The 25 Best Simpsons Quotes, Moments, And General Hilarity

Simpsons Hippity Hop

18. Take the Zeppelin to Prussia, and say hi to the Bismarck for me:

Burns: Yes, I’d like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?
Post Office Employee: Uh, I better look in the manual. This book must be out of date: I don’t see “Prussia”, “Siam”, or “autogyro”.
Burns: Well, keep looking!

19. Like Urkel!

Homer: The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice… like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night… like Urkel!

20. You’ve never had your pants grabbed off by friendly beavers?

Carl: Oh no! He’s going over the falls!
Lenny: Oh good. He snagged that tree branch.
Carl: Oh no! The branch broke off!
Lenny: Oh good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks.
Carl: Oh no! Them rocks broke his arms and legs.
Lenny: Oh good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him.
Carl: Oh no! They’re biting him, and stealing his pants.

21. McBain Explains Woody Allen:

McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I’m a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

22. What is there to do without cable TV?

Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please, do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Wiggum: [checking under the covers] Well I’ll be damned.

23. Paddlings.

Jasper: Talking out of turn…that’s a paddling. Looking out the window…that’s a paddling. Staring at my sandals…that’s a paddling. Paddling the school canoe…ooh, you better believe that’s a paddling.

portrait of an ass grabber simpsons quotes24. The man in the White House doesn’t care about sexual harassment:

“Ashley”: No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature.
“Homer”: I don’t care. [runs it over]
“Homer”: Now I’m going to grab me some sweet.
“Ashley”: No, Mr. Simpson, that’s sexual harassment. If you keep it up, I’ll yell so loud the whole country will hear!
“Homer”: With the man in the White House? [laughs] Not likely!

25. Sweet sweet Mooooon money

Royce: That’s the miracle of the franchise. You get all the equipment and know-how you need, plus a familiar brand-name people trust. You’ll be on a rocket-ride to the moon! And while you’re there, would you pick up some of that nice, green moon money for me — Royce McCutcheon!
Homer: No deal, McCutcheon, that moon money is mine!

Bonus Clips:

The Blurst Of Times

The Best Of Homer

And if you enjoyed these hilarious Simpsons quotes and moments, check out our other posts on hilarious Homer Simpson quotes and the funniest Simpsons quotes ever!

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  1. Daniel says:

    What a great list. I’m also a huge fan of the Simpsons (also particularly seasons 5-10) and I wanted to share a few of my favorites (most involve burns). I could go on forever, so I’ll leave it as short as possible:

    Lenny: Dental plan!
    Marge: Lisa needs braces!

    Bart: Allow me to read to you from my play: ‘Kippers for breakfast Aunt Helga! ‘s it St Swivens Day already?’ ”tis!’ replied Aunt Helga.

    Mr.Burns: Use the amnesia ray!
    Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
    Mr.Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you’re finished.

    Burns: You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste

    Burns: Smithers, have the Rolling Stones killed.

    Burns: I thought I’d chauffeur myself this evening.Yes, that’s what I thought. How difficult could it be? I’m sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix.

    Burns: You call this Postum? You call this a tax return? You call this a super computer?

    Burns’ Grandfather: The Japanese!? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?
    Burns: If only we had listened to that young man instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

    Sea Captain: Arh, not a quarter! He’ll be dancin’ for hours!

    Lionel Hutz: Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
    Marge: But it’s 10:30 in the morning.
    Hutz: Yeah, but I haven’t slept in days.

    Scorpio: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
    Homer: Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.
    Scorpio: Don’t call me that. It’s Mr. Scorpio, but don’t call me that either. Call me Hank!

    Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”

    • Olly says:

      Homer: Hello, my name is Mr Burns, I believe you have a letter for me?
      Clerk: OK Mr Burns, what’s your first name?
      Homer: I don’t know.

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  7. tim says:

    Carl : aren’t you guys going to ask me about my hat?
    Lenny: what’s with the hat?
    Carl: oh what…this thing?

  8. Jesse says:

    Moe: Ooooh, ‘garage’ la de dah
    Homer: Why? What do you call it.
    *pause*
    Moe: Car hole.

  9. Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. [paused shot of Homer grows larger] No, Mr. Simpson, don’t take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! Mist — Mr. Simpson — nooo!

  10. Evans says:

    Notice how all these quotes are from before season 8 or so. The Simpsons just aren’t the same any more…

  11. SomeGuy says:

    Some of these are from the same episode. I suspect lazy journalism!

  12. Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back … unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog.

  13. Matt says:

    I’ve just visited about 20 different web pages that mention great Simpsons quotes and I can’t believe I haven’t come accross this one yet:
    Innocent child on stage in front of all the parents: my ding-a-ling my ding-a-ling I want you to play with my ding-a-ling
    Skinner as he yanks the child of the stage: this sketch is over!!

  14. aaronin2d says:

    Moe: You shoulda thought of that before giving me the ol’ sugarmedo.

  15. aaronin2d says:

    Martin: Here’s a tip, put a pinch of sage in your boots and all day long a spicy scent is your reward.

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  18. Stephen says:

    I always loved, “Next on Wings!… eh, who cares?”

  19. Vito says:

    “I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute!”

  20. […] The 25 Best Simpsons Quotes And Moments | Prose Before Hos […]

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