$10 Golden Parachute bonus to whoever did this for humanity:

While former Lehman CEO Richard Fuld was testifying before the House Oversight Committee Oct. 6, CNBC reported he had been punched in the face at the Lehman Brothers gym after it was announced the firm was going bankrupt. CNBC and Vanity Fair contributor Vicki Ward said Fuld was attacked at the gym on a Sunday following the bankruptcy.

Sarah Palin has caused the new President of Pakistan to have a Fatwa issued against him after their meeting in New York City was described as ‘flirtatious’ [source]:

Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari seems to be heading towards fresh trouble as the prayer leader of the Lal Masjid in the heart of Islamabad has issued a fatwa against him. Maulana Abdul Ghafar, the prayer leader, seems to be irked by Zardari’s “you’re gorgeous” compliment to US vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin during a meeting.

Longtime Scientologist Nancy Cartwright — best known as the voice of Bart Simpson — last year gave the church $10 million to help spread the word of founder L. Ron Hubbard across the globe. It was all part of Scientology’s Global Salvage effort, which aims to “de-aberrate” Earth — meaning to rid mankind of psychological ills and other “aberrant” behavior. Surprisingly, Nancy, 50, forked over twice as much as the Scientology’s most prominent member, Tom Cruise, who only gave $5 million in an installment plan.

Here are some of the celebrity gifts to Scientology from 2007 and their corresponding awards:

Following the murder of Alexander Litvinenko, the UK government asked for formal extradition of Andrei Lugovoi, a former KGB agent who had met with Litvinenko the day he fell ill. The UK’s director of public prosecutions Ken Macdonald said Lugovoi should be extradited to stand trial for the murder of Litvinenko by “deliberate poisoning” after Polonium-210 was found in numerous places visited by Lugovoi that day. Russia denied the extradition request and negligible progress has been made on the case.

Honestly? I’m not sure what to make of this one….Read for yourself.

Aw snaps, news to make you blue is back. And there’s no better way to start the gravy train of depressing news going again then with an image of a train going into someone’s caboose (ha! triple entendre):

Details magazine asks the important question: Is it Ok to Demand Anal Sex? Of course not! And even more importantly, when you can bust out the question (some say the first date!) of backdoor penetration. I don’t know what guy on this planet demands anal sex at the end of the first date, let alone normal vaginal pounding. Usually my relaxed nature tells me “just pull it out and start jerking it when you drop her off”, but then I think more prudently and hold off on that magic for the second date.

This tells me: sassy but classy.

This may be the most important news item of the century: Ducks are developing gigantic penises. Yes, gigantic penises. And nothing sums up the mission of this groundbreaking investigation better than how the researcher stumbled upon this field:

Dr. Brennan was oblivious to bird phalluses until 1999. While working in a Costa Rican forest, she observed a pair of birds called tinamous mating. “They became unattached, and I saw this huge thing hanging off of him,” she said. “I could not believe it. It became one of those questions I wrote down: why do these males have this huge phallus?”

You want to know what irony is? Irony is leading your country to the brink of complete financial and economic collapse, and then asking asking for donations for your birthday party. This is what Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, is doing. With inflation at a record high of 1,593% and agricultural production down 40%, Mugabe is asking the citizens to contribute $1.2 million for his 83rd BIRTHDAY PARTY. Yes, in a country where GDP is decreasing at 4.4 % per year, unemployment is at 80%, the average income is $2000, and public debt is 108.4% of GDP (as in they are indebted more than they earn as a nation), the President — who turned a prosperous country into the one we see now — wants to reward himself with a FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY. Mission Accomplished, toys!

There is one thing you always want to read when you catch up on sports: “Minnesota high schools grappling with herpes”. Apparently, all of those after-practice shenanigans (read: GAY ORAL SEX WRESTLING HIGH SCHOOL PARTIES!!!) are getting out of control. And the definitive question is asked:

“I think it’s a bold step,” he said. “How else are you going to get this thing cleared up? How do I explain to a mom that her kid has herpes forever?”

…Anderson said the greatest concern is an infection of the eye, which can, in rare cases, lead to scarring or blindness.

It’s like it’s the 1970’s all over again, with our favorite war criminal Henry Kissinger being asked his advice by George Bush. No, this is not a joke, and yes, we may be fighting in Vietnam (thus Kissinger’s expertise). Christopher Hitchens asks a very relevant and poignant question: Will we never be free of the malign effect of this little gargoyle? (Watch out Chris, you may be next).

Oh boy, my career is down the tubes and I don’t know what to do. Wait, I’ll love Jesus! Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ‘I’m the first Jesus Psycho’:

Now Baldwin has released a memoir, “The Unusual Suspect,” a reference to the one critically acclaimed film for which he’s known. The book, the “Gospel according to Stevie B.,” is part testimonial and part evangelical manifesto, a cocktail of anti-intellectualism and a biblical interpretation that would have Jesus spinning in his grave, had he stayed there. Baldwin preaches that free will is a lie of Satan — we must shut off our brains, he says, and be led by what God tells our hearts. Furthermore, he writes, efforts to end global poverty and violence are just the sort of “stupid arrogance” that incur God’s wrath, which we’ll be feeling any day now in the coming apocalypse. I suppose when the star of “Bio-Dome” is advising the president and converting kids by the thousands to his gnarly brand of faith, the end is, indeed, nigh.