Author Archive

There’s a Handbanana! Good boy!

See, you don’t know what rape is like. For years, I thought it was funny. Oh, yeah, rape. It’s so funny. Until you been raped.

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Levels of Awkward

Awkward: Having a lactation room right next to the office cafeteria.

Awkwarder: Emerging from said cafeteria with a jug of milk only to bump into someone exiting the the lactation room.

Awkwardest: Immediately getting a raging stiffy from the whole encounter.

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A Love Letter To Reddit

Dear Reddit:

I love you. You are my sexy internet significant other. But this madness with the subreddits has got to stop before it destroys your relevance and usability.

Subreddits became a sexy solution when Reddit became overpopulated and divided among tastes and preferences (Namely the: I hate politics/Why isn’t every post about Ruby on Rails community). But the sexiness quickly died down because subreddits became so dichotomous — where the hell are you supposed to put up content that is funny, a picture, and a WTF? You can’t cross post to three subreddits, and you’re likely to get your posted deleted if it has anything political injected into the post. A lot of content has no home on the current Reddit set-up, which is both frustrating and debilitating to someone new to the community.

Further, the subreddits have led to an oligarchy of power and moderation. If you look at the top 10 most popular subreddits, they are moderated by the same 3 or 4 individuals. What’s worse is its become common practice to ban users and domains from subreddits without any cause or communication. So, if you become the target of one uber-moderators vindictive wrath (and trust me, there are some very spiteful fucks running the show), your chances of Reddit accessibility are dismal.

So, what is the outcome? The most popular subreddit, Pics, is somehow both over-moderated and yet the biggest purveyor of crap and duplicates on Reddit. Cross-posts and repeats become common place, thus increasing the homogeneity of content across the board. Likewise, the same couple of individuals are able to dictate content and control over the majority of Reddit.

This situation reminds me of Slashdot in 2002. At the height of its popularity, it decided to reign in its community system using a surface level democratic system of moderation and karma. But what really happened was more of a virtual feudal state, where the nobles of moderation debilitated creative content and destroyed the fabric of the community, driving off users in droves. I fear Reddit is on the verge of repeating Slashdots mistakes.

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Beautiful Hipster, Be Wild and Roam Free

I don’t know much about art, but this girl is creating it (via hipster ejaculate):

It was also around November that a guy named Troy was at Union Pool, the Williamsburg bar, when the bartender passed him a note from another customer. It read, “I want to give you a hand job with my mouth,” and was signed “Korean Abdul-Jabbar.” It was, according to Troy, from Ms. Ferrell. Another time, a patron at Fabiane’s, the café on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg, said Ms. Ferrell passed him a note which read: “I want you to throw a hot dog down my hall.

Basically, this girl has combined all of my joys into her own life, including:

1) Grifting
2) Vagabondage
3) Hipsters
4) Ripping off hipsters
5) Making love to hipsters
6) Holding hipster tea parties
7) Borf
8) Outlaw Mentality
9) Gangster Capitalism
10) Brooklyn

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My Application for Online Dating (will you be my valentine?)

My self-summary

I am lurking in the shadows of the Internet, silently stalking you as you glide motionless from page to page. Every binary footprint you leave behind I place gently and securely into my electronic scrapbook, kept safely next to my facebook in a keepsake chest next to the love poems I wrote you but never sent. I stare for hours into photos of your eyes wondering if you ever think about me, thinking about you. I’m sorry I could never love you like a real man. All I can do is dream tenderly these night time dreams of happiness with you, my once and future cyberlove.

What I’m doing with my life

Throwing it away into the meaningless abyss of tomorrow. Waited for you, but you never came. Heart stopped a long time ago, but my watch keeps ticking away the minutes and hours left in this loneliness. Night time came quicker today, the snows must be coming.

I’m really good at

* Smoke and mirrors, strategically placed at the foot of my bed to catch my best angles.

* Wasting time flipping bits, bytes, and words into meaning and motion

* Sophistry, and all the glory that comes with it

* Autoeroticism

* Backdoor beauty ?

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me

I don’t believe in Santa Claus or the toothfairy, so why should they believe in me? You see what you want to see behind your big bright rainbow eyes. I’m smiling at you, but you never notice, never take the time to look beyond your bright beautiful world full of bright beautiful people. I’m stuck here in the archipelago of my mind, swimming island to island never knowing why, but still never able to stay in one place or thought. No roots have I slithering down into the ground, nor am I lost – I only don’t know where I’m going.

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