a designer virus strategically released in Mexico to distract the world from something nefarious, but really, it’s just a pissed off planet trying to kill us as a species in the process of checking our evolutionary mechanisms.

I know, it’s pretty dope thinking there’s just one big guy who controls everything with his massive cock on the boat wheel of the world. That’s comforting. And you think maybe one day after you’ve perfectly triangulated all your conspiracy theories you’ll find the mastermind, and when you discover he’s a vampire you’ll kill him and assume his power before the great council makes you high king of the immortal overlords. Yeah.

I get it.

But that world doesn’t exist, killa.

Never did. Life might feel a lot more boring without all that stuff, I understand. In the trivial and mundane chores of your ordinary existence you might get depressed at the casual banality with which life is extinguished and created or empires rise and fall.

You might need to have a little existential crisis while you get over this shit, bro. It’s cool. I’ll be there for you while you work things out. I got your back like that.

But you do gotta work it out, dude, ’cause if you don’t stop bombarding me with all these dumbass conspiracy theories every time we talk, we gotta quit being homies, yo’. Alright?

-The Internet


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  1. alec says:

    Aren’t all conspiracy theories borne out of one’s disempowerment in greater society? IE The less control people perceive they have over their own life, the more likely they are to perceive that elements outside of their control are the work of grand, secretive cabals.

    Plus, wasn’t the Holocaust a movie made up by Steven Spielberg?!

  2. gabe garcia says:

    Bold and insightful post; The authors clarity on this issue of rational activism and the truth it brings to bear on the prospects for the future give us all reason for hope. The question is: Are people ready to hear the good news yet? I for one AM!

    Way to go, we’ re all behind you, and were all in this together.

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