Blogging & Crying

One week away from computers and I feel disorganized, detached, and unsure of the world ahead. How am I supposed to know what to think and feel if I don’t have the constant stream of blog diarrhea pouring its wisdom directly into the ol’ medulla oblongata.

Thankfully, I’m back and blacker than ever. It was April Fool’s day, and hopefully you noticed some ultra-disturbing images and thoughts canvasing PBH (more so than usual). The most important being, of course, Portrait of a Young Man as a Republican. Now, I’m not one to judge people, but this Matt Sanchez guy is too much. If you don’t remember, he was the conservative boy hero honored at CPAC, only to be later revealed he was formerly a gay porn star. Yes, a gay porn star honored in the bowels of a conservative political conference. And if this wasn’t enough, he apparently also conned donors of $10k to support his deployment to Iraq. I’m thinking he probably brought some tear sheets featuring him doing the nastiest homosexual doggy style a man could dream of, just to, you know, bring some wonderful American culture to Iraq.

In other farcical worlds, we had the privilege of watching soulless McCain v2.0 ‘walk casually‘ through an Iraqi market. Afterwards, he proclaimed that Iraq was safe for all and that real progress was being made. But how is your mark of progress a heavily guarded photo-op at a site attacked only 30 minutes after he left? Only if you’re John McCain, too busy cozying up with the part of the Republican base that stomped your testicles in 2000 to realize no one cares or likes you anymore.

Other important artifacts of the blog world include an elaborate underground labyrinth to store delicious marijuana, 10 hot steamy facts about Einstein not including his moral shortfall of endorsing Zionism, see what a woman looks like with a lot of makeup (the serpent seducers way of preying on males), never ever believe a waiter who says restaurant, be disgusted by nerds, stop ruining our housing economy with your SUV’s, and when you hate God, do it in the friendliest way possible.

the reality is that America’s position is undermined and nobody needs to understand that more than Americans

You know what gets me excited about the 2008 Presidential election? That the leading Republican candidate, none other than John Bamboo McCain, doesn’t know that a fucking condom prevents the spread of HIV. And no, I’m not kidding:

Q: Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “You’ve stumped me.”

Q: “I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?”

Mr. McCain: (Laughs) “Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.”

Q: “But you would agree that condoms do stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Would you say: ‘No, we’re not going to distribute them,’ knowing that?”

Mr. McCain: (Twelve-second pause) “Get me Coburn’s thing, ask Weaver to get me Coburn’s paper that he just gave me in the last couple of days. I’ve never gotten into these issues before.”

Another well-informed politician to represent a well-informed constituency! And before I jump into the next blog, I want to recommend that people check out “War of Ideas” by PBS Frontline, an excellent documentary about the rise of Arab media. From this comes one of the better quotes I’ve heard in a while, “America has never been perceived as more isolated and less influential… the reality is that America’s position is undermined and nobody needs to understand that more than Americans.” That quote came from an anchor on Al-Jazeera English, which is ironically not on any American cable or satellite packages because a right wing group has been directly lobbying television providers that showing Al-Jazeera will encourage suice bombers. And you know, they’re right, because if you show news programming with a different perspective, the terrorists win:

The American people do not want Al-Jazeera International in their homes or businesses. In fact, a recent poll revealed that 53 percent of people oppose Al-Jazeera International, while only 29 percent support the channel. Unfortunately, the Bush Administration has not responded quickly enough to the rise of Al-Jazeera International, and it was recently reported that the network will launch on November 15, though at this point there are no U.S. cable companies that have announced plans to carry it. When asked to comment on the new Al-Jazeera, Wadah Khanfar, Director General of the Al-Jazeera Network, stated ominously, “The new channel will provide the same ground-breaking news and impartial and balanced journalism to the English speaking world.” Indeed, Khanfar sardonically supports Kincaid’s assertions that Al-Jazeera International and the Arabic Al-Jazeera are entirely similar. Kincaid warns that this issue is of the utmost importance, and if Al-Jazeera makes waves on American cable, then the possibility of suicide bombers in America could lurk close behind.

Mmm mmm mmm, smells like America, irrational policies, backwards constituency, and a duty to push capitalism left and right. But ignorance is bliss, and so are double D’s. Just keep electing Machiavelli’s inbred children and maybe you’ll one day get that magical underwater city you always dreamed about.

Bareback Neo-Con Gangbang… mmm mmm good.

It’s been another fun week of White House intrigue in the blog-o-sphere. With Iraq entering it’s 5th year and Alberto Gonzales lubbing up his neck for the political guillotine, I’m feeling the heat all the way from Farragut Square. I even took an extended lunch break in Lafayette Park, right behind the White House, hoping to catch Tony Snow getting a rim job from a gay prostitute. Alas, it was not to be! But then again, there’s more and more chatter from the right about how they feel betrayed by their once ideal second coming of Reagan/Jesus.

BETRAYED! By the White House! Conservatism in America isn’t a legacy of arrogant and inhumane foreign policy, backwards beliefs in regard to women’s rights or religion, thinly veiled racism and homophobia or being reverse robin hoods! No, they wanted oh-so much more:

“We are conservative scholars, activists and writers. We do not favor a crippled executive or enfeebled government. In a time of danger, checks and balances make for stronger government because the people will more readily accept a muscular authority if barriers against abuses are strong. If at some future time Congress, in turn, aggrandizes power and invades the executive or judicial domains, we will be equally alert to sound the alarm. But today, the clear and present danger to conservative philosophy is the White House,”

Wah wah! I got gang-banged by Bill Kristol and Douglas Feith and all I got was this lousy case of Zionist Herpes! and jingo journalism!

Frankly, I’m tired of the whining. I want more sexy scandals and pictures of Lindsay Lohan. More reality TV shows! More Alberto “They Still Let My Kind Add Random o’s to WASP Names” Gonzalez please! More hot Michael Vick herpes stories!

Double D Distractions

What a life! It’s been a few weeks since Anna Nicole Smith died, and miraculously, I’m still alive. Someone call Jesus or the mainstream media, because I am hearing far too much fuss about the ‘war’ (whatever that is) and not enough about Anna Nicole Smith. Because reporting on a blonde with a drug problem and double D’s is far, far more courageous than reporting on a corrupt, inept administration and the war they created. I mean, come on media, can we at least get a full-frontal of the corpse? I’m masturbating to my imagination here.

Which brings us to my second point, and one already made astutely by Griperblade — can’t we just buy Iraq? Can the World Bank and IMF bum America a loan for a couple of trillion bucks and employ everyone in that Allah-forsaken country to make salsa and package Nelly Furtado records? I mean, if I were a heathen destined for eternal fire, the least I could do is serve my Christian corporate overlord masters before they take the shiny Enron escalator to heaven!

I’m not saying let’s bail out of Iraq and Afghanistan — I’m not one of those pussy ass Northeast liberals who spends their time sucking Kosher Ivy league dick and crying about why I blew that i-banker in the bathroom for a bump. No, I’m a real American who lives his violence, as long as it’s on TV or YouTube. I don’t need some ugly bean-eating son of a bitch turned Presidential candidate getting all weak in the knees about torturing the bad guys or a puffhead who likes divorce almost as much as he loves homosexuality.

No, I like my America the way it is, thank you very much. I like my wars manufactured, my God vengeful and imaginary, my computers fruity and afeminite, and my countries human rights abuses neglected and ignored. Oh, and of course, my racism going around in a circle at a carnival (seriously — what the shit??).

Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, attack the moon

You know who else needs a good sense of humor? The city of Boston. Fuck! You blew it. You got fooled by cartoon characters with their middle fingers up. Bruce Schneier, a security expert, has an excellent post entitled “Non-Terrorist Embarrassment in Boston”, that pretty much sums up mine and a lot of other people’s feelings about the matter:

The story is almost too funny to write about seriously. To advertise the Cartoon Network show “Aqua Teen Hunger Force,” the network put up 38 blinking signs (kind of like Lite Brites) around the Boston area. The Boston police decided — with absolutely no supporting evidence — that these were bombs and shut down parts of the city.

Now the police look stupid, but they’re trying really not hard not to act humiliated:

Governor Deval Patrick told the Associated Press: “It’s a hoax — and it’s not funny.”

Unfortunately, it is funny. What isn’t funny is now the Boston government is trying to prosecute the artist and the network instead of owning up to their own stupidity. The police now claim that they were “hoax” explosive devices. I don’t think you can claim they are hoax explosive devices unless they were intended to look like explosive devices, which merely a cursory look at any of them shows that they weren’t.

But it’s much easier to blame others than to admit that you were wrong:

“It is outrageous, in a post 9/11 world, that a company would use this type of marketing scheme,” Mayor Thomas Menino said. “I am prepared to take any and all legal action against Turner Broadcasting and its affiliates for any and all expenses incurred.”

The major media outlets have been fooled on two occasions: a) they haven’t exposed that confusing a major metropolitan police department is the equivalent of winning a dodgeball game against a team filled with the mentally retarded b) they got punked by the marketers of the night brights. The real besting done was by the perpetrators who insisted on talking about nothing but hair in the press conference proceeding their court appearance.

Two men accusing of placing electronic advertising devices around the city in a publicity stunt that stirred fears of terrorism and shut down parts of the city were released from jail Thursday, apparently amused with the prank.

Peter Berdovsky, 27, and Sean Stevens, 28, were released on $2,500 cash bond after each pleaded not guilty to placing a hoax device and disorderly conduct for a device found Wednesday at a subway station. They waved and smiled as they greeted people in court.

Outside, they met waiting reporters and television cameras and launched into an unusual discussion of hair styles of the 1970s.

“What we really want to talk about today — it’s kind of important to some people — it’s haircuts of the 1970s,” Berdovsky said.

While searching for my local Wizards, and thanks to the magic of BLOGS, I’ve finally, after all these years, been able to learn about the relationship between Harry Potter and Jews, coming from some weirdo who we can assume actually (GASP) believes in religion. And it’s not the cool one where you get presents when Jeebus flew to outer-space, either:

This item also started a couple of trains of thought rolling. First, there’s the issue of those of my co-religionists who object to reading the Harry Potter books from a halachik standpoint. I can respect – though I personally reject – the Jewish viewpoint that shuns all secular literature and culture across the board, from Harry Potter to Halloween, from Shakespeare to the Sopranos. While I personally disagree with this isolationist approach on many levels – intellectual, religious, and emotional – I can acknowledge that it is at least self-consistent. However, I believe those authorities who prohibit reading Harry Potter in particular, while allowing secular books in general, are severely misinformed.

First off, JK Rowling has missed out on a HUGE demographic. You know, the kind of people that have nothing better to do then take pride in make believe ideas about cultural and social identity? Also known as: since I do nothing in my life that makes me a worthwhile person, my fill-in-the-blank heritage can serve as a meaningful substitute — plus check out this hilarious monkey hat I wear to show it off!

The point is that all future novels, movies, and works of art need 5 black guys, a Jihadist, a Jihadist that raps, a white woman, a Chinaman(with a calculator and self-help book on Jewish wealth), with all of the preceding getting ready to lynch whatever Caucasian male has dutifully oppressed them. (By the way, if you’re one of the 50 people who read this blog and also happen to run ‘elie-expo’ — this is all in good humor and innocent bad taste, unless of course, your monkey cap blocks out all sense of sarcasm and you’re too busy burning anyone who criticizes Israel).