The Best Theories On Everything: Volume V

Theories Five

Please see The Best Theories On Everything Volume I-IV here.

The “Don’t Care So Much” Theory: Stop caring about other people’s perceptions so they’ll like you more. Start not caring about other people’s perceptions, and they’ll like you even more. You’ll even like you more.

In the words of Robert Frost, “Freedom is moving easy in the harness.”

Or, in the words of every 21st century rapper, “Haters gonna hate.”

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The “Regret” Theory: (Most) people regret not what they did, but what they did not. As the saying goes: if you don’t go, you’ll never know.

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The “Smart Phone Irony” Theory:

Theories Smart Phone

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The “Don’t Sleep So Much” Theory: When Bill Clinton was a student at Georgetown, his professor lectured that great people conditioned themselves to sleep 4-5 hours a night. The simple reason being: you get more done. Bill Clinton applied the theory in his dorm room that night and remembered it well during his famous all-night pizza-fueled meetings at the White House.

When asked about his success, Arnold Schwarzenegger mused, “Someone out there at the same time is working hard, someone is getting smarter, remember that! I’ve always figured out that there are 24 hours a day, you sleep 6 hours. That means you have 18 hours left. I know that some of you out there answer: ‘Wait a minute I sleep 8 or 9 hours’. Well, then sleep faster I recommend.”

Warning: The Bill Clinton & Arnold Schwarzenegger Sleep Schedule is not to be confused with the Bill Clinton & Arnold Schwarzenegger Sleeping Around Schedule.

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The “Don’t Have A Bad Day” Theory: As told by my 5th grade English teacher Mr. Walker, “Don’t think of bad days as bad days. Think of them only as material you’ll laugh about someday.”

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The “Why I Could Never Be A Sports Writer” Theory: February

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The “Manti Te’o Is Getting A Bad Rap” Theory:

Theories Manti T'eo

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The “Church Is A Bigger Santa Claus” Theory: Our parents introduced us to Santa Claus as an all-knowing babysitter of sorts. Until we realize Santa Claus is simply a story made up by our elders, we will behave.

The church introduced us to God, as an all-knowing babysitter of sorts. Until we pass away… (and no one can realize God is simply a story made up by our elders so we will behave.)

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The “Pope Benedict XVI Resignation” Theory:

Theories Pope Resignation

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The “Table Seating” Theory: A young Brian Williams was on a class trip to Rome, where his class had the honor of dining with the pope for dinner. A young Brian Williams realized the pope would sit at the head of the table and thus chose his seat accordingly.

It’s all about the table seating, a middle-aged Brian Williams remembered. The team bonding lunches. The network schmooze fest. Sit as close to the boss as you can and start talking. An older Brian Williams now sits behind the desk of two NBC shows.

The “Cauliflower” Theory: As told By Mark Twain, “Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”

The “Stop Ordering The Same Thing” Theory: I love the chicken parmesan. You love the chicken parmesan. But if in a new locale, order their local dish.

You may not enjoy the crawfish or sea urchin as much as the chicken parmesan. But you’ll know for the rest of your life what crawfish or sea urchins tastes like.

The chicken parmesan will always be there.


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