The Mormon Diaries, Chapter 3: Mormon Night Football
It was serene first quarter. Poetic, almost. Cynical East Coast atheist and naïve Utah Mormon united out of schadenfreude for the Jacksonville Jaguars. I told Russell to look away when that Danica Patrick GoDaddy.com commercial came on. He shared Captain Crunch and erudite insights on the NFL:
E.G. [On the Atlanta Falcons playing the Houston Texans]: “Isn’t it cool that two primary colors—red and blue—are playing each other?”
“… Why?”
“I dunno, man.”
Russell also didn’t know it was wine I had been drinking the whole time. He simply thought I loved Hawaiian punch and everything Jon Gruden. The Hangover Part 2 on Blue Ray DVD commercial blared.
“I can download it if you want.”
“Thanks, man” Russell started. “But I’d rather wait for it to come on cable. That way it’ll be edited.”
“Are you—” I pacified myself with another long swig of what appeared to be Hawaiian punch.
It was a heinous game. A blowout by the third quarter. Chock-alk full of Jaguar missed tackles and busted coverages. Gruden and Turico are already grasping for garbage time filler. So are we.
I have eleven minutes of conversation material in me on a good night. Three minutes if it’s not about sports. This is not a good night:
“So… Who is, like, the biggest Mormon celebrity? Besides Mitt Romney.”
“Hmmm… Glenn Beck.”
“Ehhhh,” I slur. “I wouldn’t go around telling people that.”
“Well, David Archuleta. You know, from American Idol.”
“Nah.”
“Christina Aguilera’s parents are Mormon… She’s not though.”
Russell thinks for a minute. Ryan Matthews gashes the Jags’ linebackers for another big gain.
“Kirby Heyborne. But he kinda lost it.”
“Who?”
Kirby Heyborne was the Mormon Golden Boy. The angelic, blonde locked model splashed across every Missionary billboard alongside highway I-15. The squeaky clean star of such Mormon comedies as RM and The Best Two Years. (Admittedly, it’s a weak league.) But then he went to the Dark Side: He starred in a Miller Lite commercial.
The ad may not seem risqué to you. But to the Church of Latter Day Saints, it was the equivalent of Matt Damon turning to porn. BYU banned him from campus. To folks like Russell, “It was like finding out Santa Claus wasn’t real.”
Heyborne went on the defensive. He had a family to feed. He prayed to God and Miller Lite responded. “People may be upset that Heavenly Father sent a beer commercial my way,” Heyborne said. “But [my wife and I] were so thankful. We know that Heavenly Father is taking care of us.”
The door opens, and I’m 16 years all over again. The Mom’s back, and she’s livid. She doesn’t say it, but her eyes do: Why are you still here? And I’m the problem child son. Overstaying my TV time. Secretly boozing. Corrupting the neighbor’s kid.
“Hey Russell, want some Hawaiian punch?”
You’re a dick.
You’re not a dick.
Well, I enjoyed every sip of that.
You can go to hell, no Mormons there.
Chuckle. That took two sips to get.
Oh, wait. *I* have a Mormon story too.
During the off-time weekend of a business trip I found myself
in Salt Lake City, so, primed on punch (can’t remember if I had any weed) I took a tour of the Mormon temple. The only part I remember all these many decades later is the part where the tour guide dropped a pin while standing at the other side of their cavernous chapel. And you could hear every nuance. Can you hear me now?
I must have been naive back then. NO, I *WAS* naive back then in my twenties. At the end of the tour they had a questionaire to find out, wink, wink, what you thought of the tour. The questionaire also asked for your phone number.
Does Mormon equal naive? If so, I hadn’t had the Mormon knocked out of me yet.
Are you kidding me!! I actually gave my real phone number. And you just know what popped out of the phone receiver a week later when I cheerfully (cheerfully – is that Mormon also?) answered, “Hello”.
Naive, cheerful and UNFRIGGIN UNassertive. How hard was it for me to say, “NO!”. Or even a cheerful, “No, thank you”. Gad, yep I must have been part Mormon back then and thus ripe for my Seven Lessons.
That is right, with “Hello” out jumps through the phone receiver clean, white shirted, smiling, cheerful Mormon young adults. And your Seven Lessons.
“Seven Lessons?”, you ask. Yep, they come over to your house/apartment SEVEN times to discuss the reading lesson you did that week.
Ok, seven is survivable, but the abyss nearly opened up under my feet. After the Seven they invited me to visit their local, not far enough away, neighborhood temple. “No!”, “NO!”, “NOOOOO!!!”.
Any normal person whould say “no”. Am I right? Did I say, “no”?
No.
Can’t believe that is me I am remembering about all those decades ago. I know it was though.
Well, the light was shining on me, or some seagull, for there is a happy ending.
I was dressed up (white shirt I bet and too much cologne) waiting for my ride to the temple to arrive and…and…no one showed up. Heavens be praised. Actually they arrived an hour late. There had been a screw up at the temple apparently and the people *my* mormans had handed me off to forgot me.
Well, my roommate answered the door when they finally did arrive. I clearly remember this. My roommate was shirtless and his shock of red hair was not confined to the top of his head. He stood there at the door towering over them like a Scottish heathen naked warrior in a brooding silence as they profusely apologized for having forgotten me. (They were too naive to make something up, like, “our car broke down”. Nope, they forgot me.)
They forgot me. I didn’t know this set of mormons and so I found it very easy to act offended. I know for certain I was actually overjoyed. Offended I could do. Saying “no”, guess that was hard way back then, but offended was easy because it was appropriate and expected. Their demeanor said I was expected to be offended, and so I was. THANK GOD. They departed the front walk with their tails between their legs under the guarded stare of my carrot mopped roommate.
Too bad your story is fake- Mormons don’t give tours of the temple. Faulted from the beginning….
To start Ryan Matthews plays for the Chargers and you claimed it was a Falcons Jags game. You’re probably on the cusp of middle class leaning towards lower middle class. Mormons typically have their function within their church (as it is well accommodated) and a majority of the mormon community is quite affluent. The reason their tends to be lower class mormons is so the parents of those children can have a better chance of pulling them out of poverty, if it means placing a restraint on there personal urges in public and the mormon clique than more power to them. Personally I despise mormonism, but I despise you more for mocking a religion you don’t understand and watching a sport you most likely are not cut out for. Have a good one.
What’s underneath the magic Mormon underwear? – Exposed http://www.squidoo.com/mormon-church