The Best Theories On Everything: Volume Two

Best Theories Volume Two

Please see The Best Theories On Everything: Volume One here.

The “Liking Your Own Facebook” Theory: Liking your own Facebook status is the digital version of high-fiving yourself in public.

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The “#321 Drinking” Theory: “Never trust a man who doesn’t drink, he’s got something to hide.” Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.

(Working in Utah has been difficult.)

Best Theories Humphrey Bogart

The “Liberal Contradiction” Theory: I believe in a woman’s right to choose. I believe that allowing (mostly) wealthy white old men in Washington to decide what a struggling young woman with a cowardly, deserting boyfriend can do with her body is tragic.

I am against capital punishment. I believe the state should be above the emotional whims of the people in weighing its citizens on the gravest of scales.

In short, I am pro-killing the innocent and against killing the guilty.

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The Interviewing Theories

The “Neither Of You Wants To Be There” Theory: The interviewer doesn’t want to be there, either. To start, talk about the NFL playoffs (if it’s a male), or the Oscars nominees/family pictures on the bookcase (if it’s a woman).

The longer the small talk goes on, the better the interview. You are passing the “Can I sit next to this guy on a 6 hour flight?” test.

The “Just Be Yourself” Theory: “Just be yourself” is the most hackneyed and unhelpful interview tip you can hear. “Just like yourself” is much more helpful.

The “What’s Your Greatest Weakness” Theory: 87.9% of all answers are some veiled version of “I care too much”.

The “Best End Of Interview Question” Theory: “What was the best advice you heard when you started here?”

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The “Dogs Over Cats” Theory: A dog greets you with the same unbridled joy and enthusiasm after a three-hour trip to the movies as it would following a three-month tour.

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The “Fighting Hypotheticals Are Always Underrated” Theory:

-Could a highly-trained ninja slay an enraged (but stubby armed) tyrannosaurus rex?

-Could you—with 3 months of training—fend off an enraged Serena Williams?


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