The Best Theories On Everything: Volume One

Best Theories On Everything

The “Remote Control Guy” Theory: When entrusted with remote control privileges, after the primary show, your priority is to ensure guests never see a commercial (Excluding during Super Bowls). So, in tandem with primary show/game, pre-select a secondary channel (i.e. SportsCenter for bros) to flip to. (Note: The average commercial break is 2.5 minutes.)

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The “Is Your Friend Ready To Be Married?” Theory: If your friend asks, “So what’s the return policy on wedding rings at WalMart?”, he’s not ready.

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Drinking Theories

The “Tomorrow Morning You” Theory: When drinking, Tomorrow Morning You will always hate Last Night You.

The “Real Cure To Hangovers” Theory: Coconut water, a medicinal herb only legal for recreational purposes in the states of Colorado and Washington, followed by a hearty brunch.

The “Non-Alcoholic Drinking” Theory: Besides alcohol, don’t drink beverages with calories. Diet Coke instead of Coke. Vitamin Water Zero, instead of Vitamin Water. Or, ideally, just water.

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The “Getting Into Long-Lined Bars/Clubs” Theory: In a pinch, “I think I left my keys inside. Could I please go check real quick?” will often suffice. Especially if you are female.

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The Modern Media Theories

The Odd Year Theory: Media networks and electronic retailers loathe odd years, like 2013. Olympics, World Cups, U.S. Presidential and Midterm elections fall in even years. No one is rushing to order a big screen for the 2013 World Baseball Classic.

The “Flavored News” Theory: News stations are a business. They must deliver the news, but they must also deliver ratings. And so our news today is flavored, “super sized” and seasoned to our own tastes. FOX News is sour to liberal viewers. MSNBC is a sugary-dessert, best consumed sparingly. CNN and NBC are slightly sweetened. And PBS serves up the starchy facts, arguably the best for you but a tad boring.

American Media Theory

The “Media Catch-22” Theory: Criticize FOX News or MSNBC all you want, but the networks are only showing what viewers want to see. The Media Catch-22 is: to be better informed, Americans need high-quality, independent journalism; but if news organizations want to stay in business, they need more sophisticated viewers. Put another way, viewers wish FOX News would be more like PBS, but they do not watch PBS.


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  1. M. Alexander says:


    It says:

    “The “She Says, Nothing Is Wrong” Theory: She means, everything is. All hands on deck. We’re at DEFCON 5. ”

    That should say:

    “… We’re at DEFCON 1.”

    The system starts at 5 and progresses to 1 as the situation worsens.

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