The Best Theories On Everything: Volume One

Best Theories On Everything

The “Why US Presidential Race Coverage Is Like Mario Kart” Theory: In the Generation X & Y Nintendo childhood classic “Mario Kart”, last place drivers will receive fearsome Lightning, Bomb, and Red (Targeting) Turtle Shells weapons to catch up to competitors.

First place drivers, meanwhile, will receive relatively benign Single Banana Peels or Single Green (Non-Targeting) Turtle Shells. Nintendo’s Mario Kart algorithm seeks closer races to keep users engaged.

Mario Kart Theory

Similarly, media networks seek closer political races to keep viewers engaged. Media networks dislike landslides, which are detrimental to ratings. As such, media networks will sensationalize non-sensational stories (e.g. Governor Chris Christie lauding President Obama in the wake of superstorm Sandy) and craft provocative political narratives (e.g. President Obama’s listless first presidential debate spurred a “Romney comeback”).

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Sports Theories

The “Why The Cubs Haven’t Won The World Series Since 1908” Theory: Too many day games.

Wrigley Field did not install lights until the 1980s. The Chicago Cubs remain the lone major league team to continue to play most of their home games during daylight hours. After long sultry Chicago summers, the drained Cubs players are lights out by September.

Sports Theories Cubs

The “Quarterback Intangibles” Theory: The multi-Super Bowl Champion QB’s with the “intangibles” are the too-cool-for-school, never rattled ones. They include: Joe “Is That John Candy?” Montana, California Cool Tom Brady, and Eli “Goofy Looking But Still Clutch” Manning. Meanwhile, the prodigiously talented but frenetic, micro-managers such as Peyton Manning, Brett Favre, and Dan Marino succumb to the bigger moments and fail.

Peyton Manning Sports Theory

The “Trading Major League Pitchers” Theory: Always trade pitchers from the American League into the National League (no Designated Hitter, softer teams). Never vice versa to the American League (Designated Hitter, Miguel Cabrera, LA Angels offense).

The “You Should Be Able To Put Fantasy Football Championships On Your Resume” Theory: Winning your Fantasy Football Championship requires a 4 month devotion in the most cut-throat of leagues. It is a weekly tug between the mind (and Yahoo Fantasy Football Projected stats) and the heart (starting Reggie Bush in Week 16). It requires the even-keel equanimity to drop favorites (Michael Turner) and add on unknowns (Alfred Morris). What employer would not want these qualities in an employee? 

The “Losing Fantasy Football Playoffs” Theory: You can never truly be aggravated over losing anything that starts with “Fantasy”.

The “How Not To Dive Into Frozen Bodies Of Water” Theory:

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Please check back for: The Best Theories On…Everything: Volume Two.


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  1. M. Alexander says:


    It says:

    “The “She Says, Nothing Is Wrong” Theory: She means, everything is. All hands on deck. We’re at DEFCON 5. ”

    That should say:

    “… We’re at DEFCON 1.”

    The system starts at 5 and progresses to 1 as the situation worsens.

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