Thoughts of the Average American During Christmas Season

How long do I have to wait for the next 9/11? I could really use a good clearance sale.

If the Wall Street overlords are ever to make it out of this recession with their vacation homes, I must take on more crippling debt.

The true meaning of Christmas is overwrought consumerism to placate our strained familial and social ties that have entirely degraded into pecuniary relationships.

Who needs health care when there is high definition television to be watched?


I’m only participating in Black Friday if there are no actual black people involved.

Give me liberty or give me extra fries with that.

God only gives gifts to white people who worship the Constitution or the Pope.

Holiday Miracle: Turn water into savings!

Listen kids, if the elf at the mall looks as queer as he did last year, we’re not going. You’ll just have to send Santa letters at the North Pole.

Christmas is when a mythical flying man bestows upon the rich children the gifts they so rightfully deserve, and charitably gives out coal to the poor children, so they can enjoy their putrid squalor in warmth.


The successful advancement of gender equality can only be attained by the purchase of revealing underwear with risque messages for my 10 year old daughter.

Once again, the collusion of Jews and Mexicans has destroyed the sanctity Christmas.

Buying things I can’t afford makes me forget that my existence is but a means to someone else’s profit.


I don’t care how many people had to live impoverished lives to provide me with cheap electronics and low-quality trinkets. Gimme gimme gimme!

The Lord Jesus rose from his grave into the iPod accessories aisle of Best Buy, and said to his apostles “Oh yey faithful, won’t you consider an extended warranty?”


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