Delicious Liberal Mucus For Sale

Who needs civil liberties? I’ll tell you who: those damn jew media types, the liberals, the war haters, the terrorists, and the homosexuals. Basically, Communist Nazi’s who are waiting to take der jobs or der freedoms. And what freedom would I be talking about? Oh, you know, the freedom to start a falsified war against another country and then chill out in it’s nations capital without having to be answer ‘questions’ or other ‘ideas’ made up by the liberal intellectuals that want to destroy said freedoms.

Do you get where I’m going? Yes, it’s the alternate dimension of sarcasm land, where all my liberal pretenses are covered by a thick layer of cynical mucus. Yes, I do have vats of the cynical mucus available for purchase. And no, it will not get rid of your blemishes or substitute for lubrication.

To finish up, my Top 20 Posts from the ProBlogger Day 3 & Day 4 Top 5 Entries

1. 5 Things Every American Should Have Before Discussing Politics
2. Top five reasons why ‘Ignorance is bliss’
3. Top 5 Real Reasons Venezuela Kicked Out the IMF
4. Top 5 Reasons Your Girlfriend Shouldn’t Act Like Your Mom
5. Top 5 Drunk Celebrities Caught on Video
6. Five Unforgettable Roger Clemens Moments
7. Why Bill Gates can’t get no respect.
8. Top Five Ways to Discern Between Humans and Zombies
9. Top Five Deadly Sins
10. I Fly Free & Get Paid To Have Sex
11. Top 5 Things Nicole Richie is Going to do when Paris Hilton Goes to Jail
12. 5 Reasons Why You Are Fat
13. Top 5 reasons more black bloggers are needed
14. The Top 5 Best Ways To Advertise Your Blog If You’ve Only Got $10
15. Top 5 Willie Nelson Political Causes
16. Top 5 Porn Searches That (Mistakenly) Lead to My Blog — and Why That’s a Good Thing
17. Top 5…and a Half…Aspects of Blogging That Piss Off A 5 Year Blogger
18. Top 5 Things to Avoid Saying to a Lady
19. Top 5 Science Experiments On Cats
20. Top 5 Worst Things They Do In Movie Sequels

Rudolph the Red Nosed 9/11 Reindeer

Rudolph 9/11 Guiliani:

“We see only the oppressive side of authority. Maybe it comes out of our history and our background. What we don’t see is that freedom is not a concept in which people can do anything they want, be anything they can be. Freedom is about authority. Freedom is about the willingness of every single human being to cede to lawful authority a great deal of discretion about what you do.”

[ Interruption by someone in the audience. ]

“You have free speech so I can be heard.”

Mr. Guiliani lives in a sensible world, where everyone obeys, people keep their heads down, and the policemen get armored vehicles! Because nothing says freedom like not having any, right Rudy (at least he believes in evolution though)? If you’re interested in more terrible quotes from the wonderful power hungry madman seeking office, checking Seminal’s 8 Awful Quotes from 2008 Candidates.

Thanks, by the way, to Gawker, for putting up our Thoughts of the Average American in their Blogorehea feature (we’d have it no other way!). For other hilarious exposes, check out Jon Stewart taking down Nancy Grace, ThinkProgress has Rep. Poe Quoting Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard On House Floor, and D.C. Call Girls Found ‘Shock and Awe’ Author, Mr. U., to Be ‘Unpleasant’.

Short PS: Here are my top 10 favorite articles from ProBloggers Top 5 Group Writing Project:

1. The Top 5 Reasons Why Barack Obama Could Be The Next President
2. Top 5 DC Things To Do This Summer
3. Shut up and Write
4. The Top 5 Google Whores I Want To Meet
5. Top 5 Tips for the College Grad
6. Paris Hilton: The Top 5 Reasons for Driving While Disqualified
7. Top 5 Twisted Videos (but still OK for a 10 year old)!
8. Top 5 Youtube Movies that will Change Your Life!
9. Become Blog Worthy
10. Top 5 gym free exercises

Hey, free internet idiocy

You want to know why the internet is cool? Because everyone’s a fucking expert. Get a domain, post some flim flam, and you are officially source material for some poor college students thesis paper.

Take this rant on thelastpsychiatrist.com, leading you to believe that a legitimate psychiatrist is informing the general public with his or her BLOG. WRONG. Check out this fabulous piece, which descends into the nether regions of porn viewing, leading into grand yim yammering that concludes that the prevalence of porn and thus masturbation are leading to decreasing birth rates. Well guess what, rookie bi-yatch, the highest correlated variable for declining birth rates is EDUCATION. Specifically female education, and not the kind where there teacher penetrates them with a ruler. If you’re looking for more pontifications on subjects unknown by various anonymous electronic idiots, I suggest America’s Next Top Model Controversy: Glamorizing Violence Against Women? — because nothing says intelligence like charging around, fighting a battle already waged in the 60’s.

If you’re actually looking something interesting / intelligent to read on a blog (I know, it’s possible??), I suggest America Has Become “Politically Radioactive” on Atlantic Review or if you feel like contributing to a lost cause, poke Nancy Pelosi with calls for impeachment.

ive lost my ability to converse with original thought, its all blog roundup for me

In one of the more hilarious blogs I’ve read in a while is a ‘4/29 Truth’ website (referring to the bridge in California that was supposedly melted and destroyed on April 29th). Check out this choice quote:

Unlike the World Trade Center, the 580/980/880/80 overpass was reinforced against earthquakes and was not under the enormous compressive load that the towers were when they fell. The overpass was designed to support gridlocked traffic in an earthquake, but it collapsed without even a single car on it. The fire consumed only 8,600 gallons of fuel, whereas the WTC was allegedly brought down by 24,000 gallons of fuel. Does Governor Schwarzenegger really expect us to believe a story even more preposterous than the already-discredited official story about 9/11?To answer the question “Who is responsible for this terrible tragedy?” we must ask who stood to gain the most. George Soros? The California Department of Transportation? The Jews?

Of course, I’m not that silly — I blame a whole contingent of amorphous, ambiguous shadow groups from the liberal jew atheist media to the conservative oil corporate tycoons. Speaking of anti-Semitism, check out this wonderful clip of teflan racist/opportunist Al Sharpton talking about ‘jewing up numbers’ (what the hell does that even mean and who listens to Al Sharpton in the first place?).

Time for good news/bad news. Good news: there is a delicious Asian rip-off of Starbucks that will soon saturate the market and hopefully poison your pets. Bad News: Mitt Romney’s favorite novel is a Ron L. Hubbard book (Scientology and Mormonism combined?!?!). Good news: of 500 terrorist attacks in Europe in 2006, only 1 was carried out by Islamists. Bad News: Cops Admit To Planting Marijuana on 92 Year Old Woman Killed in Botched Drug Raid. Good News: there are plenty of rich women around that you can marry if you’re too much of a slob to make your own wealth. Bad News: trying to bomb an abortion clinic isn’t terrorism, it’s just a political movement.

Ultra-best good news: we got in our first blog scuffle with a bunch of uptight and unruly Democrats (because supporting Dennis Kucinich makes sense, RIGHT?).

PS. I still hate Bill O’Reilly (ignorant fans included), from Think Progress: A new study by Indiana University media researchers finds that Fox News host Bill O’Reilly calls “a person or a group a derogatory name once every 6.8 seconds, on average, or nearly nine times every minute during the editorials that open his program each night.” I wonder if they’re guilty of quoting him accurately?

African Americans for Bush and other farcical fairy tales

In case you’ve been living under a rock where access to blogs is minimal OR you have a real life outside of the internets (doubtful), the White House recently claimed to have lost millions of emails right before ALBERTO hit the stand at the Judiciary Committee. NeoMeme investigates other domains purchased by the Republican National Committee apart from the infamous GWB43.com (and for more background, check out Wonkette):

africanamericansforbush.com
arabamericansforbush.com
asianamericansforbush.com
catholicsforbush.com
conservationistsforbush.com
democratsforbush.com
farmersandranchersforbush.com
jewishbushteam.com
laborforbush.com
militaryfamiliesforbush.com
nativeamericansforbush.com
sportsmanforbush.com
wstandsforwomen.com

Woahhhh, that’s a LOT of minorities! I hope they all like repression, falsified heroes, being sent to Iraq, and booty dancing (take that, malaria)!

On to more obnoxious shit, check out this Valley Wag article on a 16 year old entrepreneur who wants to be a billionaire by age 25. The hook? Having an ebay like site where one can bid on services. The catch? She’s a big dumb bitch.

More obnoxious you say? Then how about Nancy Grace, who spent a year telling the world that every white male at Duke University was guilty of raping black women. The problem? She was wrong. Will she apologize? Doubtful.

And of course, thanks to Crooks and Liars for the lovely link to us and other excellent blogs at Mike’s Blog Roundup that fostered some interesting debate on our very own site (I subscribed to ways to get attention online). And speaking of Crooks and Liars, check out this wonderful Tom Tomorrow on Great Moments in Punditry: Four Years Later.