Turkey, NFL, and family drama. It’s the most American of holidays. We brave invasive TSA pat-downs to brave invasive familial interrogations. Families pose a little too forced in maybe a little too bright sweaters for the holiday picture. Siblings smile knowingly at each other in between sips as the odd uncle starts to ramble.
Mothers and daughters watch SpongeBob Squarepants float by in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Fathers and sons chuckle at the Detroit Lions’ secondary and John Madden turducken references. And we all take a long, wistful look at the “Wizard of Oz” during commercials.
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In July, they came for the candy.
The Fun Size Snickers bars. The mini peanut M&M packets. Those seductive, single-serving afternoon pick-me-ups in glass jars on every secretary’s desk. The bane of employee waist-lines everywhere and now, evidently, corporate’s bottom line as well.
In August, they came for the free checking.
The Fed was cracking down. The nettlesome Dodd-Frank regulations yet another nuisance. Banks couldn’t charge retailers 44 cents every time you swiped a debit card anymore. They had to make do with 21 cents.
And it’s not as though the bank could drill for more oil or code a sparkling new app. So the bank took it out on customers. Down came the glossy “free checking” posters. Up went the monthly service charges. The nickel and dime defense of a $100 billion dollar bank under siege. Across the street, Bank of America raked in $6.2 billion last quarter, but it would still like your $5 for the right—the privilege—to access your own money.
In September, they came for the Wall Street Journal.
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They wanted the Mayor to sleep over.
For one night. In the park. Sleeping bag and all. They wanted the park renamed after Troy Davis, a Georgia man put to death in September. And finally, Occupy Atlanta wanted a promise no one would be arrested.
No chance on the name change, Mayor Kasim Reed replied. Or the no arrest guarantee. But the Mayor would pray on the sleep-over decision.
The protesters chalked it up as a victory anyway. Yes, Bank of America still raked in too much money. And sure, many of them still did not have jobs. But, at the very least, they were relevant.
They had done it. That scruffy gaggle of un- and under- employed but, thanks to sympathetic local delis, over-fed youths had seized the media spotlight. They would be on the evening news after the game. The Mayor’s PR team spent an entire afternoon crafting the pros and cons of a camp slumber party because of them.
Occupy Wall Street marks an inflection point long overdue. The crystallization of a shattered ideal for millions of Millennials. They are a generation coming to grips that America’s best days may truly lie behind it. An America where politicians serve to get elected, not to govern. A generation that will not be more successful than their parents but will move back in with them.
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3. The Ex-Con Ninja With A Home Shopping Network Knife
The sixth time he tried to capture Osama Bin Laden lasted all of three seconds. Gary’s hang-glider nose-dived and dragged him across jagged rocks. He broke his shoulder and several ribs. Gary tried it again the following year (Attempt #7) a little closer to the water this time. He tore up his shins skidding across the beach and just ditched the glider right there.
To be fair, Gary Faulkner is making progress. The first time he tried to find Osama he bought a boat—even though he had never sailed before—and set out from San Diego harbor without a lifejacket, flares, or food. His plan was to just head West until he hit land and eventually Pakistan. A hurricane had other plans, however, and lashed Faulkner’s boat against the Baja peninsula within days.
Gary Faulkner is our Don Quixote. He’s a 50-year old ex-con with failing kidneys who is probably certifiably insane. Faulkner knows bin Laden has a similar kidney ailment, so he plans to hook himself into Osama’s dialysis machine upon discovery and then escort the villain to Pakistan security forces.
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Loser of the Summer, Runner Up: The Man Diving For Osama Bin Laden’s Body
He knows the corpse must be down there somewhere. The water-logged, bullet-riddled corpse of the world’s most wanted man surely lies anchored somewhere to the Indian Ocean seafloor.
It’s why diver Bill Warren will spend up to $1 million combing the depths for Osama Bin Laden. “There is still a $25 million reward that no one has collected, and the reward says dead or alive,” Warren reasoned. “Well, if—in fact—he is dead, then I could collect the $25 million reward. Why not?”
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“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing after they’ve tried everything else,” quipped Winston Churchill, who did not live long enough to witness the rise of the Tea Party.
Congress got ’er done eventually. The debt ceiling was raised. The U.S. did not default. But the damage was done. Faith in Washington spent. The S&P downgraded the lone superpower’s sterling credit rating from AAA to AA+ for the first time. Our sense of humor along with it:
- “Yo momma so poor she raised her debt ceiling and the S&P STILL downgraded her.”
- “Caught a just downgraded AA+ 11-inch Maine bass. Gotta cross to Canada across lake for AAA fish.” Economist Nouriel “Dr. Doom” Roubini’s tweet from a Maine fishing trip.
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The White House press secretary was all set to TP the White House. He vowed to do it if Auburn won the BCS Championship. Robert Gibbs had a deal all worked out with the Secret Service where they would leave a couple rolls in an undisclosed location, and he would unfurl them over the White House roof or maybe a tree out front.
It was all good in the house of Obama Phi. They balled hard in guys only basketball games. Everyone was a “dude” or a “bro”. They did fist-pumps, not handshakes. Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel dropped f-bombs left and right, and Robert Gibbs never met a sports analogy he didn’t like during White House press meetings. Even the staff elder Lawrence Summers would doze off during economy briefings and generally do whatever he pleased. White House interns learned to be careful rounding West Wing corners lest they find Barack and Michelle canoodling.
And they were changing the world while doing it. Obama’s first two years were two of the most prolific in modern presidential history: the Stimulus Package, improved global image, credit card consumer rights, tobacco regulation, healthcare reform, Wall Street regulation, ending the Iraq War, etc.
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We always forget something about the “Jersey Shore”.
Ronnie, J-Wow, Pauly-D — they had to apply for the show. This means MTV had to turn down legions of over-tanned, under-read guidos and guidettes. Surely, there was some girl too Snooki for even Snooki. A bro more vain than even The Situation. The real question, then, is: what are they doing right now? Do they watch Snooki’s censored flips in the club, or Ronnie obliterating another loudmouth on the Boardwalk and shrug: that’s it? What are they planning for this upcoming Friday night?
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