The Best Theories On Everything: Volume One

Best Theories On Everything

The Communicating With The Opposite Sex Theories

The “She Asks, Does This Make Me Look Fat?” Theory: Smile sweetly and say, “Nothing could make you look fat.”

WARNING: Any variation from this answer may result in death by impalement.

The “She Says, Nothing Is Wrong” Theory: She means, everything is. All hands on deck. We’re at DEFCON 5. 

The “He/She Doesn’t Answer Your Call” Theory: Leave a text. Not a voicemail message. It never comes out well. And long rambling voice mails lead people to do crazy things. “Seinfeld” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” creator Larry David once broke into a girl’s apartment to delete a particularly meandering message.

Americans born after 1977 are allergic to voicemail. Text. And keep it short. Texting should be Hemingway, not Dickens.

But be careful:

Relationship Theories Text

The “He/She Doesn’t Answer Your 3rd Call” Theory: Move on.

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The “Protecting Your Facebook Privacy” Theory:

Facebook Privacy Theory

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“The Boarding & Deboarding Airplanes” Theory:

When boarding flights, board last. If an empty row presents itself before 36A does, seat yourself.

When leaving flights, stand up last. Everyone else inevitably jumps up, only to shift their weight impatiently for 3-5 minutes in the aisle.

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The Don’t Sleep So Much Theories

The “Stay Up Late” Theory: Stay up late. Always. The less compelling the reason, the better. “Mad Men” marathon at 12:27 AM? Watch. 2:31 AM ill-advised Waffle House run? Go.

These are the times when the “remember the time…” stories are minted. These are the times the memorable conversations happen. You’ll never remember the night you went to bed early and were well-rested in the weekly 9 AM meeting. You’ll always remember the late-night you saw Kanye West at that Waffle House.

The “Wake Up Early Anyway” Theory: Get up the next morning. Always.

When Bill Clinton was a student at Georgetown, a professor lectured great people conditioned themselves to sleep 4-5 hours a night. The simple reason being: you get more done. Bill Clinton applied the theory in his dorm room that night and remembered it well during his famous all-night pizza meetings at the White House.

Warning: The Bill Clinton Sleep Schedule is not to be confused with the Bill Clinton Sleeping Around Schedule.

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  1. M. Alexander says:


    It says:

    “The “She Says, Nothing Is Wrong” Theory: She means, everything is. All hands on deck. We’re at DEFCON 5. ”

    That should say:

    “… We’re at DEFCON 1.”

    The system starts at 5 and progresses to 1 as the situation worsens.

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