Thoughts of the Average American

“The violent deaths of untold thousands of anonymous brown people disturbs me, but I have a televised sing and dance competition to watch.”

“The role of ideologically-driven shadow groups dictating public policy does not bother me”

“That non-threatening colored person running for public office has a nice smile, but I will surely never vote for him.”

suburban suck babe mom

“All of this talk of fraud and abuse of power makes me uncomfortable. I need more sexual predators to direct my hate and anger towards.”

“Ever since 9/11 occurred roughly 1500 miles from my place of residence, the idea of people with different skin pigmentation makes me nervous.”

“I believe the national politician when he says the easiest way to combat terrorism is by bombing poverty-stricken civilians in a far away place.”


“Homosexuals and science belong in California and Massachusetts.”

“The invisible outer space superhero of my monotheistic belief system is the best.”

oh boy, bennigans

“A life of willful ignorance of my government’s indiscretions is the life for me.”

“An extra-marital affair between two consenting adults is a more impeachable offense than falsifying intelligence to create a regional conflict.”

“When it comes to rational and intelligent discourse, I look to the two screaming people on the national news program.”

“I blame untold millions of foreigners for a stagnant economy and unemployment, rather than an underfunded education system and the mass exodus of multinational corporations from American soil, facilitated by mass funding and corruption of the political system.”

“I don’t care how much it makes sense for my family, I do not want universal health care.”


“A long life of monotonous work has been quickly placated by the commercial with melodramatic music featuring fictional characters I’ve learned to experience my life through.”

“Surely the only way to inform people weary of our global ambitions of our good intentions is by branding their religion as violent and backwards and trampling on their culture as much as possible.”

“I am glad there is finally a fair and balanced media outlet that will pro-actively reinforce my judgments and stereotypes.”

“The discomfort and cognitive dissonance I live with in this country is easily washed down with water mixed with high fructose corn syrup and genetically modified food.”


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  1. […] I highly suggest you check out “Thoughts of the Average American” on PBH and Obama the Magic Negro on Disgraceful and Sexy.  Great pieces of American […]

  2. chloe says:

    it’s only funny until you leave the country and realize how true all of this is…

  3. Ablogistan says:

    Thoughts of the Average American

    “The violent deaths of untold thousands of anonymous brown people disturbs me, but I have a televised sing and dance competition to watch.” “The role of ideologically-driven shadow groups dictating public policy does not bother me” “That non-threa…

  4. rage says:

    The comedy is that America sees herself as progressive. The tragedy is that this is the truth and the reality of regressive, repressed, repressive, frightened, misguided, ignorant, shallow, arrogant, selfrighteous, abusive, anti-intellectual, intolerant, bigoted, coniving, simply fascist America. THE REAL America. The lost America.

  5. um, no says:

    Rage, America sees HIMSELF as progressive. Let’s be honest with ourselves. Don’t insult women.

  6. Ragin' says:

    Truth to power!

    If only that evil Bu$hitler McChimpyburton and EVIL LORD ROVE hadn’t brain-zapped 51% of the ignorant, bigoted, racist, sexist, voters in this abomination of a country and FORCED them to vote for him. Actually, they rigged the voting machines. Anyway, the point is that it’s Amerikkka.

  7. Thoughts of the Average European? says:

    “Of course I can see that the Euro-style welfare state is unsustainable! Will I do anything to reform it? Mais non! Let the brown people we import from Africa to exploit worry about it. If we end up not liking them at any point in zee future, we can just have one of our traditional European genocides and cull them all!”

  8. Kit says:

    America, FUCK YEAH.

    Actually the French just elected a reform candidate in Sarkozy, say goodbye to the 35 hour work week you crazy bastards.

  9. um, yes says:

    You’re absolutely right, all women are enlightened beings held down only by the machinations of the patriarchy!

  10. Kit says:

    Sanjay is an enlightened being held down by the machinations of the patriarchy

  11. kaye says:

    This is all so unamusing. What progress are you making by scorning people who are obviously just backward (but believe their backwardness is the only way to avoid the derailment of society)? The John Stewart smirk poltic is so tired. Think of yourself as progressives? Then forget the stagnant ones. I’M A FECKING COMMUNIST HERE AND I URGE YOU ALL TO QUIT MOCKING THE BOURGEOIS BULGE LIKE A BUNCH OF BOHOS AND TO GET RADICAL. You trendy bunch of anal gazers.

  12. Kit says:

    Kaye: That’s totally rad, where can I sign up for the pizza parties and moltovs? Also, could meetings be pushed to 9PM? I need my Colbert fix.

  13. alec says:

    Sorry, I was too busy hocking loogies on people from my ivory tower — what did you say??

  14. Word of the Day says:

    Workers of the world unite!

  15. John H. says:

    “Thoughts of the Average American, as Written by a Typical State College Sophomore.”

  16. alec says:

    All you could give us was sophmore college student? Wait — public or private school?

  17. Kit says:

    State college – public school :-/

  18. TL says:

    Regarding the “Aids cures fags” picture, the Phelps family is a radical cult that does not represent the average right-wing fanatic, much less the average American. The suggestion is not only in bad taste, but also not even that funny.

  19. hamsterloveday says:

    TL– Let me enlighten you with some quotes from out revered leaders in the US of A, all in the wake of the AIDS crisis in the gay community in the 80s and 90s:

    “AIDS is God’s judgement of a society that does not live by His rules.” -Jerry Falwell, TV televangelist

    “It is patriotic to have the AIDS test and be negative.” -Cory Servaas, Presidentila AIDS Commission

    “The logical outcome of testing is a quarantine of those infected.” -Jesse Helms, U.S. Senator

    Homophobia is the American way!

  20. MiddleAmericanVolvoDriver says:

    It’s Ok that i reside in ________(insert middle American state)________, because i’ve slept on couches in New York and/or LA, I talk loudly about both indie film and indie music, I know at least three blogs that i can post on anonymously and talk shit on the people that live in the closest proximity to myself.

  21. Kit says:

    MiddleAmericanVolvoDriver: I like the cut of your gib, would you like to write for a Minor League Blog publication with aspirations of the Big Leagues? If you can differentiate Iowa from Indiana with at least 4 ironic comments, you win the Indie Prize of the Week, which I believe is syphilis. Anyways, please write to [email protected] if you are interested.

  22. erich says:

    Simple. In Iowa our meth-labs run on ethanol. We are also conservatives as a huge F-you to our farmer parents, or we are liberals as a huge F-you to all the townies in Ames, instead of the other way around. And in Iowa, we don’t believe in levees, we will just rebuild bitches, because we are hard core. There is of course no 4th difference, because I’ve lived in New York for the past 13 years, and I have learned that everywhere outside of NYC (where we are all worldly, and open minded) is exactly the same, a steaming pile of fat stupidity.

  23. Kit says:

    Ah, in Indiana we run our meth labs on failed lottery tickets and broken dreams. We believe in Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, unless Steve can hit the 3 and Adam can run the motion offense. We believe in simplicity, like always voting Republican for president. It makes things easier in the long run, and we can vote for 3rd party candidates without worrying that we are taking votes away from the Democrats because the Democrats basically are a 3rd party when it comes to president.

  24. […] they’re a personal favorite of mine. Check out Thoughts of the Average American, Part 1 and Part 2, followed by Soliloquy from Anonymous Middle […]

  25. […] by the way, to Gawker, for putting up our Thoughts of the Average American in their Blogorehea feature (we’d have it no other way!). For other hilarious exposes, check […]

  26. alec says:

    Update: Adam and Steve can run the motion offense, except for it’s Tim Tebow and he spends his nights making queer love to Jesus.

  27. […] Years Ago, Kit on PBH: We believe in Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, unless Steve can hit the 3 and Adam can run the […]

  28. ??? ?????? says:

    ??? ??????…

    Thoughts of the Average American – Prose Before Hos…

  29. Hellow…

    I saw this really great post today….

  30. Ryan Trapalis…

    More or less I don’t read article on blogs….

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