A Very Special Fatwah Friday

Today is Friday and that means another edition of Fatwah Friday. Today is a special Fatwah Friday, however, as we are going to get all self-referential and recursive, and drop this major religious edict on y’all: Death to the pop song Friday by the infidel Rebecca Black! Her syrupy hooks and borderline retarded lyrics are a blight upon the humble, God-fearing, meme-worshiping netizens of the World Wide Interweb! Her 15 million views are a sign from Allah that the end times are surely upon us! Her iTunes prowess is sickening and sin before the Enchanted Wizards of the Internet! If you haven’t seen this yet, prepare to feel the fires of righteous fury:

A Jihad On Gawker

Recently, we were on Gawker for the Economist article on Legalizing Drugs. However, in pointing to PBH, they referred to it as “this odd site”.

THIS ODD SITE?!? THIS ODD SITE?! How dare you SIR!!! HOW DARE YOU!!! THIS IS A SITE THAT PRIDES ITSELF ON INTEGRITY, VIRUS ADS, AND MEAN-SPIRITED TIRADES! I will hurl a set of invectives your way so fearsome that you will cower behind your MacBook Pro for eternity! First off, you get paid a miserly wage because you are some meddlesome blogger not even worthy of the title, MEDDLESOME BLOGGER! Second off, you are worse than the love child of Pol Pot and Orson Scott Card. Third off, have you NO SHAME? Both Princess Diana and French Revolutionary hero Denton have proclaimed their love for this “ODD SITE” through the grave. Are you one to challenge their opinion?

Alright, where was I? Oh yah — Finally, stay out of my booze!

Jihad on Christians!

Jihad on Christians! You are all bumbling malcontents that should find other outlets for your lack of education and discontent with modern capitalist excess! Blaming homosexuals for your problems is no way to go through life! Take some responsibility in life and realize that you are a product of economic misfortune and ignorance!

Jihad on your backwards beliefs! Jihad on believing in some 2000 year old Jew zombie who suffered from mental delusion! Jihad on believing in ancient fairy tales because you are too weak and stupid to grapple with reality!

[Inspiration: 70,000 Christians To Gather In San Diego To Pray Away Gay Rights and Christian Fanatics Pray Before Bull On Wall Street For Better Economic Times]

Jihad On Kickball

I declare a Fatwah against all those who play Kickball! All repressive suburban attitudes encapsulated by yuppie intrusion into urban environs is captured by this befouled game! Overprivileged white people playing a child’s game is not ironic, it is embarrassing!

Join the movement as we exact revenge on these colonial zionists and their bourgeoise sport! Jihad on yuppies! Jihad on kickball! Jihad jihad jihad!!!!!!

“I once saw a fat girl in a WAKA shirt sitting on the curb in front of Adams Mill crying. I pointed and laughed. I want to make them all cry.”

Jihad on Stupid Spoiled American Whores

Tour Sex and the City Hotspots

Follow in the fancy footsteps of Carrie & Co. as they conquer New York City! Drink where they drink, shop where they shop, and gossip where they gossip.Over 40 locations on the tour, including:

* Sit on Carrie’s apartment stoop
* Shop at The Pleasure Chest where Charlotte bought her ‘Rabbit’
* Have a cupcake at the bakery where Miranda stuffed cupcakes into her mouth
* Stop at a bar used on Sex and the City
* Visit the church where Samantha meets “The Friar”
* Go on location to the gallery in SoHo where Charlotte worked
* See the furniture store where Aidan designs his tables and chairs
* Get the behind-the-scenes scoop on the show